Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

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Posted By: Virginia
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
V

Hey Sci,
Id like to second this I never meant to tell my good buddy that wife had and A but he basically asked me point blank if she was because he had figured it out based on her actions i made 2 mistakes 1 confirming with him and 2 telling my wife he knew. Him knowing has complicated the potential road him added a few more bumps if you will. My wife now says we have no chance of saving our M now that my buddy knows. She could have just said that out of frustration but i can understand her concern my buddy holds grudges. Anyways, Im thinking what i should have one is said im not getting into details when my buddy asked. IMHO I'd say its probably better others figure out on their own. I dono about your W but mines pretty sloppy when it comes to hiding the A im sure it wont be long before her family figures out whats going on and thats without me saying anything. Im no expert but this is just my opinion on the matter and my personal expereince with telling people the wholw truth.