Thank you Zues. I am thinking about what you are saying. I actually have a lot of empathy for my H, more than is probably healthy for me. I am not in an "abusive" situation now - and I hate to use that word because I don't think H is an abuser, but for 4 months he did abuse me while he was spewing and drinking heavily. I "let" him abuse me and I "let" this happen in a home with my children, because I felt so bad for him. Sometimes now I think about the men who "snap" and kill their families. I never felt physically threatened by my H (well except for a few times when he blocked my exit and screamed in my face but I never thought he'd hit me and he never did) , but he was completely off the wall crazy for months and I stayed in his path, and let my children be in his path. There were nights he was so drunk that he was literally falling down, screaming FU at me and saying all sorts of terrible things that he has absolutely no recollection of.
I think my H is a good man who broke down. I think he is slowly healing, and I think he is pretty close now to where he was when he broke down. So after an entire year of therapy, he is now back to square one. Its up to him if he continues healing or if he stalls out at this point. Which means I don't want to be near him when things get rough again- and with 3 kids, things will get rough again. There are going to be bumps in the road.
I have been perceiving this entire ordeal as "I am modeling compassion, love and patience and commitment" for my children. And I still do perceive it that way. But at what cost? I am hoping the 6 month break will bring clarity to the situation. I am hoping he will use that time to heal and I will use that time to move forward in my own life in a way that is beneficial to my children and myself.
