Back on these forums again 4

[JellyB]

People say all the time, "You have to set up boundaries."

I haven't a clue how to do this...

Is this really true??????

So you are a 5 year old who moved from velcro slip on shoes to trying to tie their own laces. You are a novice -likely, but clueless not at all.

Breathe Mona. You did great!

[Mona52]

I have to stop and list a positive.
In the beginning (yes, I realize i am STILL in the beginning...)
In the beginning, it was torture to go an hour and not text him. I was constantly checking my phone. Every few minutes I had to stop myself from texting him with some 'important' news or request.

Today is Dec 10th, during the month of December:
*I contacted him once because S's therapist asked me to, so that does not count!
*I contacted him On Fri after I found out about the A.
*Sat he contacted me and I only replied
*Monday we went to see S together
*Yesterday I contacted him, but again only about child care
*Today I replied to his request for money

If you add it up, I only broke down and contacted him ONE day where I should not have contacted him. And I had just discovered an A, so I am letting myself off the hook.

The point I am trying to show myself is that going dark seemed impossible, but now it is second nature to NOT contact him. I never EXPECT him to text me anymore.

Also... He has been making his own food (actually, he has most likely been eating out of vending machines, not my problem), he has been doing his own laundry, buying his own iced tea (we are addicts), setting his own alarm clock, oh.. and a BIG one... fixing his own computer issues!

He is playing his own candy crush game. He is creating his own R with his children. (he never calls or texts, and he did not get S12 ANYTHING for his birthday) The nature of his R with his children is not my problem, the point is, he is making his own R with his children.

I am not fixing, suggesting, helping, monitoring, or solving any day to day activities anymore.

Today of all days I need to take a few moments and bask in the relief that I am not responsible for these things and they are getting done without me.

Now, I just need to learn how to forget completely what I am not responsible for.

[Gmum]

You're doing great.

Now I think it's your turn to go buy yourself something adorable (with the money you didn't give your H). Maybe some sexy shoes you can dance in all night long on NYE.

[job]

Mona,
We are all fixers in one way or another and that's why doing the exact opposite of what we use to do feels off to you. Trust me, your h needs to grow up and learn how to be a responsible human being and learn what the consequences of his actions will be. He needs to learn accountability and how is he going to learn these things if you are there to fix things for him?

Here's what helped me to let go and not attempt to fix things for my former h. I reminded myself that I was fired from being a wife, lover and companion. Let me tell you...every time my xh would ask for something, I would remind myself that I was fired. It worked, but it took time to change my mind set.

Give yourself a break and know that doing 180's take time.

[job]

Mona,
Here's a Boundaries Cheat Sheet:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

[Di-mond]

Mona,

My H told me tonight that he has an acquaintance that is selling a musical instrument that he would like, but doesn't think he can afford.
I actually thought long and hard about buying it for him for Christmas.

Please hit me with a 2x4!!!!!!!

3 weeks ago I had less than a dollar left in my bank account. He left me when I was sick and unable to take care of myself. He never once offered to help me out. Yet I still feel the urge to take care of him. Just gotta shake my head. I know logically what I should do, but my heart tugs away at my logic.

I totally get what you are going through. If it didn't hurt so much it would be absurdly funny.

[Vanilla]

Mona

Google Al Turtle on boundaries, he writes for teenagers on some topics, you are looking for the paper with the fort.

we can chat about your appropriate boundaries, when you are ready.

V

[Vanilla]

My WH is compulsive, spending, gambling, smoking, OW.

I refused to give him cash, I am struggling with my Fins. Really struggling and short of cash. I could find the cash if I wanted but I am reversing my own sitch.

WH has become really unpleasant about it, so I am NC completely. I understand his ways are leading him to destruction. It is not my job to rescue him or to even begin to do so. He may find an OW who will. He told a friend he was going to be a gigglo. She said he already is V.

What will you do, keep paying for the rest of your life?


So what are you boundaries on money?

