New or false hope?

[Dawgs]

Hi, I am not up to speed on the situation so please excuse if my questions, etc., don't make sense.

I didn't do anything to make it go away, but I told him I felt bad for him and us - that when he has hurt me, I couldn't seek comfort in him, like a spouse should be able to, and now I couldn't comfort him in his need.

I have a question about this - my W has stated before that I wasn't there when she needed me, but in reality I was. Its a perception thing for her (I discussed her emotional/mental issues in my thread, so I won't bring them up here) and she really believes what she perceives to be true. So, if one's spouse feels that they weren't supported/comforted, then how will continuing the same thing produce a desired result?

[JulieH]

Court date coming up. It's bizarre. Because right now I am thinking that if I am stressed, husband must be even more so. I am worried for what stress can do to his health. I know I shouldn't feel this way. I want to text and see how he is holding up. Although who knows, once in court He might end up acting in a way unfair to me, in which case I will regret having compassion.

I would imagine he would have to feel embarrassed and ashamed to be petitioned for child support. That's only something that happens to dead beat dads. I Or maybe he is mad at me for it. He says it's due to poor communication. i think he's in denial. I can't believe it had to come to this. I am sad and nervous and I miss him. I don't feel this way very often now. But I also mistrust him.

If he made an effort to communicate with me I would have more trust. He never was able to communicate.

Ok I'm just rambling and I have to get sleep.

[tl2]

Hi Julie,

I think all of those feelings are perfectly normal given the situation. You're right to take care of business first.

But I think you're also right to be concerned about him. He is your husband and your kids' dad. At this time his well-being is his choice though, and not something you can have much influence on. Take care that you don't allow yourself to be manipulated because of your compassion.

Best wishes!

[Painter]

Hi, I am not up to speed on the situation so please excuse if my questions, etc., don't make sense.

I didn't do anything to make it go away, but I told him I felt bad for him and us - that when he has hurt me, I couldn't seek comfort in him, like a spouse should be able to, and now I couldn't comfort him in his need.

I have a question about this - my W has stated before that I wasn't there when she needed me, but in reality I was. Its a perception thing for her (I discussed her emotional/mental issues in my thread, so I won't bring them up here) and she really believes what she perceives to be true. So, if one's spouse feels that they weren't supported/comforted, then how will continuing the same thing produce a desired result?

Since you referred to my post, I'll try to reply (sorry for hijacking, Julie!)

What I was talking about, was the pain H and I both experienced during the revelation of his A. My hurt over his betrayal, his shame and embarassment.

Without knowing much about your situation, I would suggest looking at love languages. You may feel that you are there for your spouse, but if you're not saying it in his/her language, you won't be understood.

[JulieH]

Am a little sick to my stomach now. See I was better off when I lost hope and vilified him and was moving on. Now with this new hope I have to stop myself from pursuing again and questioning and worrying about him changing his mind.

H just came to pick up kids. He was polite but could barely look at me. I can tell he is mad or sad or something...about court date. He has to pay less then we both expected. (Still not sure why, I think there was a miscalculation by magistrate but it's so confusing. Either way I'm not overly concerned about this for now)

While we were waiting, at first I was annoyed that he was not being honest about some of the CS stipulations. He does not know that I am well aware of my rights. Felt a little like he was trying to sell me something and that has never been his personality. Then we were more friendly and talking like old times. He brought up counseling to me. I told him I had mistrusted his motivations and he responded with "I know".

I was mad and spoke out during meeting because he "nickel and dimed me on a small amount of money". I felt like it was the principle of the matter, since I had not been getting support for so many months. he felt like I'm the one that wanted things done by the book and this was by the book. He was correct legally. when we left court room we were arguing about it and about finances.

He did say he wants to put this behind us and start a new slate. He says he has nothing and I don't understand it. I have so much mistrust regarding his finances.
He wants me to work full time if we are to have any future. (Obviously I don't trust This) I told him this was his choice. He says it was not. We were in agreement about some things but we were arguing anyway. I just was not able to validate. I was argumentative but calm I rarely yell or lose control that way..he was frusturated and kind of yelling. Basically it was both of us trying to be right again.

