spoke to OW..the 1 he said he has no contact with

[cola]

Sorry

[JGuy]

Hi Rain, I just read up on your thread and I just want to say how much I feel for what you are going through. I am also dealing with a pretty fresh BD about my W's PA that she hid for 2 years and finally decided to tell me about 3.5 weeks ago. I can relate to the feelings of betrayal, abandonment and excruciating pain that you describe.

It was helpful for me to read your thread. You express your feelings better than I can... I think it helped me understand a bit better what's going on inside of me. So thanks for sharing.

I'm new to this so I really can't offer any solid advice but I do want to reach out and say that you are not alone and I totally feel for you!

[Pink17]

Hi Rain,

Just checking how you are doing girl. It is not an easy time in your life, so please, take it day by day.

Hugs,
Pink

[Rain75]

Thank you for checking on me. It has been a rough couple of days.

[Rain75]

Hello JGuy...I also read your thread. I'm so sorry we find ourselves in the same boat. I'm such a wreck right now but I'm glad if anything I wrote helped you.

[Rain75]

So it has been a tough couple of days. I don't know what to do. Im hoping you guys can help me formulate a plan.

I haven't called a L. Not sure why since I know that I have to. I need a will like Pink said for sure and I do have a lot of questions i need answered.

I did go to the child support office. I signed the initial paperwork. I was told it is a long process but at least it's begun.

As for him. Well I have been only contacting him about the kids. I do not initiate any contact but I respond to his.

I went off the deep end a few times when he again called ow a liar. Also when he said our issue isn't what he is doing but that i can't stop...never did stop talking about ow.

He doesn't see or refuses to admit that i did that because my gut and others told me it was still going on.

He text me on my b-day to say he wanted to take me out to dinner. I agreed but only if the kids came too. I didn't want a date.

We went. It was nice. But not the same. He asked if he could come by to help put the kids to bed. Again i agreed. They were veey happy to see him.

We were in separate cars. When he showed up he was bearing gifts. He knocked and i opened to find him with a cake and wine and flowers. I thanked him.

Anyway About half hour later we put the kids to bed and I told him it was late and it was best he get going. He was not happy.

He text me and told me he hoped I'd enjoyed myself. I said i did. Thanked him again and wished him a good night.

He replied with.....if you wanted Me to have a good night I would be laying next to you right now.

I semi lost it. And I hate that.

I told him he denied our family and relationship so he gave up the right to lay next to Me and definitely threw away the right to sex.

I told him that though dinner and the gifts were thoughtful they are not enough to fix this.

That i can barely look at him because all i see now are the things he said to her. The way he denied us. The love songs he sent her etc

He told me he is sick and tired about hearing about her and refuses to talk about her. That had he really wanted to be with her he could have with one phone call. (she confirmed she would have walked away from her marriage had he asked when this blew open and she and I spoke)

Also he told me to remember that you catch more flies with honey then vinegar...He then bid me good night.

So here is where am I stuck. I believe what we had is dead. It died the day I found out this last time.

He seems to be trying to do the least amount of superficial work possible to keep me.

When i was doing all the wrong things...last year i had given him a book on helping your partner feel safe again after your affair. He has yet to read it.

He has yet to cut contact with ow. She is currently ignoring him though.

I have so many "why" questions that he refuses to answer.

I feel that if I don't stand my ground he will continue to do this with me and the ow for as long as he can. He truly seems obsessed with her.

Though perhaps he is obsessive by nature when he can't have someone.

He got it into his head that I had a date last night. I didn't even argue. I didn't have a date and he wasn't going to try to turn the tables when he is the one pursuing someone else.

So last night during the time when he assumed i would be on said fictional date he did something he has not done in years.

He sent me a song.

A love song.

And told Me That he hopes i enjoy my evening.

It may be genuine. It also may have been an attempt by him to sabatoge my "date".

Now that I know how well he lies and how he was and is a cake eater it wouldn't surprise me.

