WW is onboard with trying to save the M

[JGuy]

Previous thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2623444&page=1

My DB journey continues. Summary of current sitch is that my W has ended the most recent EA, has had no contact with the OM for several weeks. She has committed to honesty after having previously hidden a PA that happened 2 years ago and also hiding her doubts about me since even before we were married.

We are both doing IC and MC and it seems to be helping, slowly. My W still says that she doesn't desire me, and isn't sure if she ever did. The good news is that she does love me and wants to try everything to save the M and bring her desire back. She has been working on herself with the help of IC and I am already noticing a difference. She has been more interested in spending time together and is more willing to compromise and work through issues and conflicts than she was before.

I have also been working on myself and have uncovered some very deep personal issues to do with my difficult childbirth that have caused me to fear abandonment and to be excessively attached to SO's throughout my life. I feel like I am only scratching the surface so far and I'm finding it very difficult and confusing to navigate these deep feelings, even with the help of IC. This is making it very hard for me to detach from my W and I get overwhelmed by a visceral fear of being alone and abandoned without my W, even though she has treated me so badly in many ways. I can see that my wound is preventing me from becoming strong and independent and setting boundaries. It is making it hard to focus on myself and on GAL. Although my mind has accepted the reality of my sitch, I feel like the emotional part of me is still in denial and just wants to stay attached to my W at all costs. I have thus far been unsuccessful in taming that part of myself, moving through the pain to acceptance and letting go. It feels much like asking an infant to let go of its mother... impossible. Due to this very difficult wound that I'm dealing with, I find myself crashing once every few days in emotional despair and just wanting to give up due to the agony. I keep on picking myself and forcing myself to carry on, not necessarily out of choice but because I honestly don't know what else I can do.

I am trying to follow Sandi's rules and not pursue my W. I have not completely avoided talking to my W about the M and our future, since my W seems to want to talk about it too and some of our conversations seem to result in us becoming closer, and more clear about what we need to work on individually. My W has said that she misses me and the familiarity of our love and our affection. So, we have an agreement that when we are both comfortable, we cuddle and share non-sexual affection in the mornings. We are in separate bedrooms so this takes the form of one of us going to the other's room. When this happens, the desire gap is very evident to me and it has been hard for me feeling rejected when I sense the desire gap. I do not act on these feelings, but I feel rejected nonetheless. I am slowly finding that easier to deal with and get used to.

At this stage, I feel inclined try pulling back a bit further and pursue her even less, not initiate talking about the M but only let her initiate those talks. Also, not getting too excited when she shows a small sign of wanting to be closer, and making sure that I am the one to end our moments of connecting before she does. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd like to follow Sandi's rules more rigorously. I think the see-saw effect definitely applies to my sitch and although I'm better than I was three weeks ago, I am still the one who is pursuing more than she does.

That's all for now. As always, I'm interested in hearing suggestions as well as just getting some good old empathy from people who can relate to how hard this is!