spoke to OW..the 1 he said he has no contact with

[sandi2]

Sorry Rain, thought I was on Cola thread.

[Rain75]

I was having a better day today and then i got a text saying he was on his way.

He got here soon after..so text was sent in transit. Did not ask to see the kids. Asked me to come outside. Handed me a bag of clothes a friends wife gave him for our son and money for gifts.

I asked him if he also had my belongings from his place he said no. I gave him everything he had at my place he said all he needed was his movies. I told him it's best of he takes it all. Then he looked at my car and got it working again.

I thanked him and came inside. He then text saying he will be working a lot the next few weeks and will not have any days off. I don't believe him but simply answered. "Okay"

I was shaking. My stomach is still in knots. I wish he hadn't come at all. I hate this. All of it.

[Rain75]

No worries Sandi. I got some insight from what you wrote to cola. So you helped us both.

[cola]

Sandi,
Is there a huge difference between a MLC and an affair?
Seems like it is difficult to determine what it may be other then how W had acted the last year prior to affair.

[tl2]

I hate this. All of it.

I'm so sorry. We're all with you cause we all hate it too.

Just keep moving forward doing what's good for you. It will get better if you do.

[Rain75]

Thanks Tl2....and i am trying. Like i said i was having a slightly better day. Turned my phone off for a while. Watched a movie with the kids. Made us lunch etc

That he thinks he can just come by with no warning bothers me too.

I'll keep on keeping on. No other choice.

[Pink17]

Hi Rain,

Just know that it is all normal. The stomach pain, the shaking, the hate and the unbelievable sadness and emptiness it causes it's all normal for now.

It will get better I promise you. Maybe it won't be as fast as you want and he will do many other things to hurt you. But "YOU" will learn how to be yourself again and how to deal with this situation every time it comes up.

This is a process and a very painful one. So, take this time to reflect about yourself, walks are good, take the kids somewhere fun, like was said before, confide your pain and worries to someone that will have the patient to listen.

And remember that all this will take time, even much more then you think it would. What you do during this time is up to you and you have complete control.

Remember that what you do not have any control is your H's actions and decisions, you this trash bag OW actions and decision.

I tell you from my own sitch, it is horrible at first, then slowly you start seeing yourself in a different way. You make many mistakes and learn each time. The faster you learn, the better. I was a slow learner.

I am divorced now, but I am still talking to my XWH. So, really it became just a piece of paper. Is he coming back to me, I don't know. But I know who I am now, I am stronger and I respect myself much more then when I was married to him.

I guess I just want to tell you to have patience, do what is right for your kids and yourself. That you will be the one carrying the heavy load right now because you want to recover your R.

You know that his R with this OW is just some fantasy of his. There are many problems there and there are many dirty stuff floating around as she is also married to someone else.

Let it be, let it go for now. Don't give him any reason to blame you. Let him deal with all of that and see for himself that you are not the main problem for him.

So, what are you planning for XMas? Any gathering with friends or with family? Do not wait around for him. Go somewhere, take your kids and have some fun. Yes, I know, it may not be so fun because you are hurting inside.

Well, pretend it is all fun. Force yourself to be around other people, eventually you will find out it is a lot of fun.

And by the way, did you get any appointment with an IC for yourself? What did you decided about the anti depressants to take this edge (stomach ache, shaking)?

And the weight loss, any pound off already?

Look at yourself in the mirror and think what you want to see there. Is your hair the way you want right now? Are your nails done? How many pounds off is your goal?

You said you are a stay home mom, can you work? There is any way to start the kids in a daycare? Or a family member can help with the kids?

Are you gathering all the paperwork you will need if you want to pursue the law in the future? Did you get the appointment with a lawyer to find out what are your rights for many specific situation, like house, kids, cars, financial obligations, child support, health insurance, maybe alimony. You need to be thinking even about your kids and their future, do you know what may happen if you drop dead tomorrow? Who will take care after your kids?

It seems very drastic, but it is real life and if you is the only one left to think about your kids, then it is one of those times in life that it is all unfair, but there is no other way, you will need to swallow the knot in your throat, toughen up, put those big girls pants on and be the one responsible here.

I know you can do it. It's hard to think because you are hurt to the extreme, but you can do it for the love of your kids and yourself.

((((((((((((((((((((Rain)))))))))))))))))))))
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[cola]

I just talked to a friend of mine who's W has been having an A (1yr). She filed for divorce last month and it should be final in 30 days. All along he has been going along with what she has been saying about the marriage and its problems. He has been empathetic to her and says to W your right I haven't been a great partner the last couple years, but I am in counseling and I am changing and making myself better. Now 30 days into D she is back pedaling, calling and texting him all the time. She wants to work on marriage now. He is being cautious and says its ok to her and is just letting her go. He wants to save marriage but isn't pushing her. She is beginning to pursue him. I happy for him. He had been thru a situation like this 20 years ago with his first wife. He knew what to expect and made his decision not to pressure her early on and let her go. It seems to be working.
Me on the other hand. I tried for the first 8 months and finally I am letting go. My W has shown no remorse and has really stopped communicating altogether. Not just with me, but with our daughter also. I don't really understand the lack of comm. with D as they were extremely close. Next weekend we have graduation and I am going to discuss with my WW how we are going to handle it. D does not want to walk in her college grad. ceremony. I told her she has earned it and we are very proud of her, please don't let this stop what you are doing in life. She is very down. We seem to know a couple family's in this same situation and the WW all have shown remorse except my W. This brings on alot of pain for us.
I am going to try and discuss our situation with her. She has never opened up to me about what had happened. Just we drifted apart. That was my answer. I am thinking of changing the approach to what he has been doing. IDK if it will have any effect but what do I have to lose. If she doesn't want the marriage I cant force her. I'll just move on in my life and better myself as I go. Maybe she will realize that she is losing the 99% for the 1% of the AP.

[Pink17]

Cola I am not sure you noticed but this is Train's thread. You need to post on your own thread so people can answer you accordingly, if not your posts will be all over the place and won't make any sense to anyone here. What will stop you from getting the right advices.

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[Cristy]

Hello Rain,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Great job getting out & going for a walk. Keep it up! Maybe coffee next time You are getting great advice from everyone here. Continue to use this place to vent and journal.

It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004