What will be the consequences of non compliance?

How will you enforce the boundaries and non compliance?

V

[Zephyr]

Mona

Google Al Turtle on boundaries, he writes for teenagers on some topics, you are looking for the paper with the fort.
V

V has mentioned a fantastic reference, nd he has a grest website...it is so filled with topics that we see here everyday including big ones like validating and boundaries...it is 'favorite' worthy to reference for looking for information whike wvaluating and working on yourself.

[Mona52]

I cannot believe the outpouring of support on my thread this morning. My head is spinning in circles. Not so much because of H. He is a small part of it, but I went to IC yesterday and she flipped my world. Having so much support on here this morning was like seeing a life preserver as the waves are crashing on me.

I am beginning to think my world will never be steady. It is so (there is no word strong enough) awesome to see I can hold on to the people here.

job! As always you pulled out just the piece of paper I needed to get started in the right direction! I see that boundaries book listed at the top of the page and my IC suggested that same book yesterday. I ordered it now .

V, I thrive on lots of articles and reading. That website is gold and I cannot believe I have never seen it before. I cant wait to get started!

----------------------------------------------------------------

Yesterday my IC put a name on a problem I never knew I had. I have been getting more and more upset when I hear a compliment lately. It feels like they are stabbing me when I hear a compliment. Because of my H, I was able to handle this before, but now that I am completely alone, complements are out of my ability now.

If someone called me a b!^&* or stupid or fat or ugly I would be able to process that and be fine. But if someone says words like amazing, pretty, good dancer, great chili, I cannot cope. I feel a lump in my throat and it feel like they punched me.

I feel like a complete fraud and liar. like at any second everyone will realize I lied about everything. I pull out my degree and see my name on it and I feel it was given to me by accident, and any second they will call and say it was a mistake, I am too stupid to have a degree. I feel like, at any minute my boss will come in and say that I should have never been hired, it was a huge mistake and I should leave.

I can see facts, like i quit smoking, but in my head my accomplishments are a lie, the facts are somehow wrong. I had no idea I even felt this way. It has been growing since my H left. My IC said it is called impostor syndrome.

I googled it yesterday and I just cant believe what I read. I cried and cried. The first article I read was on caltech's website. Caltech is such an elite school. Only the best of the best go there. Apparently some women are struggling there because they do not feel they are good enough to be there. Brilliant human beings, cannot see their own brilliance.

This syndrome created a sort of co-dependency on my H. She asked me how my H saw me. For the first time in her office, I could not speak because I was crying so hard. My H has always seen me as amazing. He said it all of the time. I believed him enough that I could function. That is gone from me now. Gone.

My IC told me I was not amazing because my H said I was amazing. She said he thought I was amazing because I am amazing.

So I have to figure out a way to deal with my co-dependency, boundaries and impostor syndrome.

The very easiest to begin is financial boundaries with my H. I did not give him any money. Yes, I was worried, but the worst I feared actually happened. He is no longer speaking to me. Ya know what? My life is exactly the same as it was a few days ago. It makes no difference if he is speaking to me.

So that proves that a firm boundary of never giving him money, not only is possible, but it really is not that difficult compared to everything else I have to deal with right now.

I am not going near my impostor syndrome yet. I read all they said on how to fix it and not one of the techniques have a prayer of working on me. For example, one technique is to look at proof of an accomplishment. Well I can look at my diploma and my degree all day, and I still feel like i absolutely do not deserve it.

So that brings me to co-dependency and boundaries. Right now, I do not feel co-dependency is a huge problem, especially since I am alone and I can depend on no one... SO I am stuck with boundaries! That is the first issue I will tackle.

And I logged in here today and there was a mountain of resources just waiting on my thread for boundaries!

From the bottom of my heart thank you job, Gmum (I AM going to buy something adorable!), V, Z, mut, PP, Di, Jelly, otw and everyone else who comes here. You have truly made a huge difference in my life today. I am no where near drowning anymore!