LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (6)

[CaliGuy]

Typically they have it all plotted out in their kinds exactly how things will go, we never know this because it's nothing but mind reading attempts.... As lon as things are on their schedule it is smooth sailing, once a variable gets out of line... Is not playing the role written, OM not playing the role written, financials not being as they hoped they will start actin up and pouting. There has to be a huge sense of ... Uh oh, this is real and it's not what I expected it to be type eureka moment before there is movement

You are all up in her head and her plans but basically in the dark and its limbo .... Focus on what you want and need.... It's not her the way she is, even if she told you she did not want to D at this point it would be due to something not falling in line, set your boundaries and hold to them.

[gs9]

Thanks Cali, When I told her if she D'd me I could not handle her staying in the house I also told her I did not want her to choose to stay in the M bc she has no where to live.

I hope and pray she has a eureka moment!

Her plan is going to need to include professional individual help.

I am sad but I have a real sense of peace about the whole thing. I've been imagining my life without her and it's good. I think the 3 weeks after the D until she moves out will be easier then the next week.

[CaliGuy]

I recall a saying I read and later told my wife "I know exactly what I bring to the table, that's why I'm not afraid of eating alone"

One of the things with my wife was her assumption we would be friends after, I was extremely clear I wanted no part of that fantasy and when she got emotional and asked why (after all the times we had) I explained to her even if I could get over the fact I was demoted from husband to friend, I would never ... Nor have I ... Kept a "friend" who had lied, cheated and stole from me, as my wife I would be open to work out the issues but as a friend as far as I was concerned it would be best to part ways and move on

[gs9]

About 6 weeks ago I told her we were not going to be buddy buddy...we were not going to be friends. I did not want to be friends with someone who would completely tear our family apart the way she was.

I'm not sure she even remembers. She's in such a fog she twist and contorts the facts and truth to fit her little fantasy. Only a week until D day. Not sure I should tell her again or not.

[CaliGuy]

Don't bring it up, simply correct her if she suggests it again. That being said the line "someone who would completely tear our family apart like she has"... Sit and think about that for a moment. Sure she made a choice, but you also hand a hand in the erosion of your marriage... Careful pinning this all on her, she simply arrived at a point she made a choice, that's on her... But you need to own your share in the demise of the M too, casting all the blame like that will not suit your cause right? Think about where that is coming from, a place of frustration and anger... It's natural, do not allow that stuff to control your thoughts or actions.

[gs9]

Good pt Cali,
Our D is scheduled to be finalized next Friday so I don't know if it'll come up but if I'm supposed to remind her than it will.
I think it was coming from a place of frustration. I've been working so hard on our M and tolerated so much abuse I am frustrated that she would cut the final string. I know I haven't been a perfect H or even good at times but I've never given up. I'm frustrated that she is giving up.

[trumpet]

gs9,

Focus, Daniel-son.

Don't fumble the football at the 1 yard line.

This is her circus soon, and her monkeys.

You are feeling emotions that are quite logical. I think you need to continue to prepare for D day. You have done well so far - I am impressed.

I'm watching and rooting for you!

[Huddy]

Hi gs

I have only just seen your post on my thread as I've been away.

Personally, once your d'd, I just can't see how you can live in the same house. She has made her decision and she has to go. She can't have her cake and eat it.

[dday]

Gs9, I think you have been doing pretty well. My opinion, which isn't worth much, is that you need to show her that being friends isn't what you want. (I'm in the same boat.) No more cake! As far as staying in the house, you are stronger than me. Just seeing my stbxw makes me spin. Keep your emotions in check as best you can.

Hold it together for a few more days. I'm pulling for ya! "It ain't over til I say it's over!" Eminem lyric. Keep on DBing.

[gs9]

Thanks guys. She agreed to be out by Jan 5th. She put in an application for a place but it isn't available until the 5th.
Then last night she told me she paused the application because they want to do an employment verification and she didn't want to explain to her new boss why she is getting an apartment. I thought "not my problem. Your circus your monkeys". Then she said they would take proof of 6 months income which she will have once my equity loan closes and I pay her off.
She is definitely taking some steps in the right direction but she's going to need to come a lot further for this D not to go through. She recently admitted she was wrong to insult my family the way she has and she was wrong to say some of the nasty things she has said to me. It's not an apology but for her to say she was wrong is a big step.

This morning over text she asked if I was mad at her. I told her I'm not mad at you. I'm angry with you.
She said she didn't understand what that means.
I told her I wasn't sure she was in the right place emotionally to understand and accept my feelings. if she would be willing/able to put herself in my shoes. If she isn't it's ok it's just where she is right now but there wouldn't be a point expressing my feelings.
She said she would like to hear my feelings.
So I told her all the reasons I'm angry with her.
she said "I can see why that would make you feel angry."

This is another huge step for her. In the past she would have been defensive, told me why I shouldn't feel angry or fired back with how she feels about things.

Not enough but steps in the right direction.