RD you will be pleased to hear that I have had at least three STFU moments today
I have to think about looking for a house or a flat I have so much crap at home just the thought of me having to de clutter makes me not to want to start doing this
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
AtPeace, have you ever heard of the flylady? She has a website and several years ago my H was developing a clutter problem. (OK, I was too, but he really took it to a new level.) I used the flylady's tips on decluttering and it really helped. She has this thing called the 27 thing fling. Grab a garbage bag, right now, and whatever room you are in, throw away 27 things. It can be magazines, old socks, expired meds, old toiletries, whatever. Every day do this. Some days grab a bag for the donation pile instead of the garbage. But every day get rid of 27 things. The first day you might only get through 1 or 2 drawers or half a closet. After a week you might work your way through an entire room to come up with your 27 things. After a month or two you are going to be really searching through your entire house to come up with 27 things. It works. We are pretty much on top of our clutter problem now, but maybe 1-2x per month I still do a 27 thing fling, just for maintenance. 27 is a good number because it makes you stretch a little bit, but its usually do-able. I found this method to be very satisfying, maybe it will work for you.
Ok so I am seeing things a little calmer I am not spinning so much and I can even see how over the past six months I have been running scared I have been frantic
Ok so persuing is not good and I have been doing this through my fear of being alone and I see all I am doing is pushing her further away so this has now stopped.
It may already be too late I do not know all I know is I have to start changing my thinking process if I am to either make a difference to my M or Make a Difference to myself.
Beginners mindset .....humm...put myself in her mindset
Actions rather than words THIS ....might be a good starting place
I think back over the marriage and there have been many times where we have argued over a relatively small things these are things that she is now making into a bigger issues and for her they are bigger issues.
I read on someone else's post and I will add to it here I do not see how divorce selling the house choosing to see th children 1/2 the time ....becoming single parents to 4 children swapping the kids over twice a week or three times a week for the next 16 years with me staying in contact with my wife and her staying in contact with me through our children. Can possibly be better than staying in trying to work things out
She knows that we both love our children unless she has an alternative master plan then there is going to be a lots of swapping over of children
I sometimes say to her I just want to make things better and she immediately says will better for you is asked getting back together and having sex no it's not but I don't know how I can let her know that's not what I mean getting back together could be any number of things it could be spending one night with each other going to the cinema once every couple weeks enjoying each other's company it might be going to the theatre it might be going out for a drink going for a meal once every week or every couple of weeks and just try andget along and see if our friendship grows.....but I can say this to her without it seeming pursuing
So I need to back off and give her space
We have been separated for about six months but we're married 17 years together 25 years and although we have been separated for the past six months we have probably spent as much time together if not more doing things for the children and doing things together
Ok so something that she felt very strong about was that she felt I was being controlling and that she would not go out with her friends or even add males on Facebook through fear of it upsetting me do you think I should just turn round to her and say look I do not mind if you add people on Facebook I to you like I do not mind if you go out for a meal or a drink with someone else the bottom line is she is not with me and even if she was with me and if we ever did get back together this is something that would very much after change to allow her to do these things and to live her life the way she wants to live it.
The marriage we had we could never ever go back to I just do not see why with all my changes that I'm doing why we cannot get to the stage where we have a very different marriage but she is not right now prepared to give it a chance
So all I can do is keep working on me andbecoming a better person and who knows what that might bring
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
