Now what?

[tfish08]

I am 1367 miles from home. Mine came to my house on wed and stayed until Friday. ummm buddy you have your own home? He called yesterday and asked to take the kids to his mom's for Christmas. I was polite but gave him a flat no. He chose this I will not spend my first Christmas here alone.

I was a SAHM for 6yrs also and I do think they resent us for it, I went back to my old job and love it but I have to say after 6yrs I was terrified lol

[melweb]

Here is what I have decided:

1) I am going to get a job regardless of what it could do to future spousal support. It is for ME, and I need to get out of these 4 walls! (I have an interview at the Y tomorrow.)
2) I AM a person only a fool would leave!

Yesterday, when he got home from biz trip, I mentioned we should tell S15, as I believe he already knows. Why? Because he said "dad is leaving us."
Then I get a text asking if I am still thinking of going back to NY with S15, -- he is very fearful of this and has asked me 4 times. I did not answer. Followed by a text that says "What if time apart is all we need?" I did not answer.
I am not making life altering decisions via text.
When I got home, I told him I was going to see what S15 wanted to do, but since he officially does not know, then neither do I. We should tell him. H says its too soon

I am trying to validate, as I believe this is what we need to work on the most. Plus, it is a 180 for me., as I would usually go " yeah, well I'm tired too!!"
How do I answer these questions :
Do these pants look good on me?
Is this sweatshirt too tight?
Can you tell that I have lost weight?
( Ummmmmm... Right now you look like a big fat jack***, who is leaving me and the kids, so no, I can't tell if you've lost weight)

I used to think his LL was Acts of Service, but now I'm thinking its Words.

[melweb]

Ok, I think my interview went pretty well yesterday. I will know by the end of the week. Fingers crossed.

H didn't know of said interview, so he asked if I was joining the Y. I told him I had an interview, and he said he was proud of me. Goody two shoes for you. I am MORE proud of myself!!

We rode around town looking for a Christmas tree. Rather awkward, but not awful. I let him lead the conversations, but even as we were kidless, he made no mention of leaving after the holidays, or any "us" conversation at all.

Back at home, he put the football game on the tv, and had some wine, while I started dinner. He called me "hon" twice. I am going to assume that was the wine talking.

Later today, we will need to resume our Christmas tree search.
We will probably be alone together again. I am ok! I AM a person only a fool would leave.

[melweb]

Pretty sure H has lost whats left of his marbles.

He went and got a full body wax today. OMG!

He has not said a word about it, but I found out as I was taking out the recycles and saw the printed out appointment sheet. And while he has kept himself jnder wraps, did he not think I might notice that. (Tho yesterday, he needed a towel and wouldn't come into my bedroom cuz he was naked. Dude!! I have seen you naked like everyday for the past 21 years)

In the good news dept, there have been no marriage convos in its current state, or future prognosis. At least to me that's good news. It may or may not be getting any better, but its not getting worse.

[melweb]

Feeling rather dejected at the moment.

H came home from work rather late. Like he walks in the door every night at that time and it was no big deal. I said "geez, I was starting to worry."---I was nonchalant, and casual. He laughed and said" you were worried about me? Is that something you're always going to do?"

We had a pretty good weekend, like I said, so I am pretty sure I am on the right track. Or tightrope, I should say. I am walking a very fine line of not pursueing, but feeling like he really wants/needs attention and validation. If he wants out of this marriage, why not just leave? Why not just ignore me completely? Why be nice to me one day and then go "oh--I'm suppose to be leaving her"?

And sadly, I thought I was in an ok place today.

[melweb]

One month post BD.

I thought the GAL was going to be the hardest part as I am new here and have no friends or family, or a life to even get, and the job prospects have not panned out yet. I am going to church and that has helped me get out of the house.
However, the detaching part has been a huge challenge as well. I am, by nature, a rather emotional person, and I tend to take things personally. A look, a tone, his bad moods, etc makes me rather upset.This was the working on me part, and to not let so much bother me and get under my skin. It is--I am-- a work in progress.

Plus it is really hard to detach when he still lives here.

I do believe on I am the right track though. He is sending some mixed messages: one minute he is trying to be cold and distant (see--this would normally bother me) and the next he is seeking me out to talk to me about something trivial.

I really don't feel like he wants to leave, but feel like he is crying out for help/attention. Nights when he could easily just go to his room to watch tv, he sits on the couch. He could easily pass by my closed bedroom door without a word, but pokes his head to ask or say something. Again, I am trying not to read too much into this, as he did text me last to to say "I'm still leaving at this point"--I said "Ok"

I am pretty sure he is MLCing. Correct me if anyone thinks I am way off here. He really seems to want validation in how he looks, what he's wearing, etc. And today as he left for biz trip, he leaned in for me to kiss on the cheek. I did and said "have a good trip."

[melweb]

Not having a good morning. Only 3 hours of sleep will do that to a person. My brain is on active overdrive. It. Will. Not. Shut. Off.

No word on job yet. That is making me nervous. This is my number one GAL getting activity. If it fails, I have no Plan B.

"After the holidays" is fast approaching. Though I am not really sure where Einstein thinks he's going. Or more to the point, how. We have no money for him to get an apartment, then all the stuff to go in it.

[melweb]

Does anyone know of a good OTC sleep aid? I am at my two max of Unisom, and it wasn't really working anyhow

[sandi2]

Dramamine. It is usually stocked alongside the sleeping pills. Although it's for motion sickness, it makes you very sleepy. Works much better for me than those OTC sleep aids. Plus, it works on upset tummies, too.

[melweb]

Thanks sandi. If I don't get some sleep, I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

Oh wait--that may have already happened!