New or false hope?

[JulieH]

Am a little sick to my stomach now. See I was better off when I lost hope and vilified him and was moving on. Now with this new hope I have to stop myself from pursuing again and questioning and worrying about him changing his mind.

H just came to pick up kids. He was polite but could barely look at me. I can tell he is mad or sad or something...about court date. He has to pay less then we both expected. (Still not sure why, I think there was a miscalculation by magistrate but it's so confusing. Either way I'm not overly concerned about this for now)

While we were waiting, at first I was annoyed that he was not being honest about some of the CS stipulations. He does not know that I am well aware of my rights. Felt a little like he was trying to sell me something and that has never been his personality. Then we were more friendly and talking like old times. He brought up counseling to me. I told him I had mistrusted his motivations and he responded with "I know".

I was mad and spoke out during meeting because he "nickel and dimed me on a small amount of money". I felt like it was the principle of the matter, since I had not been getting support for so many months. he felt like I'm the one that wanted things done by the book and this was by the book. He was correct legally. when we left court room we were arguing about it and about finances.

He did say he wants to put this behind us and start a new slate. He says he has nothing and I don't understand it. I have so much mistrust regarding his finances.
He wants me to work full time if we are to have any future. (Obviously I don't trust This) I told him this was his choice. He says it was not. We were in agreement about some things but we were arguing anyway. I just was not able to validate. I was argumentative but calm I rarely yell or lose control that way..he was frusturated and kind of yelling. Basically it was both of us trying to be right again.

We were back to all our old ways. And this is what I am afraid of. IT IS SO HARD TO USE COMMUNICATION AND VALIDATION TECHNIQUES WHEN UNDER STRESS AND IN HEAT OF MOMENT!!! This was something we both expressed to counselor. It's almost like we cannot break out of old habits. And I know better and I still have not been able to with him.

What should I do now?? Doubt that he still means what he said about pursuing reconciliation after that. Does it make him think that we will never be able to reach agreement and be doomed to life of conflict? Probably. I'm not saying I was all wrong and neither was he. But I do feel hopeless. Even worse, I think he feels it is hopeless.

I am afraid now to initiate talk with him, because if he sees that I want reconciliation he might try to walk all over me, or it seems that when I wanted reconciliation he wanted opposite. So if I'm patient and just give him time to think and let him initiate a conversation is that wiser? Is is Better to not let him. Know I care a lot about reconciling?