What do you do when he seems scared of losing you but will not do what you need him to do?

I feel as if i am slowly going insane.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. I want to stand for my R and I don't want to keep making mistakes that will hinder this. Was it okay to even go out with him? Should i speak to him when he is begging me to call him (i blocked phone calls from him). What if he wants us to do something with the kids? Am I not to mention the ow especially if he initiates it by calling her a liar. When i know he is trying to get her to forgive him?

Yet I do not want him to think a few nice gestures will correct everything he has torn apart. I need your help. I am lost on what to do.

Thanks

[Painter]

If he is truly committed to restoring the R, you'll get more than one chance. Tell him you need him to step up as a friend and a father to your children before he can be anything else again.

I'm not so sure about the CS office thing if he is paying voluntarily at guideline or more. They are meant to be involved when you need help with enforcement, and most men hate them.

[Rain75]

Thanks for writing Painter. The CS thing. It was suggested here and after I looked into it, no, he is not near the states amount. This all just happened and up until This he covered everything but he is no longer obligated to and if were to simply give me enough for bills to be paid he would still be quite a few hundred below the state mandate.

He has me on and it seema he is also on, a roller coaster. He either completely ignores me and does not even inquire about the kids OR he is constantly in contact. Uses the kids to get me to respond and accuses me of ignoring him of not caring about him and of me possibly having found someone else

He has ignored the few times Ive asked about support and us putting it in writing. And so yes most men hate CS but he has done nothing to avoid it. So I went in.

[Zues126]

Rain, you're not going crazy.

Under no circumstances does he get to dictate the conditions upon which you accept him back into your life. For him to lay those conditions out that he does no work, gets to simply sweep all betrayals under the rug, and you must act as if none of it ever happened, THAT is insane. And it doesn't show commitment to a functional marriage. It shows someone that will probably leave again because they feel they deserve more and will only put up with everything you have to give if it doesn't take them any sacrifice or compromise or work at all.

PASS.

What you are not looking for is to define and control everything, to emotionally blackmail him into giving you everything exactly the way you want it in the M, and to dismiss all of his needs as punishment. You aren't looking for him to pay for all of his wrongdoings.

However...you have the right to ensure that he is actually interested in a committed relationship as opposed to some cake. You have the right to ensure that he A is over. You have the right to talk about it with the guidance of a counselor as if he isn't interested in knowing about your experience he isn't serious about not doing it again and in a partnership in which he helps the two of you reestablish trust. All in all, you have a right to be your own person and have a voice in how things proceed, and the same way he can't walk up to a random woman at the grocery store, ask her out, and dictate when she lets him spend the night, he darn sure can't do it with you.

Now...none of this is for him. Don't bother telling him this. He won't understand it. It can't come from you controlling him. It has to come from him or it won't matter. This is just so YOU don't go CRAZY!

Frankly I think WAH is going to be on a long journey and may not make it. It is especially hurtful because of the flowers and date night, but the unfortunate part is this isn't him working on the M, this is him cake-eating, this is him being an addict and trying to avoid consequences for his behavior. I hope I'm wrong and that he hits a bottom and realizes he has to make some big changes...but this hasn't happened and won't anytime real soon, if ever. I say this because my bigger hope is that you can step up and take care of yourself like you always hoped he would.

[Rain75]

zues126

I really pray that this isn't the end. I do want my family together but I know it's possible that it is.

And thank you for your insight. He really does want to rug sweep.

And he does seem to want to be the one that decides how we proceed. I can't let that happen. I need time. He does too.

My fuzziness comes in the form of not knowing how to handle it all. The book says to 180 and GAL to get them to want to be around you more. And to go dark when it seems as if they are ready to walk away.

What the heck is the game plan when you are in between the two extremes i guess is my question.

Thanks for telling me im not crazy because this man has gotten very good at making me think that I am.

I appreciate it ☺