Back on these forums again 4

[Mona52]

I cannot believe the outpouring of support on my thread this morning. My head is spinning in circles. Not so much because of H. He is a small part of it, but I went to IC yesterday and she flipped my world. Having so much support on here this morning was like seeing a life preserver as the waves are crashing on me.

I am beginning to think my world will never be steady. It is so (there is no word strong enough) awesome to see I can hold on to the people here.

job! As always you pulled out just the piece of paper I needed to get started in the right direction! I see that boundaries book listed at the top of the page and my IC suggested that same book yesterday. I ordered it now .

V, I thrive on lots of articles and reading. That website is gold and I cannot believe I have never seen it before. I cant wait to get started!

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Yesterday my IC put a name on a problem I never knew I had. I have been getting more and more upset when I hear a compliment lately. It feels like they are stabbing me when I hear a compliment. Because of my H, I was able to handle this before, but now that I am completely alone, complements are out of my ability now.

If someone called me a b!^&* or stupid or fat or ugly I would be able to process that and be fine. But if someone says words like amazing, pretty, good dancer, great chili, I cannot cope. I feel a lump in my throat and it feel like they punched me.

I feel like a complete fraud and liar. like at any second everyone will realize I lied about everything. I pull out my degree and see my name on it and I feel it was given to me by accident, and any second they will call and say it was a mistake, I am too stupid to have a degree. I feel like, at any minute my boss will come in and say that I should have never been hired, it was a huge mistake and I should leave.

I can see facts, like i quit smoking, but in my head my accomplishments are a lie, the facts are somehow wrong. I had no idea I even felt this way. It has been growing since my H left. My IC said it is called impostor syndrome.

I googled it yesterday and I just cant believe what I read. I cried and cried. The first article I read was on caltech's website. Caltech is such an elite school. Only the best of the best go there. Apparently some women are struggling there because they do not feel they are good enough to be there. Brilliant human beings, cannot see their own brilliance.

This syndrome created a sort of co-dependency on my H. She asked me how my H saw me. For the first time in her office, I could not speak because I was crying so hard. My H has always seen me as amazing. He said it all of the time. I believed him enough that I could function. That is gone from me now. Gone.

My IC told me I was not amazing because my H said I was amazing. She said he thought I was amazing because I am amazing.

So I have to figure out a way to deal with my co-dependency, boundaries and impostor syndrome.

The very easiest to begin is financial boundaries with my H. I did not give him any money. Yes, I was worried, but the worst I feared actually happened. He is no longer speaking to me. Ya know what? My life is exactly the same as it was a few days ago. It makes no difference if he is speaking to me.

So that proves that a firm boundary of never giving him money, not only is possible, but it really is not that difficult compared to everything else I have to deal with right now.

I am not going near my impostor syndrome yet. I read all they said on how to fix it and not one of the techniques have a prayer of working on me. For example, one technique is to look at proof of an accomplishment. Well I can look at my diploma and my degree all day, and I still feel like i absolutely do not deserve it.

So that brings me to co-dependency and boundaries. Right now, I do not feel co-dependency is a huge problem, especially since I am alone and I can depend on no one... SO I am stuck with boundaries! That is the first issue I will tackle.

And I logged in here today and there was a mountain of resources just waiting on my thread for boundaries!

From the bottom of my heart thank you job, Gmum (I AM going to buy something adorable!), V, Z, mut, PP, Di, Jelly, otw and everyone else who comes here. You have truly made a huge difference in my life today. I am no where near drowning anymore!