Read the link on Boundaries that Cadet sent to you as homework.
Here is how I see boundaries. Look up the definition of boundary. Just as with yard or property boundaries, it is set up for protection. It keeps out bad things. It distinguishes what is yours, and nobody can step on it unless you allow it. Personal boundaries are set up to protect you, also. Protect your dignity and respect. You want to be respected, honored and valued as a person, a man, a father, and a husband. If a person disrespects you, then you are the one to act. You can't force the other person to do anything, just yourself. You cannot control another person. The action is left to you to do.
Example: "Wife, I feel very disrespected as your husband, when you contact the OM, especially from inside of our home. If you contact him while inside our home, then I will ____________".
You do not state a boundary to open the door for discussion. It is non-negotiable.
Let me caution you, that some men jump right to the "I will not live in an open marriage" boundary. Well, she is going to test whatever you say. So be very sure you can back up what you say you will do. I suggest you start with something a little smaller, until you at least get the hang of it.
Back to the example above. What could you do that shows you will not be disrespected in your own home by your W contacting OM? Sure, you can always tell her you'll D her, or leave. But think it through carefully, before going for the jugular. Perhaps you could do something else that got the message across loud & clear. Any ideas?
In the meantime, what is your plan? Are you willing to stay in the M until you know what she's going to do about the OM/affair? Is an affair a deal breaker for you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
