Pho's thread continues......

[Zues126]

I have been so depressed lately. I thought it was more of the "I am so rejected/heartbroken" depression, the kind all of us DB'ers know all too well and has become my constant struggle in these last 10 months. But I recently realized that its different now. I am depressed FOR him. That this man is so broken. That he seems very likely to stay stuck and that is making me sad. Yes I still feel rejected and heartbroken, those feelings are still in the mix, but little by little I am starting to just feel bad for him.

I think my next step will be determining what is in the best interests of the children. Their father is "broken". He is their father no matter what, even if I file for D and get remarried ASAP to the most wonderful man in the world, H is still their father, and will always be. So how do I make sure that they are stronger than he is, that they do not pick up his depressive and angry thought patterns? That they do not go through life feeling as though they are a victim and need to blame someone- their parents, their spouse, their child, for all of their problems? On one hand I want to model great patience, love and commitment. But on the other hand, what is really the best environment for them to grow up in? I am really thinking this upcoming "break" will give me clarity.

Hey Pho. I haven't had much to say but wanted to let you know I'm following too.

Lately I'm not sure if I'm feeling pessimistic, or if I'm just accepting reality and that it doesn't match the idealistic way I've always felt the world ought to be.

Idealistic says that there is a way people should be, and since H is depressed and angry that he is broken right now. Realistic/pessimistic says that he is just a regular guy dealing with a ton of pain and confusion at the loss of his relationship. Idealistic says he should be able to handle this better by going on forums and getting counseling, realistic/pessimistic says that this is how people in this world operate. Remember, you stepped up your game motivated by the fear of the loss of your M, he doesn't have that fear and may not be as motivated to be at his best right now.

Idealistic says that if you DB well you'll either recover your M or improve yourself and your ability to be a better partner and find a better partner and you'll have the M you want. Realistic/pessimistic says that WAH is actually a good guy, and that this is just how guys act and relationships work when things get hard, and that the vast majority these days fail.

This has been hard for me to stay balanced on. Part of the reason I was so depressed for so long was that the world fell so short of my ideals...but I've learned that positive ideals that generate nothing but negativity aren't really a good thing. And that accepting a less sugary reality can be a positive if it allows us to be appreciative of the good that does exist, even in a world that is imperfect. Of course I am dealing with pain as well and can easily let the scales swing to pessimism. For me the key is to not be conclusive about anything, to just realize I'm going through a lot, my vision is fogged just as much as a WAS's, and that I need to hold my grip on how I view the world lightly. Open minded. Less judgmental (ok, I've struggled with this one).

XW (first time I've used that, I think my D was final yesterday!) is drinking heavily, smoking cigarettes and pot, having guys spend the night while my kids wonder who's in the house with them, and frankly has shown them that when the going gets rough just tear apart a family and selfishly do what makes you happy. Horrible examples. After reading this board for 18 months I think less harshly of her, and I just realize this is how the world works. We can't change the world, we can just change our part of the world. We get to show the children that's not how OUR part of the world works. And that we get a choice on our role. And that choice is important.

WAH will be ok, he'll suffer and find his way through the way all people do. Focus on making your road an inspiration to your children and all of us. Thanks Pho.