New or false hope?

[Zues126]

He feels humiliated and feels like I was treating him like a dead beat dad by bringing him to family court. he is not a dead beat dad but he was not contributing fairly and I felt I had no other recourse. I could have written him a letter and asserted myself better from the beginning. but instead I built up resentment. I was also convinced things were over and he did not want to work on reconciliation at that time.

How could going to court not bring out anger and harsh. I should have been prepared. I was doing ok until he fought over a few hundred dollars and then I just could not keep from commenting

Julie,

I get how hard this is. I don't have answers but wanted to keep posting anyway to let you know I'm following.

It's easier to look at from the outside. When WAH says 'how dare you file cs' he's saying how he feels. He feels you are attacking his character and suggesting that he's not a responsible man. If he worked and supported the family for years it could make him feel that all was dismissed and taken for granted. I know that men in general find court involvement more violating than anything in the world, the same way people feel violated when someone breaks into their house and steals from them (you might want to read some articles on how men feel about child support).

The conflict is that while you may have been very RIGHT to file, and protect your family...that doesn't change how it feels to him. Meanwhile you're feeling he's attacking what you've done and painting you to be some controlling or vindictive or manipulative or greedy or hurtful person, so you are trying to debate him into seeing why you did what you did. So you're going in circles.

My question is- is it possible for you to validate how he feels, without defending your actions, or without going along with the idea that your actions were wrong? Look at the following statements:

H, I am really sorry that the situation has come to this.
I can see that being lumped in to a group of men that don't have a tenth the character you do could feel I don't understand the quality you have as a dad.
I understand you find court involvement very distasteful, and that it feels violating to dictate how you parent your children
I can see that my actions could make it seem I am unappreciative of the ways you provided for our family without fail, year after year, through a tough economy, while many others around us weren't so fortunate

Do any of these statements say that you were wrong to file cs, or that you wouldn't do it again? Not at all! You are just letting his feelings, which are true because they are real, be heard. You are also indirectly complimenting him, giving him validation, praise, admiration...everything a man NEEDS. Shoot, I feel like he's telling you what he needs almost directly, just give it to him!!!

I know you have your feelings too...but I think they say 'seek first to understand, not to be understood'. Another from sales is 'they don't care what you know until they know that you care'. Or Mark Twain 'a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still'.

Bottom line, you can post on here to feel heard, but you do need to step up your validating game and practice this. Eliminate the expectations of being understood. The irony is that if you do this, consistently, for a few interactions or a few months, before you even get around to the part where he wants to know how you're feeling, he'll have a general outlook towards you that you are reasonable, caring, and safe to be around. Then instead of having to convince him or win him over with a debate, he'll actually just have warm feelings towards you instead.

I know it ain't easy, but this is a very crucial point. I don't want you to be D in 6 months with him telling his friends how he tried but you were impossible. Don't let that happen. No expectations, he controls him, but you can do this Julie. Vent away on here, shoot, you know I do Then validate!