Hi Pho! Hope you are doing well. Been thinking about how things are going for you. Seems that we are traveling the same path and in the same boat due to our spouses' past issues.
Quote:
I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.
Pho, I know this statement of yours has been talked of before but allow me to weigh in, also. It seems that talking with you is very helpful to me due to how similar our situations are.
As like you, I do not think I am to blame in my situation but I know I had a role in how things turned out, too. It seems that my W's childhood and past has so "messed her up" that she knows nothing more but to escape - and sometimes I feel that is into an almost alternate reality. Like you, I get the blame for everything. Everything. Our entire marriage was twisted to where there really were no good times. Imagine that. Her latest is that I didn't protect her. Kind of hard to do when for 10 years I never knew of most of this stuff, eh? She told me of a recent counseling session where her counselor flat out told her that she (the W) doesn't even know how she feels about things - that her mind/perception has twisted so much. But, I still get the blame. Not fun.
I have been reading a bit on "emotional IQ" as it pertains to relationships. Interesting stuff. Not saying it will help out our situations, but it may help in our understanding. Check it out, sometime. I think that it would do us both good to realize that our spouses' actions ARE a direct result of their childhood. Sometimes those walls are too difficult to climb, and yet sometimes all it takes is the smallest thing to crack those walls. The trick is finding what it is. Adult survivors of childhood abuse require far more understanding than I think we (well, me) realize.
I hope you are doing well. One foot in front of the other!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
