Black and white

[Zues126]

I'm not sure I can do this.

Monday I am meeting at the court for social evaluation. This is where I am there with my L, STBX and her L, and two court appointed social workers. The purpose of the meeting is to get a couple of recommended parenting time schedules from the courts and try to reach an agreement.

I am the 'petitioner' and am supposed to open with a 20 minute presentation. This is to cover how STBX and I met, what our relationship was like when it was good, where things broke down, what it was like when it fell apart, and then my relationship with the kids.

I lost it at my L's office. I did. I told her there is no way I am going to give a biography of my marriage in front of these people and STBX. My L told me that I had to, that it was my opportunity to show that I was able to say good things about STBX, and that if I couldn't it would reflect poorly on me. L was very strong on this point that I didn't have a choice and that for the sake of my children I needed to do this. I told her that I simply couldn't have this conversation.

L continued and said I had one shot to make an impression and to make sure I included certain things to impress the social workers with how I was an involved dad and the things I was doing with my children that demonstrated this. She suggested doing a few things like making sure I showed I knew the names of their teachers, and registered for a log in to the district online community so I could talk about following those events. I told L I DIDN'T know the names of their teachers and I'm not going to lie. Any condescending SAHM that thinks that makes me an uninvolved dad and rolls their eyes has no clue. I have been the sole income earner in my family for 10 years, and suddenly my work load has tripled with providing for TWO households, parenting the kids while they're with me, and taking care of all of the things STBX used to do. I told her I was up to my A-hole in alligators, meanwhile STBX hasn't lifted a finger or brought in a penny since she BD'd me 18 months ago, and all she has done has played 'mom of the year' and rubbed elbows with teachers and hung at community events and PTA meetings. I said if this was a contest of who could drop the most names we shouldn't even bother. I am an AWESOME dad, my kids love me and flourish when I'm with them, if that's not enough they can $*%& themselves.

Then L got heavy handed and said I had one shot to make this work and that if I didn't, it would be 4-9 months of further social evaluations at my place, making notes with how I handled my children. I told her that while I appreciated that she was trying to help me do what's best for my family I wasn't going to be threatened and bullied by her or these criminals in robes at the courts. I am who I am, my children need me. I will speak to that, I can say what I can say, but I'm not going to fight for my rights to parent. This entire system is inhuman and If some third parties want to keep my children away from me because I won't do their dance then they can go right ahead, and may God have mercy on their souls.

That's about where we ended.

Since then I planned to write out my presentation but I am absolutely stuck. I have ideas of what I want to say, but every time I start trying to visualize myself saying one thing I find myself launching into a version of my true feelings which is that everyone in that room should burn in hell.

I guess I won't write it tonight.

I expect I'll find a way through. I'm sure I'll calm. I'm sure I'll come up with a compelling and mature and inspiring presentation. For Christ's sake I'm a talented writer and professional salesman. But all I can see is the pain this has caused and continues to cause my children and their endorsement of every step of it. I guess I get to watch my children get tortured in front of me but stay respectful to the people doing it or they'll stick in more swords. Good for them.

Yes, this is probably a very emotional and immature and unsophisticated way of looking at it, I'm sure these workers and this system has some good intent on caring for the innocent children caught between separations. I'm probably like a four year old throwing a fit. Probably validates all the reasons STBX left. That's fine. I am emotional and immature and unsophisticated. I don't want anyone's approval and will gladly keep to myself. I'll wave to my kids whenever the courts agree it's safe to be around a lunatic like me, the rest of the time I'll work like a mule to care for them and solve chess problems until I get a bullet in the head like the guy in 1984. White to play. Always white to play...