Onwards and upwards.

[Mozza]

Barry! I'm glad you're back. I always want to hear what's up with you, even though you're going through rough times. I hope you find here people and sayings that will help you.

I hope you'll start a new thread real soon because I'd like to continue interacting with you. In the meantime, I'll share with you an epiphany that I had this week. It's no different from things that are often mention around here, perhaps just a new angle for me.

I'm dating, as you know, and these days I'm not hearing much from a woman I like maybe a bit more than the previous ones. I've realized that my reaction is a (very) light version of what I had when WW walked out on me. You know what that means?

The monster is in me.

I cling to the idea that WW put me in this awful position, did this to me, made me miserable by leaving and the way she did it. But now I realize that I have similar reactions with other women. It's not them who are doing it to me, it's me who is reacting a certain way to a romantic disappointment.

In a similar line of thinking, I've had friends who D'ed around me and none of them have had such a strong reaction as me. One of them met a new woman two months later and is still with her, and happy, some 8 years later. Another one didn't protest much even though he didn't want to D. This always struck me as odd, but also made me realize that the misery I was in was my reaction to the situation.

Yet another angle on this: My IC observed that my marriage was a "problem solved" for me, i.e. that since I had found a good mate, I didn't have to confront my fears of having to find someone. It made me realize that for some guys, D would be good news. They'd be free to date, sleep around, meet up with friends, arrange the house to their liking, etc. I know it's not good news for you and me, but we gotta realize that this is also our take on it. That there is another way.

So I'm saying that this monster that's making you miserable is in you. It is not your WAW.

And cut the cr@p on "no one will ever love me". You know who else isn't ready to share its intimacy and life with you? Kate Middleton, Emma Watson, Ryan Gosling and nearly 7 billion people more. Same for all of us. Just because a couple of people you know do not want to be with you doesn't mean you can't be loved. Dating is about matching, matching is just finding things that fit together. Rejection is being told you're not a match. You need to know it early and move on to find a true match. So keep wandering in the world, meeting people and testing mutual attraction. Some will want you for one night, and a tiny minority will want you for a long, long time.

Your wallowing about "I never did anything to hurt my XW, all I ever did do was love her and want us to be together" makes me think that you were in extreme emotional distress when you wrote your update. I'm very sorry about that and I relate to your pain. But we both know that's not true. We've been over this and you've confessed of your shortcomings in your M. Everyone has had failings in their M. No need to beat yourself up again, but this victimization is making you miserable. Only you.

Come on, open that new thread and please find another positive title for it because it will follow you for months!