Late to the game

[Free]

You nailed it.
I haven't been the easiest to live with and I've learned a lot from what she has now told me. I have made MAJOR changes in attitude, lifestyle and appearance.
She has told me that she sees a difference in my attitude, especially around the kids. Once, she even acknowledged the weight loss (65 lbs since BD), but she cringes if anyone else compliments me on it.
Its been about 6 weeks since our last discussion. At that time, she said that she was still unsure and, for her, staying would be the easy way out. I told her that I understood and didn't push for anything. She already knows that I do not want to divorce. The last few discussions we had started with "I want a divorce" and ended with "I don't know what I want".
Needless to say, I continue to learn and improve while avoiding heavy discussions like the plague.
The comment about watching comedies rings true. Early on in this, I sat down to watch tv while she was flipping through the channels. She stopped on some show where a married couple was arguing about their future together.
Awkward moment. We looked at each other and she changed the channel with a little bit of a grin.
We have had a few moments of normalcy, surrounded by many moments of silence and numbness.
That had become the new normal until I started to detach.

[Free]

I need some advice please.
In trying to be the best me, do I do things like complement her? Make dinner? Laundry?
These would be a 180 for me, but I do not want to pursue. Just trying to be a step higher than civil.

[Uphill]

All of those things seem ok, in moderation and with no expectations. If you cook dinner, make what you want when you want. Dont plan it around her.
Compliments, keep them simple and as walking away. You don't want to stand there like a deer in the headlights. That pressures her to say thank you or respond in another way.

[2ltl2lt]

I occasionally compliment my W nothing over the top. You know, you look nice today, did you change mascara, nice tush.... Well maybe not the last one but you get the idea. As far as household chores I do mine and the kids and that's it. I like to cook anyway so I usually make more than the kids and I can eat so if she wants to have some, no big deal, if not, no big deal. Don't do it for her reaction. I'm no expert here but have read enough of this to know that if you suddenly start being her indentured servant she will not appreciate the real lasting changes you are making. I would like to hear other opinions from the vets here on this topic.

[MrBond]

"In trying to be the best me, do I do things like complement her? Make dinner? Laundry?
These would be a 180 for me, but I do not want to pursue. Just trying to be a step higher than civil."

In all your posts, you keep saying these things are 180s for you. How EXACTLY did you used to act and treat her before? If you overdo these things now, she's going to react very badly.

BUT if you do them in very unnoticeable ways to slowly earn back her trust, they will seem like habit and natural.

[Free]

Before BD, I worked 10-14 hr days. I rarely cooked or did laundry. I did all gardening, landscaping and house renovations.
Most compliments went like this, "you look pretty!". Her usual response was "I don't feel pretty". Responses like that do not really prompt more compliments.
One of her complaints was that I worked too much, so I cut back to an 8 hr day.
In doing that, I have more time to cook, clean and spend quality time with the kids. Most of all, I'm not the grumpy tired guy I was before.
This was a complaint for years that I would fix short term and then wind up with long hours again. Completely my fault. I know now that I took some of her complaints for granted.
I'm not here because I was a great husband. I'm here because I want to be.

[sandi2]

Just to clarify, you don't have to 180 your entire life. And, don't go into super H mode, trying to do all the housework, laundry, cooking, etc. It does not have the affect on a WW, the way you might think. Does she do 50% of the outside work? Just keep things balanced and don't over kill.

[Free]

Thanks Sandi.
Early on, I was in super H mode. Pretty much did everything I'm not supposed to do. Now, the changes are for me.
I think I detached and GAL'd too much, to the point of ignoring her. There is a lot written here about keeping it "neighborly". That's what I'm doing now. Pleasant and cordial.
The hardest part of this for me is to have no expectations.
And even though it's been a while now since BD, the suddenness of it still hurts.

[vise82]

Hey Free,

Thanks for asking about my sitch. You can learn a lot from other threads To answer your questions:

Status now is we are separated with out a separation agreement. We both live in the same house with two small kids. W needs the house to sell to be able to move on but has agreed to let me get myself financially ready before the house sells.

This has given me more time to DB. And to show that I am a H she would be crazy to leave.

Hope things are going better for you?

[MrBond]

What were some of the things that she COMPLIMENTED you on?