I posted this on a friends thread and realized an issue that's kept me limping down the path of DB. I copy and pasted it here.
You asked "How do you feel most days? Are you depressed? Are you content? Somewhere in between? I worry that you are very hard on yourself, and living in this situation for another 2 years is really going to wear on you. I am not encouraging you to give up, just trying to get a feel for your general well being."
I am slightly down each day. Quite honesty I am to hard on myself. I can't forgive myself. It's a heavy weight on my heart. I carry it around with me all the time and nobody knows its there. The weight pushes out everything else so there is an emptiness to me. I did this. I destroyed my marriage by not being good enough. That's what I feel like everyday.
I must do this for the next 2 years. This is what my son needs, today he was begging his mother not to work so much. My son is much closer to my wife then he is to me. I don't think I will ever have as close a relationship with him as he with his mother. That's okay, I am happy to support him and help him when I can. It doesn't have to be about me.
I goal with thread understand why I cannot forgive myself.
