[BrightFuture]

HaWho, I think I spoke too soon… I’ve been having some blues again… Thanks for the advice. I will try not to make the financial decisions with my heart. Well said! I know it could be difficult, but I will try.

Heather, no, I am not upset about what you said. Actually, I think you are right about me enabling him. However, I disagree with your statement that he is a “parasitic man”. I might have presented an incomplete story when I said that I was paying for two mortgages. I was, but H was not a lazy @ss. He was making pretty good money for a few years of our marriage, before the 2000 and the dotcom collapse. He was struggling for a few years after that. He was spending days on his computer and on the phone looking for work. He was very stressed about that.

At the same time, he was doing all kinds of house work, remodeling, upgrading, fixing...

Then, after a few years of not making much, he tried to become a sales agent, selling property in Mexico (this is where we have a vacation home.) He worked hard. He took the real estate exam, he learnt a lot about the business, about the vacation home place. He was making phone calls, doing the shows, mailing, etc. He did his best to become a good sale person. Then, the real estate went sour on this side of the border, which also affected everything across the border. He made a couple of sales, but at the end his expenses exceeded the number.

H always worked hard. It was just the circumstances that prevented him from making money. He was very stressed about that for years. I wonder if this was a major contribution to his MLC. Also, the realization that he was not the bread winner in the family… I think it takes toll on most men.

I think my sitch is different from others here, because I don’t need the D process to help me financially. I don’t have kids to support, I have my house, I make enough money to support myself (and H, if he would still be around, LOL.) I could definitely ask for my share of the condo. But… I don’t know if I can do that. I mean in my heart, not legally. I keep going back and forth between being gracious and giving H what he wants, and being angry and trying to take away half of the condo and business. Besides some hopes that I still had all this time, this indecision about condo was stopping me from initiating the D process.

I hope it makes sense.

[Sotto]

Hi Bright, if it helps at all, my approach in the D process has been to focus on a fair settlement. In our situation (living together/married for 8 years) that looks like total assets minus what he brought in (he gets) minus what I brought in (I get) and we divide the rest equally. How would that picture compare to what he has suggested?

I also had the internal struggle around potentially settling for less. He had suggested I receive much less. Part of my struggle was that what I get, my SS doesn't (in my mind.) However, I invested a great deal in our R and I've just taken the view that this is how things work and these have been his choices not mine. And I just go with the advice of my L.

I agree about the heart and head thing. This is a business process, the outcome of which impacts on your own living standard in years to come. So, I think wearing your business head is the best way to go.

Take care xx

[bttrfly]

Hi Bright
I think it's about intention. Personally I feel one opens oneself to a lot of regret if one acts from a place of anger. Acting from a place of compassion for ALL involved, holding the intention for the highest good for ALL involved helps to come to a more equitable decision for all involved. Does that make sense?

Try to strip out any negative emotions. Yes, bring compassion in, but still balance that compassion with the understanding that it's a business partnership you are dissolving here, not a relationship. Really hard to do. Good luck. You've come so far in your life, I know you have the strength to do this, even though you may not believe it or want to xoxoxo

[LoisB]

Bright, it wasn't just the mortgage... I used the word parasite, mainly, because of how this man seemed to act entitled to your help thru this... For years. I know you have chosen to help and that's really kind of you... As your friend, though, I'm angry and I'm wondering why you aren't MORE ANGRY?

You have been nothing but kind and helpful and given him space. I'm not saying be an angry B... But... Where's the anger?

in my case, I'm walking out of the tunnel. My own tunnel. I'm seeing sunlight finally since this started in Jan. 2012.

Feeling FREE :-)

And, one thing I see over and over on here... Few women embrace the anger.

ANGER is a stage in the grieving process. During the D proceedings, IMHO, it's the time to draw on that anger to motivate yourself to get a fair deal. Use It!

I don't regret a single instance of my anger. My soul was somewhat cleansed by it. Anger is, I think, the healthy way of declaring, "I'm valuable and didn't deserve this. I've been treated unfairly and deserve better."

I sometimes think this is symptom of being female. We stuff it. DONT. Any man treated so badly wouldn't feel an ounce of regret over his anger.

Fight for what's YOURS. Even Ghandi fought... So did MLK... They simply chose to fight for their territory in a way which worked at the time.

