Unlurking, Rd II: Hitting reset

[tl2]

It is possible to detach without appearing rude or ignoring her. Emotional detachment means your emotions are not tied to her actions.

Seconded. When I was doing this I thought of my W as a male colleague I worked with but wasn't close friends with who I was sharing a living space for a while. I was polite and minimially sociable and kept to myself and the kids. It worked in the sense that I felt better and became much more functional and positive on my own.

[SciDad]

Thanks for your thoughts Spiff. I try not to read much into any of my wife's comments. For the most part I was just curious what she'd say. Having intel makes these kinds of conversations much more interesting. Since I already know some of the truth I can look most of the answer and try to get to the motives or identify possible problems (like the friends comment). In short, strange as it seems intel helps me REALLY listen.

1) I agree, doing nothing is allowing it to continue. Is that what you want?

In case you didn't mean this as a rhetorical question, I absolutely do not want the status quo. Lack of conflict is not the same as a healthy marriage.

3. How could you set up a sting? I am interested in this for a variety of reasons. Although, we both may not be ready for what we find.

In my case it's more straightforward - I know where the OM works, where his children live, and have a good idea of his schedule. First part would be to follow him to find out where he lives. Once I know that, I just need to show up when my wife is "working late" or "shopping" or giving any other BS excuse. Then I'd either leave a note on her car or more likely wait for her to come home where I would confront her about where she was. For me, I'm not worried about what I'd find - it can't be much worse than I'm picturing. It's more about giving her another free pass. If I keep catching her and letting her back what does that say about my boundaries? The only move I see making would be to tell her to GTF out of our house. I'm not ready for that yet.

4) I don't think telling her parents would be such a great idea. She would see that as enlisting them for your aid and possibly even resent you more than that. I don't think her parents would have that much, if any, sway in the long run. And it quite possibly would do more damage than good.

Darn, I really liked the idea of getting them involved. Maybe it's because I haven't told any of my family what's going on...

What plans do you have going on?

[NateG79]

Sorry to hear this. Like you, I know lots about the OM that my wife began her affair with. I tracked down everything about the guy. I know his wife's name, his position at my wife's work, his address, his church's address, even his tee off times. But I don't have any solid evidence to really blast them with. I had a chance once, when I found the texts after our separation, and after she said she had broken it off. I missed it, and she locked her phone after that. We're on separate phone lines now, so I can't pursue it.

[Vanilla]

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Posted By: Virginia
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.

V

[Vanilla]

I do believe in Intel and I also have called it on a sting. The fact that a wayward and their scuzzy are caught, removes the gloss.

Pink followed and caught her WH with his French fancy, I called my WH on his fish wife and now his Maggotroni. That way you are clear and it cuts the lies.

It is to protect you, so you can truth dart. It also gives you the power, I would not call it to the betrayed spouse or to family. Although to share with a safe person is a great idea.

Never give up the MBA or your home. If you take great L advice that helps.

Cards close to the chest always, and document, record and monitor.

It helps you be strong.

V

[SciDad]

Iitl, Tl2 - Thank you both.

I know I have huge detachment issues that I need to work on. I think the important thing is to make sure I'm emotionally detaching, not physically detaching. At moments I think I've got it nailed, then I look back and realize I was fooling myself. I doubt I'm alone in this, but it's still frustrating

[SciDad]

NateG, intel is still useful, even if all it provides is a way to test our spouses answers. As a scientist I've been trained to think all data is good data.

The trick is to not become so obsessed with gathering Intel that we forget our goals. If we obsess to the point we neglect our personal growth, Intel gathering becomes counter productive.

[SciDad]

V,

Message received, and that's why I posted before I did anything. I've taken telling my w'so parents off the table for now. There is just too much at risk. I have a few safe people I've told, and it is helping immensely.

I'll need to think more on the sting/intel before I make any moves. It's a step I don't take lightly

[SciDad]

Journaling:

I don't really have much to report. Wife was late coming home last night, so I helped the kids with their homework. She said she had car problems, but I'm not convinced. To be on the safe side I'll give her car a thorough looking at over the weekend, but where she was or wasn't did not affect me.

I was tempted to let the kids play and leave the homework to my W (it's her unofficial "job" to help with schoolwork), but I don't want to use my kids as pawns in any relationship games. All it would serve is to increase family anxiety and stress. There's enough of that (especially at the holidays) without me adding to it. Not to mention I like being involved with my kids.

I'm not sure if this is progress, but when my wife mentioned improvements we could make to our holiday recipes for next year, I didn't flinch, didn't spiral into doubt. I absolutely noticed the talk of a future, but I didn't read much into it. It's not worth the effort or attention to make guesses at what might happen. All I can do is focus on what I can control, enjoy the good moments in life, and embrace the struggles as challenges that will strengthen me.

I'll try to continue the detachment about her comings and goings over the weekend - we will most likely need to split chores and she will be on her own to do whatever she wants to do.

[Strngr!]

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Posted By: Virginia
A message from Michele Weiner-Davis

Hi Divorce Busters,

It has come to my attention that some people on this message board are strongly suggesting advice that runs counter to my Divorce Busting philosophy and practice- the notion of exposing a spouse's affair to family members. While this plan may be helpful to one couple, it would completely backfire in other marriages. I have worked with many couples where the betrayed spouse revealed all the information to friends and family with extremely detrimental outcomes. First, when the unfaithful spouse discovered this had happened, he or she decided to file for divorce and it became a final decision. Secondly, there are those situations where the couple began to heal from the infidelity and get their marriage back on track, but the family members undermined the couples' efforts and even "disowned" the betrayed spouse. This made life-long commitments after infidelity a very challenging outcome because few people like giving up their family and friends. So, while I do believe that betrayed spouses need support from loved ones when dealing with such a distressing situation, it is ESSENTIAL that the information about the affair be shared CAREFULLY and with full recognition about the possible risks. I always recommend that, if information is shared, the person with whom it is shared is marriage-friendly, even in the face of infidelity. Nonetheless, it's still important to recognize potential risks.
V

Hey Sci,
Id like to second this I never meant to tell my good buddy that wife had and A but he basically asked me point blank if she was because he had figured it out based on her actions i made 2 mistakes 1 confirming with him and 2 telling my wife he knew. Him knowing has complicated the potential road him added a few more bumps if you will. My wife now says we have no chance of saving our M now that my buddy knows. She could have just said that out of frustration but i can understand her concern my buddy holds grudges. Anyways, Im thinking what i should have one is said im not getting into details when my buddy asked. IMHO I'd say its probably better others figure out on their own. I dono about your W but mines pretty sloppy when it comes to hiding the A im sure it wont be long before her family figures out whats going on and thats without me saying anything. Im no expert but this is just my opinion on the matter and my personal expereince with telling people the wholw truth.