She's thinking of leaving again2

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, sorry to be late to the party! I think your reply was fine. Best to always aim for brief, pleasant, firm I think. Again, this all comes back to the fundamental question - you decided to leave our M for an OP and I am trying to rebuild my life. Why would I want to have dinner with you?

I'm not saying you should say any of this - merely that it's what your non-acceptance conveys. Or it conveys that you are just busy that day with other commitments - of course they will remain mysterious. If you W does ask you what you're doing, I always think it is good to give some partial information - Oh, I'm going to Nashville that day. This leaves an image in the mind and lots of unanswered questions - who with, to do what? etc. Better than just saying 'I already have plans.'

I think you are doing well so early in the process. Many posters are so consumed by fear at this stage, they will accept invites just to have the reassurance of time with their W - but I don't believe that is the best way.

Take care xx

[Scrant]

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone. This forum is a wonderful place to unburden yourself. Sotto you've really boosted my confidence these days. I'm going to text her now then switch off the phone and relax for a while. I'll see what tomorrow brings. I doubt she'll ever come back but I can't lead my life dancing to her tune.

[Sotto]

Good for you. With the phone, I've found it helpful to give myself some 'time off.' H tends to contact me by email, and I check my emails pretty much every day on ipad, but I took the email account he uses off my phone. So, if I'm out and about I won't 'receive' an email from him. I'll only get it 'on my terms' when I choose to check my emails.

He doesn't contact me much anyway, but I have found it quite freeing to do that. Gives me a little more control - unbeknown to anyone else of course!

So, with the holidays approaching, are you reaching out to people and extending/accepting invites? This is a good time to do that and make sure you have things planned in the calendar for the festive period. Last year I felt I just had to 'get through' Xmas, but this year is rather better. It would be great to have a plan for NYD when you have that invite from your W - drop S off (looking nice & smelling good - tho not OTT - but defo a guy who has somewhere to be )

Take care x

[Scrant]

Hi.
S and I going back home for a week to see parents for the first time since the split. We'll be back just before New Year. They want to shower us with affectiOn which will be nice. On the 31st there is a traditional run in the evening which S and I will sign up for ( although he will be going with friends, not with his old dad!) and then I don't know. In-laws have proposed something but I keep hearing that W wants to come to. I don't understand! What about OM? If she intends to go a friend has invited me over to her family saying she'd be happy to be Plan B, which is sweet. I texted W late last night saying no thanks for NYD birthday meal then deleted the chat. I imagine she has seen it but she hasn't replied. Almost makes me doubt she has seen it I emailed her this morning about finances and she made no reference to my reply, we texted purely financial details. Game playing or technical glitch? I'm not going to text again until S returns. I can always remind her to invite him then.
After NYD I don't know if to suggest taking him for a couple of days to W's parents as he has already told me he won't go with W. His grandparents want to see him and me, although it won't be a comfortable experience. I won't make him. What he really wants to do is stay at home and hang out with friends. Normal for 15 yr old.

[Scrant]

Is it normal she didn't reply? I'm still so new at this! Fighting the urge to ask if she has read it, what does she think? I know I should just keep quiet but I'm not usted to the silent response. First time since the split that I have said simply no. Maybe she is still thinking about it? Wish I hadn't deleted text immediately then I'd know for sure she had read it. Just I like to gat her off my phone list asap. I suppose I'm just overthinking.

[Sotto]

Scrant, don't overthink that one. You've given your answer and that's the end of that one. Please don't expect any response and do nothing further - definitely don't ask if she read it. If a friend invited you to something and you declined, would you check they had read it?

Nearer the time, you could also remind your S of the invite and that he needs to confirm things with his Mum.

You're doing well - just watch out for those overthinking moments!!

[Mona52]

Hi Scrant,

Sotto is right. Stop yourself right where you are. Your mind is going down a tunnel is completely non-productive. She saw your message. I know how hard it is not to get a reply. I know checking the phone every 5 minutes is the most important thing. But all you will do is build up a little more fear and anger each time you look.

It would be the greatest if we only knew what they were really thinking. You dont get to know what they are thinking. You can try and wiggle around this all you want, but their thoughts are closed off from us now and guessing never, ever is a good idea.

You are left with 2 options. 1, contact your W, which has a 100% chance of making things worse or 2, move on and focus on you.

We all know how impossible that is. Post as often as you need to so that you do not contact her.

You can do this.

[Scrant]

Thanks everyone. Don't worry I'll hold my nerve. I'm sitting at home after work and just enjoying some me time. I realize that there is no point thinking what she is doing tonight or any day. Tomorrow I'm going to help out her Aunt clear out an old apartment and just spend the weekend on me before S gets back. Thanks for strengthening my resolve. It is some tempting to fall into the old routines and be the fantastic best friend. I have to keep reminding myself that I was her greatest friend before and it got me here!

[Scrant]

W rang today Didn't answer as was busy. She texted to ask what time S was arriving back tomorrow and could we go together in the same car to collect. I texted that he was back 11.30 at night and don't worry I'd get him. She said for her she wanted to go too. I said she should text him to see if he wanted her there. If she wants to go to the station that's up to her and him. I'm not going in the same car with her. There will be all his friend's parents there and she wants to give the impression of happy family to all the other mothers, some of whom don't know what has happened. Then she'll have an excuse to come back to the house to change cars, stay to chat etc. I'm not going to be manipulated again like I was over the car swap. Managed to spend a quiet afternoon making soup for S without thinking about her. One day at a time.

[dday]

Scrant, good job man. You have to hold your ground and stuck to your boundaries. Riding together, I am sure, would be painful. If she wants to work on things, then a car ride is great.

Take care of yourself and enjoy your reunion with you son!

Best wishes