WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

As was said previously, nobody here is judging you. I think you know that already. This feels like trolling to get a response. But I'll bite anyway.

I do feel like GB was judging me. It really hurt when GB extended warm support and then as soon as I revealed that I'm not exclusive to Christianity, that I'm into astrology and the pathwork, GB withdrew that warm support and basically abandoned me. It really did hurt and took me a couple days to overcome. I make myself very vulnerable by bearing it all on these forums at the most vulnerable point in my life. I need reassurance that there are good people here who won't judge me even if my beliefs are different. I don't know if that counts as trolling, but yeah, I'm sensitive right now. So thank you again Azzork for sticking with me.

Not much has really changed with my sitch. The pain isn't really any less. I have been doing OK with not pursuing my W but I haven't withdrawn completely.
what do you mean 'withdrawn'? Is anybody advising you to pull back? My understanding is that your goal is just to stop moving; not move away...

By 'I haven't withdrawn completely' I mean that emotionally I still feel very attached to my W, inappropriately so given the reality of my sitch. I still pursue her a bit more than I think I should, and I find it hard to stay focused on myself and not her. I elaborated on this in my previous post.

We have continued with both IC and MC. My W is still really scared about losing the M and wants to work on it, but just doesn't know if she'll ever desire me.
So, how do you feel about this? She doesnt want to lose the MARRIAGE, but doesnt desire YOU. It doesnt have to all happen right now, but think about this for a bit.

Thinking about the fact that she doesn't desire me leads me to a dark place where I just want to close my heart, give up, get a D. At some unconscious level I feel very attached to her still, and the though of her not wanting me sends me into an emotional tailspin. My mind can see things objectively, but that doesn't seem to help my emotions. I'm not sure if that makes sense... honestly I'm pretty confused myself. I flip between feeling hopeful and holding myself together and then crashing and wanting to give up. Back and forth every day or two. I suspect that the deep emotional wound from feelings of abandonment during my birth experience have something to do with why this is so difficult for me. From the advice I'm getting from other DBers, it seems like I have a much harder time than some people do with the first steps of emotional processing to come into reality and step out of the denial stage.

It is excruciating being stuck in this place where I'm holding onto hope while keeping my heart open, yet I feel constant pain of rejection from her not desiring me the way I desire her.
What rejection are you going through right now? I sure hope you arent trying to sleep with her at the moment...

All of my feelings of sexual attraction to her are still there and are stronger than ever. I do not act on them, but the desire gap is very evident, so I feel rejected even though I am not acting on my desire. I think this might be lessening slowly, though, as I adjust to the new reality of my M in limbo.

I understand this might take awhile. I find it very hard to detach and not be in pain all day, and it interferes with my ability to work and to do other GAL activities.
OK, so your goal is to be attractive to her, right? How is this kind of behavior going to attract ANYONE?

Exactly, I agree and this makes me feel even more hopeless. Occasionally, after a really good cry and praying out of compassion for myself, I feel like a sense of grace comes over me and I am able to come back to myself and feel strong and like doing GAL stuff. In that state, my W seems more attracted to me. That only lasts for a short while, however, and it is very elusive. Not something I can easily summon on demand. I'd love it I could find a way to stay there, but most of the time I am stuck flipping between attachment and withdrawal.

Giving up and getting a D looks attractive in my low moments where I feel like I just can't deal with this limbo.
What, exactly, would getting divorced solve? Will you stop feeling any of this pain just by being 'divorced'?

I do feel like it would be easier if I could just get on with the process of getting over her. If we didn't live in the same house anymore I wouldn't have to see her all the time and it would be easier to move on and pick up the pieces of my heart. Living in this limbo is like having it broken again, day after day. As long as I keep my heart open to her the pain of abandonment and rejection is constant. Is there some way to protect myself from that pain without closing my heart to her? If so I am missing it. Again, I wonder if it must have to do with my wound and my mothering/attachment issue.

It feels so futile to go through all of this pain of waiting and trying to keep my heart open when she may never desire me in the end, even if we do work on ourselves and change for the better.
Wait, what? Read that again. You said:
I can change for the better, but it isnt worth it if I dont get my W back.
If thats truly your attitude, then theres nothing any of us can really say to help you. You need to be the better, more attractive JGuy to even have a chance. To say that the work you put in isnt worth it unless SHE changes HER mind is ridiculous. You have ZERO control over that.

You're right. I'm having a really hard time with this. I am still really attached to her and I have a hard time putting myself first and letting go and accepting that I have no control over her. I can see how unrealistic it is, yet my emotions won't budge. I can see that I need to grow up in some way that I never did, but I'm not sure how. I do feel like as I spend more time getting into these feelings and observing them, really taking a hard look at myself, I am slowly getting a clearer picture of what is going on inside of me. So far, however, I haven't been able to figure out what to do about it to actually heal my wound and grow up. Perhaps I am on the right track and this just takes awhile. I am scared that it will be too late to save my M, if indeed this is why my W is not attracted to me. What a terrible bind!

So here's the thing: When my inner child is screaming and insists that he wants my W and nothing else will do, how do I redirect that need into a more healthy channel? Ignoring my inner child doesn't work. I can't kill my inner child... and I can't snap my fingers to make him grow up. I am reading many books that suggest I never received the nurturing that I needed from my mother, and so I never progressed to develop a healthy self-nurturing instinct, and never went through the natural process of detachment from my mother during adolescence. Instead, I grew up with my inner child unconsciously attaching to my SO's. This is extremely difficult for me now as it's all buried in my unconscious... I feel so incapable, and yet I fear that saving my M depends on it. God help me!!