Mindfulness, practice mindfulness. You will put your head in the right place. Then all other thoughts/actions will follow. I remember a thread where the person restored his marriage once he got depression out of his system. Breathe in Breathe out
Me: 43, W: 43 M: 16, T: 18 D - 7, D - 7 ILUB: 26 August 2014 Still living together
Az gave good thoughts to you. I would follow them. They work.
I too had obsessive thoughts about my W and her OM. Three things help get through it: time; talking to a confidential friend, family member, or counselor...especially when I needed to talk or vent and knew I couldn't do it with her; and learning how to think about something else...you will have to force yourself at first and it will be difficult, but will get easier as time goes on.
If you do give in to thinking about H and OW, don't be too hard on yourself. Let the hurt and anger reveal to you how messed up H is right now and ask yourself why you need someone who treats you that way right now? It's understandable to have a deep attachment to someone you've been with that long but you don't want to let your pain and hurt be a reason to do things that don't help or work. Perhaps you could let that motivate you to focus on yourself and GAL, detach from him, right now so that your life is better.
Release him to the path he's chosen and release yourself from emotionally depending on him right now.
How many marriages that have EA/PA's actually succeed at reconciliation? Been married 25 years and by all accounts a very good marriage. W has had some emotional baggage she has always carried with her and the AP has even more issues. How long do these A's last and when does the WS finally come to a realization it's not what they thought? Mine has been in one for 10/11 months and there doesn't seem to be any daylight.
Are there any consequences that are visible to the WS while they are in affair? And when separated what consequences can they have. Seems she can pretty much live her life the way she wants at this time. She has some income and but enough in savings she has tapped into so funds are not a problem for her but they are for him. He's on his 8th eviction from the same apt.complex since last 2013 til now last month. Works 6 months on then off all winter. Any help would be appreciated...
How many marriages that have EA/PA's actually succeed at reconciliation?
Don't know. There have been several that have left the board and been gone a long time. There are at least three of us here on the board, that's been in that type of sitch. There's Starskey, Mr. Bond, and myself. Those are just three off the top of my head. We have stuck around for years, to pay it forward. Most people leave the board after reconciliation.
So, what does it have to do with your marriage? I can tell you it's not easy or quick. Starskey's M was on & off for quite some time. It took Mr. Bond's M about 4 years before R. Me? Gee, I'll have to go back and look at my old threads, but it sure wasn't overnight, I can tell ya that much.
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How long do these A's last and when does the WS finally come to a realization it's not what they thought?
Every A is not the same amount of time. Yes, the WS finally comes to realization it's not what they thought. Realistically, some AP's do get M. And, some WW's end their A but never R with the H. However, there are some WW's, like me, that slowly come to their senses.
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Are there any consequences that are visible to the WS while they are in affair?
When the affair is at it's peak, I think she has blinders on, for the most part. In other words, she'll blame someone or something else, instead of the consequences being the result of her decision to have an affair. Again, there are variations with people and their sitch.
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And when separated what consequences can they have.
What do you mean "can they have"? Are you asking what can you do that would be a consequence?
I feel these "in-house" separations don't work, and there are hardly any consequences for the WW who is still getting all the benefits of being the LBH'S wife. He has to be careful about wanting to administer consequences. Most of what he tries to do will appear as punishment, in her viewpoint.
He can separate his accounts, take his name off any CC, and things of that sort. He can protect his retirement, property, etc., where she can't profit while with OM (if that's even possible, IDK). He can drop everything he is supporting financially for her. Especially the big things like car, rent, groceries, clothes, etc. I see that as consequences due to her decision to leave the M, but I don't know that she would. She may just blow up at you. I usually advise H's to stop financing WW and protect themselves from the her. The best teacher of consequences is "life" itself. You are very limited at what you can do.
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Seems she can pretty much live her life the way she wants at this time. She has some income and but enough in savings she has tapped into so funds are not a problem for her but they are for him. He's on his 8th eviction from the same apt.complex since last 2013 til now last month. Works 6 months on then off all winter.
I don't suppose it will do any good to tell you to stop watching them and what they do. Guess what? You are the one suffering and trying to think of a way to get back at them. It's no skin off their backs. You can become so bitter it turns you into a man nobody wants to be around. I hope you'll think more of yourself than to allow it to do that to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I am focusing on myself more everyday. I just had these thoughts so I thought I needed to ask. We also have a daughter graduating from college this next weekend and of course Xmas. I know nothing will turn around before then, but it has been 11 months. I don't see W or text her anymore at this point. Only time I see her is when she comes to see daughter at house. Then I try to avoid her. Mainly for myself. It feels better not to have contact with her and it does help with obsessing about her so much. I have separated the bank acct., Took my name off CC. Other then insurances I really don't pay for anything for her. I thinking I am going to ask her to pay the insurances though. I guess that if she doesn't want to be in marriage she would have to pay these anyways. I do think more of myself then this and I really am trying to grasp whether I really want to forge ahead after the first of the year. Sandi my wife stated she is afraid to get divorced to our daughter. Does this mean anything to you? Does she seem to think I am going to be waiting around for her while she has her own fun and we suffer? Or is this a normal type statement?
Sandi my wife stated she is afraid to get divorced to our daughter. Does this mean anything to you? Does she seem to think I am going to be waiting around for her while she has her own fun and we suffer? Or is this a normal type statement?
Here on the board, WW's are notorious for holding out on filing for a D. I think the main reason is her H is her backup plan. Your W may already see that she will not have it as good, financially, if she D's you. She may already see that OM isn't going to work hard and provide the way you have. I do believe some WW's actually think their H's are going to wait around for them. It's crazy.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I don't want a D, but I know I will come to a cross road at some point. Have you ever heard of this waking up a WW with the reality what will happen? I have spoken to my attorney about other things and he has mentioned he has done several divorces over the past couple years and then the couple reconnects and have remarried months later. Crazy. Not the way I want it to happen. Just frustrated and I know that there is no magic bullet.
