I get what you are saying. I guess I did not see it that way. I did have plans to meet with a female friend that night. She is having some issues with her mom and we just met to talk for awhile.
I was not planing to give the idiot any attention. I am actually avoiding him at any cost.
When he said he wanted to do the walk to gather all what he wants from the house, I genuinely tough he was going to take his stuff out that same day. Well, stupid me.
I know better that I should just say good bye when XWH start talking about us, our M, our lives. This is nonsense and it does no good for me.
I did not try any reaction from him, in my mind I decided that it was important to just get this done because it is painful but inevitable, so better sooner then later. I actually prepared myself to see him taking the last of his stuff from the house that day.
I guess I do not understand the whole DBing thing. I should believe that we are done for good, that I need to disappear and deal with my life.
The truth is that I would like to move away from here, built a life somewhere else, never see or hear about him. It would be a million times better. S15 asked to finish his high school here, I have the kids with this idiot and the permanent contact.
So what to do? You say I love this guy, when the truth is that I don't even know if it is love or just a big hurt. I literally don't know what I want anymore.
Sometimes I want him to come back, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I miss him, and other times I feel better that he is gone. I don't trust him anymore, I hate what he did to me.
I am not totally lost, I know what I want in life and it is not even much. I am not lost because I like myself, I know I am a good person, with good values and morals. I respect myself, my kids, my family and friends. I make many mistakes in life, but I am also a very responsible person.
But in regards of this guy, yes I am totally lost. I just don't know what I want in this regard.
I guess right now I just want him gone. I don't want to know about him, I don't want to see him or talk to him, I don't want him around. I want him far away from me.
And yes I am his plan B. I am just an stupid girl that he used for a long time. I raised the kids, was responsible for the household in every single aspect, I cleaned houses to make the extra money for our family during the time he was taking his master's degree, and then he left me, just like that, some trash you just throw in a garbage can.
I should be ashamed for even talk about this. That this idiot will have some decency to give any value to what was his family one day. He just despise me and I am still thinking that there is any chance.
I keep saying it is time to let go but I am still holding that rope in a hope that it can change.
It will never change. Like you said, he slept with OW, cheated on me I don't know for how long, lied and lies to me, humiliated me, even divorced me already. He is done for a long, long time and I am still dreaming that tomorrow things will be different.
Nothing will ever change, all what have changed is that now I can regret what I did, I can regret the day I met him, regret that I married a man that did not respect his family, did not fight for our M and our love.
I have been trying my best do not hate him because it is not the best scenario for my kids, but sometimes I just want to send everything to hell and just ask him to go and never show up at my door again.
I am so tired of myself, of my crying, my pain, my life the way it is now. I know I need to make a decision about all this stupid things. I just did not want to let go, but it is getting to that point that it is not what I want anymore. It is about reality and the real thing is that I am no one for him.
I need to do something about this. I can't hold on some hope that do no exist anymore. I don't want to end up very bitter or lose years of my life in some fantasy that I created in my head thinking that there is any possibility he would consider that his family is more important.
I am thinking to ask him to go once for all and never come back. He can pick up his kids and do not even knock the door. Just go, whatever he goes, but just be gone. Maybe this is the only way to get my life back.
I have good days and today was not one of them. I am very down because I see no more hope, no more nothing. I guess this board is good because we learn how to be better, but because I am here, I kept some fantasy hope.
There is a project I am working with my kids, mainly S21 and it is keeping me very busy, something I want to do. I also reported that I am accepting more invitations to go out with friends. I am trying, forcing myself to do it all. But I feel empty many times, I feel sad when I go out.
I guess it is something I did not want for myself, I am a family girl and like the family life.
I guess I need to get my bad side out and let my italian side to deal with this. Maybe if I put my hate before anything else, I will be so disgusted that he will be gone.
I just don't really know what direction to take anymore. I am living my life, I never go after him, never initiate a call or text, never ask for anything, I am not around anymore. I am totally out of his life. Maybe the only thing that is missing is for me to tell him to go forever.