We were back to all our old ways. And this is what I am afraid of. IT IS SO HARD TO USE COMMUNICATION AND VALIDATION TECHNIQUES WHEN UNDER STRESS AND IN HEAT OF MOMENT!!! This was something we both expressed to counselor. It's almost like we cannot break out of old habits. And I know better and I still have not been able to with him.

What should I do now?? Doubt that he still means what he said about pursuing reconciliation after that. Does it make him think that we will never be able to reach agreement and be doomed to life of conflict? Probably. I'm not saying I was all wrong and neither was he. But I do feel hopeless. Even worse, I think he feels it is hopeless.

I am afraid now to initiate talk with him, because if he sees that I want reconciliation he might try to walk all over me, or it seems that when I wanted reconciliation he wanted opposite. So if I'm patient and just give him time to think and let him initiate a conversation is that wiser? Is is Better to not let him. Know I care a lot about reconciling?

[JulieH]

I reread 2 key points
1. He did Nickle and dime me despite not paying for many months.
2. Unaware that I knew my rights, he was trying to convince me to agree to
something that court would have favored me on. This is sleazy. I try not
To be dishonest with myself or anyone.
3. His finances make no sense,

Why am I concerned with what he thinks? Why am I worried he does not want to reconcile? I had a right to be mad and Frusturated. But I feel it's at expense of us getting along.

He is mad and frusturated because I brought him to court (found it humiliating and said we could have worked it out together) and because I am not working full time. Who is right?

[gonegrl]

Julie, I am sorry. I would not say it is hopeless, but you are at a point where detachment would be your best option. I know, way easier said than done. Keep DB'ing, keep taking care of yourself and your children legally, and you really don't know what the future will be. Right now emotions are running high, let things cool off. Let things return to a "new normal", and see what happens in the future. I would not make any decisions right now. Let him pay cs for a few months and you decide what you want to do as far as working. Let it play out.

As far as the "not validating" him when emotions are running high. I had a hard time with that one, but with practice it gets easier. Tell yourself in advance that you can do it, plan ahead to do it, expect that it will be bad and plan accordingly. You don't have to tell him he is right to validate. You can say "I haven't thought of it that way" or "I would like some time to think it over from your perspective." You don't have to agree. Actually you shouldn't agree if you really do not.

I am sorry it was such a rough day. Hang in there.

[Zues126]

Julie,

I had one conversation where I not only didn't validate, I argued and grew angry. I'll link my post on what I did and how I handled it. You've got this.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...501#Post2502501

[JulieH]

Pho, you are right. Thank you.

I was doing ok detaching until he brought up reconciliation and now I am hooked back in. I now think of future with him instead of a future moving forward without him. that could lead me to pursuing and making demands I should not be right now. It could also lead to more hurt and dissapointment.

It's funny that I have to not want him anymore in order for him to want me.

We both need to let things cool off. This was very stressful. Problem is I like everything out in open and am pretty direct and he likes space. This takes a lot of strength for me to just let go right now. Not force things.

I'm going to a party tomorrow so that might help.

[JulieH]

Zues, just read your letter. That was a good idea. I Wish I remember exactly what was said.

I Don't think I ever validate husband. We always just argue and grow angry. My husband even said, this issue is just cyclical. We can't come to agreement and just keep trying to get each other to understand our feelings instead of trying to understand each others.

I feel sad because i feel like I can't get it right and just end up with regrets. It keeps getting worse.

He feels humiliated and feels like I was treating him like a dead beat dad by bringing him to family court. he is not a dead beat dad but he was not contributing fairly and I felt I had no other recourse. I could have written him a letter and asserted myself better from the beginning. but instead I built up resentment. I was also convinced things were over and he did not want to work on reconciliation at that time.

How could going to court not bring out anger and harsh. I should have been prepared. I was doing ok until he fought over a few hundred dollars and then I just could not keep from commenting