I don't have the outline worked out in my head yet so this is a work in progress. I tell this from my perspective of what worked for me and my view of what "love" is. I was the LBS, I am a man and I was not dealing with a A on either side. So here goes.
Two goals of DB. First work on yourself to become stronger, wiser, and love yourself. You can't become attractive to your WAS until you have yourself squared away - emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. You can't give out what you don't have. This idea leads to the "love is the opposite of fear" concept.
When the LBS spouse initally gets here we are now post-bomb. Lot's of emotions - anger, guilt, confusion, frustration, and fear. Very valid and normal reactions to the situation. We also tend to pursue right after the bomb (bargaining.) Then maybe some helplessness and hopelessness (depression.) Once we accept the situation for what it is can we start working on ourselves and our M. Add the denial in pre-bomb and you got the five stages of grief. (Denial, bargaining, anger depression, and acceptance.) All negative emotions on this side of the ledger - fear being the "King Snake." ("snakes on a brain" is my phrase for your deepest fears.) Fear blinds, cripples and weakens us from being our best. Fear is a coping tool to keep us from getting hurt, in DB world it's our heart that we think we are protecting. Yet by protecting it we are keeping it from healing, growing and giving. So the goal of DB is to cope by: 180 behaviour - replace unproductive with healthy and productive GAL - stay busy, keep your brain and hands productive (quiets the snakes for a while) act as if - pretend to be strong until you are goals - focus and measurable actions try something different - big one not talked about enough here, open your mind, heart and soul up to new ideas and letting go of dysfunctional beliefs. I think this step walks you from acceptance across the divide from fear to love.
The great divide - limboland. We have accepted we need to work on ourselves, we acknowledge our M might not be saved, we understand our role in our sitch and we are detaching. We are also afraid of moving forward - might hear more WAS script, rollercoaster makes me sick, might get more empty promises. Guess what? For our WAS to be where they are they have already reached this point and have decided that the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving (read FEAR.) So you fellow DBers have a choice stay in the land of fear or choose to love anyway. By finding this place you already know what some of the answers are. It's finding the strength, wisdom and love to push on. Just saw Groundhog Day over the weekend. What was the transformation Phil Connors (Bill Murray) had to get out of his limboland? He took the focus off of his needs and wants and started caring about others (love.) Until then he met with frustration and depression. Once he got his mojo on then he was seen as attractive and interesting to not just to Rita, his love interest, but the whole community.
So whether or not you reconcile one of your goals should be get yourself to the point where you love yourelf enougth to be able to love (philia) others, be a friend, and give with no expectations. You have to be pretty secure in who you are to do this. To get here you need to do work. This in itself it why DBing is valuable.
Becoming friends. Let's define friends first. From Wiki: Quote: Friendship is co-operative and supportive behavior between two or more people. In this sense, the term connotes a relationship which involves mutual knowledge, esteem, and affection and respect along with a degree of rendering service to friends in times of need or crisis. Friends will welcome each other's company and exhibit loyalty towards each other, often to the point of altruism. Their tastes will usually be similar and may converge, and they will share enjoyable activities. They will also engage in mutually helping behavior, such as exchange of advice and the sharing of hardship. A friend is someone who may often demonstrate reciprocating and reflective behaviors. Yet for many, friendship is nothing more than the trust that someone or something will not harm them.
Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:
the tendency to desire what is best for the other, sympathy and empathy, honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart, mutual understanding.
Here is the bridge from fear to love: - wanting what is best for the other - true giving - sympathy and empathy-- "you need space, OK I understand that." - honesty-- healthy boundaries, communication, and transparency - mutual understanding --validation, no defensiveness I would add a big one here because it is at the heart of loving yourself - forgiveness. Accept yours/his/hers faults and love anyway.
Love is a verb. It's what you do that shows your spouse you love them. Yes that is possible while seperated. Be a great parent, I read here once that women love to see their husbands play with their kids. I was all over that. See things from your WAS perspective, you can't be effective at that if you are over on the fear/anger side. Take away all of their objections and make the changes for yourself. Make yourself attractive from the inside out.
So why be friends? It is the first step to intimate love. Jealousy could work but in my mind you are starting the relationship over based on fear not love. (still have the work to do.) I want to be the kind of friend to my W that is unbeatable. I want to flip that fear of staying vs fear of leaving into the joy of staying outweighs any potential joy of leaving. It's at this stage that I can continue down the path of deepening the love. This is the second goal of DBing.
I know some of the DBers won't reconcile their M, some of the posters I learned the most from didn't. Getting across the divide to the "land of love" (sounds real cheesy I know) from the fog of fear and land of snakes will make you a stronger, wiser, and more loving person. If your spouse had a addiction how would you handle it? Just try it and see what happens. You all can handle it.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
