The Next Day...

[mahhhty]

Pho - I don't mind any sort of hijack.

GB - I'll try to split this into three areas...

Consequence we push them away.

This phrase presumes way too much power over a wayward wife....

My comment was in light of an ongoing relationship. Not at all applicable to me. But I did find it interesting.

My contention, NOT pursuing a wayward wife at all, in most instances, completely supports the wayward wife's rationalizations and justification. You confirm, you didn't care if she cheated, you didn't love her, you don't love her and you're actually OK with the situation. You didn't care enough to fight for her (and OM is telling her he would never do that). When you initially go crazy, begging, pursuing and being a complete fool trying to "win" her back after discovery day she pulls away and/or gets upset because you are NOT behaving in the manner her brain has chosen to rationalize HER behavior to cheat. Mostly, your upset, desperate and erratic behavior interferes with her primary [addictive puppy love hormone inducing] relationship with OM. In other words, her lack of response isn't because YOU aren't attractive. It isn't about you. It's about OM.

I feel as if we have had a similar conversations. X is a non-confrontation, super passive, stubborn little lady, who shuts down when pushed and holds grudges, she DOES NOT talk about how she feels. She has NO friends outside of work, that are just her friends. If not for work friends, which now includes OM, she would just be hanging out with her family only.

I have often felt that withdrawing from a withdrawn woman, will not help. I also have felt that being withdrawn (which I was due to frequent travel) is a major reason we are in this situation, so the 180 would be to not be withdrawn. I have tried various methods to break through. And I am at a loss.

I mean we take vows to one another to love each other in good times and bad, sickness and health. So although our spouse's FEELING like they might love another person more than you is a pretty horrible circumstance wouldn't/couldn't it also be considered one of those "bad times" that we vowed to love them anyway? Is my behavior ruled by my wayward wife's FEELINGS, or my vows to love her regardless of FEELINGS? If so, what does love look like there. I don't think it's loving to just let your spouse, your flesh, walk away making the biggest mistake of their lives, without a fight. Tough love would hold them accountable for their behavior. Consistently, I don't think it's loving to keep pursing them forever in the face of repeated, consistent and firm rebuff. At some point you love them enough to let them go, while attending to the wounds inflicted upon yourself losing your own flesh.

I don't think many can play the "For Better or Worse Card" as much as I have tried to. I agree (and my letter identifies so) that I believe we failed our vows and our children. I'm open to trying anything (as I think I've proved) but I have no idea, how to turn this around besides doing LRT and just focusing on me.

Your post seems as if you expect me to rally. Rally back, don't give up, give it my best. Man... I'm honestly at a loss of what I could possibly do. I'm not giving up and I do have faith. But I'm confident I don't know how to get there from here. So perhaps moving on is the only thing for me.