OTW ... I caught up a bit on your sitch, just thought I would share my perspective on a couple issues.
One of the hardest things for me in all this was the OM/A. Looking at it from a detached place, it was not so much my W was with someone else ..... it was that gut punch that someone beat me, that she preferred to be with OM vs me. Now all that mirror work there were things I could quickly admit that Cali 1.0 was not perfect and in a sense that old house needed some fixin, that said I came to grips that OM was/is a POS and while he was no where near the man I was, at that time .... I was broken and had to rebuild myself.
Detachment is very difficult, was for me anyways, and even now I know I could have done better there. When I got to a place that I will say was more Indifference than detachment, I took a very large step in my progress. I went ahead and had a long mirror talk with myself and came to this conclusion. I will always love my wife in some capacity .... regardless if we are M or D ... regardless if we sleep in the same bed or in 2 different houses ... I will love her as she is the mother of my son whom is the greatest gift I could have ever received. Allowing myself that, opened my heart from being bitter and angry with the sitch ... accepting HER choice and I started moving forward with MY life. I have a calendar ... I used to track things .. bright red letters when I arrived at this place I wrote "Dropped the Rope" and I did not look back. I refused to allow my W to define me as a man ..... amazing when that happened I began to find myself again and rebuild all that was torn down, not what she tore down, what I allowed her to tear down.
As far as the kids go. Brutal honesty from me here. Be careful, I get the vibe you are using them ... certain areas where you tell them they need to be heard by their mother, comes off as you want them to talk sense into mommy (delivering your message in their words) and not tear the family apart. Tread carefully here, I grew extremely close to my S, and there were times I wanted to send him mini-torpedos to deliver behind the enemy walls on my behalf ... that's manipulation (out of our own fear) to achieve OUR objectives. Truth is ... she is the mother of your children, she will ALWAYS hold that role, being a Father or Mother is not something one can divorce themselves from. Sending them in to speak their minds to her is really out of your control, the R between your W and your kids is your W's issue to deal with not yours .... like you I have a great R with my S, with all that happened he felt safe with me, I remained his 'home' ..... even then W accused me of turning him against her to which I validated but fired off a serious truth dart her way (She repeatedly exposed S to OM and S caught them kissing) and have not been accused of that since.
My advice ... take the high road, if you want counseling for the kids it might not be a bad way to go, discuss this with your W so its a mutual thing and IF anything comes out of those sessions that's not on you .. its unbiased and unlikely you would be able to sway a counselor to side with you ... its about the kids here right?