You gave the man his freaking Playboys for YEARS... While he "found" himself.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Sotto, I don’t know what he suggests yet, since we didn’t have that conversation he said we need to have. He always wanted the vacation home condo, and this what he wants me to sign off to him. I don’t know what is fair. I ‘m on the opposite side of the struggle. What H gets, my son will not, since he is not his biological son and not adopted.

bttrfly, this is what I’m trying to do – not to act from the place of anger. And then Heather disagrees with that, LOL…

Heather, thank you for your compassion and for 2x4 . I see where you are coming from. You know my story so well. I probably would feel the same way if I would be reading about my sitch from outside. I think you are on the other side of the fence now. I’m not quite there. I’m (was) kind of still standing for my M. I think I’ve been suppressing my anger, because I was still hoping that H would wake up one day. I’m going through the grief process all over again now, since I think I finally lost that hope and realized that this is it. I’m almost sure that the anger will surface when the D process starts. I will have nothing to lose then.

[Lifes Twists]

Bright,

If you combine what heather and bttrfly are saying you will have your answer. Fight for what is rightly yours. Dont be vindictive and ask for everything. So channel both the anger and some compassion and you will come out ahead.

This is a long hard road we are on. To win we have to fight for ourselves right now. In the end you want to be happy with your self.

[bttrfly]

^^^^ this is what I'm saying:
of COURSE you're angry. Who wouldn't be?!!! But there is a vast difference between owning one's anger and being vindictive. Fight for what is fair to you and both sides, don't get drawn into any vindictive behaviour. At the end of this I want my son to be able to say that his mother stood up for herself and for him, but did it with grace and compassion. That's what I'm advocating for here for you as well xoxoxoxo
sending love and light and hugs

[LoisB]

I hear us Bright I do... And I'm here for you no matter what 100 percent.

I feel angry with your H. As your friend, I feel angry.

Just don't forget the anger is a vital part of the process which opens the door to forgiveness. It's crazy, but true. :-)

[ForeverYoung]

Bright, you always were, and still are, a very loving wife. Your husband is very fortunate to have you. Please always remember this.

As for anger, here's my take. Life is much too short to live it in anger. If you can do with less of it, great! Of course we all will have to deal with some anger, but I see no reason to worry about not having enough of it. Enjoy your life... every day. We only have so many of them.

Like my wife and I, you are fortunate to be in good financial shape. Great job! Use it to your advantage. Avoiding anger, pain, and a drawn out divorce (should it come to that) would be worth a few bucks to me. No sense in giving more to the lawyers.

Bust on, Bright... and thanks for all the support you've given me.

[BrightFuture]

Thanks everyone for the input. I will see what H comes up with and then will go from there.

I hear us Bright I do... And I'm here for you no matter what 100 percent.

I feel angry with your H. As your friend, I feel angry.

Just don't forget the anger is a vital part of the process which opens the door to forgiveness. It's crazy, but true. :-)

Thank you, Heather. You are truly a great friend.

FY, you are always so kind and optimistic. Every time I read your posts, I see some hope. It is the way you phrase your responses, and also the way you are standing for your M and your wife. Thank you for stopping by again .

So, during H’s last “appearance” at the house, when I handed him his check, he asked me to deposit it, since he doesn’t have our bank chain anywhere close to where he was going to. He said that he would also let me know which invoices to apply that check to, since the amount was less than he submitted. I didn’t hear from him about this until yesterday. I suppose he was busy playing and didn’t have time to think about the business. His text was very detailed and very polite. Mr. good guy

Coincidentally, the night before one of our mutual friends on FB posted a few videos taken this past January. The video was taken during the off road races near the vacation home. On one of the videos people were screaming while a race car was approaching, and then I saw H waking towards the camera with a smirk on his face. Apparently, H got very close to the race track (it is a dirt road and there are no barriers) and I think he mooned the car. He looked like he was very proud of himself. Speaking about rebellious, risk taking teenager…

So, the text next day almost looked like he was trying to portray himself as a responsible person, hehe. Might be just my speculation…

Another thing that I found a bit strange. My BIL (H’s brother) texted me last Saturday, asking how I was doing. I texted back and asked him about his condition and if he needed any help. He replied back saying that he is sore, but not too bad. Then he said that we should get together this week. WTF? He might feel a little guilty about not telling me that H was here. Or… he might just need a ride to the pub, LOL.

I have two holiday parties at work this week, one for the department and another for the company. Need to gather some energy.