Hi all. Came back to post because while I followed everyone's posts I just feel my story is over
The last couple of weeks of stuck to not speaking to EXW about anything other than kids. That hasn't stopped her contacting me but I'm polite and listen without really saying much
I'm sort of lost at the moment and it's more to do with dropping the rope without being heartless or uncaring
EXW had a nice car when she left but it was expensive to run and she sold it and bought something much worse and just as expensive to run
She has had no MOT ( certificate of roadworthy ) for three months now and the car has many problems that make it worth next to nothing.
I offered to buy EXW a replacement as I know she cannot afford to continue to run her car She asked for time to think as she didn't feel it was right for me to have to pay for her car A few days later EXW text me to accept but I had Ickes her on my phone so did not receive the text. She called later from a landline and asked if I had received text and I said no. She explained that she had wanted to accept my offer but it' didn't matter now I was not in good form and said ok
Every nonth I pay 200 euro in EXWs account as she still pays two direct debits for the house and a personal loan she took out for us Last month around he 19th EXW asked could I pay the money in early as she wanted to buy S16 some presents for his birthday. I didn't do it for a couple of days and I got a text from EXW to say her car insurance had been cancelled because the direct debit was returned unpaid. I sorted insurance and paid in the 200.
EXW called me on Monday , S17s birthday to say could she borrow 200 euro for presents for Christmas I didn't really answer and we talked about other things She told me her Dad had made a DVD out of some old VHs tapes of S20 riding his first motorbike at 2 years old and would I like to see it. I answered I would love to and could she leave it at the house and I would get it copied
At the moment EXW thinks we are spending Xmas together but I plan on not being there
My questions for my friends on here are,
1. I have dropped the rope and if anything I'm the one making it clear to EXW that I'm not interested in another R but obviously I care for her so feel leaving her to sink in her financial mess is the wrong thing to do By the same token it seems OM is nothing more than a friend ( Intel from SIL ) so should I help ? Not for any other reason than she's desperate ?
2. My insecurities have ended any chance of reconciliation and I do feel that while I'm there for EXW I'm making her suffer while she is depressed By making her suffer I mean she reaches out and I slam the door ( figuratively ). I'm not saying she's trying to reconcile but she is trying to be a friend and supportive Should I open the door ? I can't stand anymore pain and feel that closing the door regardless of EXWs efforts ( or not ) maybe easier
3. I'm slipping back regards mindfulness and while EXW has no idea , she is on my mind way to much Will this be forever ?
4 I have no interest in dating and have tried to see how I felt. Obviously Pink is the exception here !!!!!!
I'm lost , I'm not in the emtional turmoil of a newcomer but I feel that I've reached a level I can't get past
I'm very lucky compared to others
I got my kids , my house , 99% of my income and EXW tells me she doesn't regret our M , I'm a great dad , I'm the one person she can trust , she's sorry for how she acted and wishes she could go back two years and take anti d's to stop this mess from every happening I get no spew and plenty of positive signs from EXW. ( 2 calls and ;4 texts on my birthday last sat ).
I feel bad for posting because I see the heartache some posters get and when I read they are being told that their Ex is happier without them it upsets me let alone them. EXW tells me she is very unhappy and doesn't know what to do and has even asked me to tell her. ( I advised I/C )
I suppose after posting all of the above I should just be grateful that I'm in the position I am
Sometimes you forget how helpful it is to write things down
Hi RD, thanks for the update. Like my sitch and Pink's, things trundle along until or unless you have an awakening, or they do, and then it all changes up.
For me I think your sitch is rather like Pink's in that your W would love to keep you close and be part(ish) of the family and your best chum too. Equally, she has been sharing a bed with 'friend' 'OM' or whatever.
So, I think my message to you is similar to your message to Pink. Your W will do what she will do, when she will do it. At the moment, she wants things from you which keep you attached - but she doesn't have the wherewithall just now to offer a full R to you.
Given that, I think it is best to plough your own furrow and live the best life you can. I get where you are coming from on the dating side (Pink excepted of course!) However, I think your life can grow in so many other ways...and I would still love to see you doing more GAL things just for you. I know how busy you must be with the kids - but even once every few weeks...just to have an RD centric activity would be a good thind I think.
The other thing that ties you to your W is money. I can't recall your � arrangements, but it seems as though your W left with virtually nothing - and she just 'taps' you for money from time to time. If you actually settled and separated your finances (I understand you can't consider D for a while yet) would that make a difference? The whole money thing reminds me a bit of me and my Dad when I was a poor student..
As for the whole 'slamming the door' thing. It's a hard balance to get. I certainly think it is important to work on your own insecurities and this helps respond in the way you want (ie: not driven by fear) if your W reaches out. Also, if you feel you slipped back on the mindfulness, how can you move forward again in this area?
Keep posting RD....I missed you xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Basically I see that you are just in the same position I am. LOST!!!
It's just amazing how our stories unfolded the same way. With these idiots saying how great we are and that they still love us and regret all what they did and are doing to us.
They also say how unhappy their decision is making them and they always show themselves miserable.
But and this is a huge BUT, they do not see their way back into the marriage, and they talk to us about this.
What to do??? I am very curious to know what our friends have to say and try to follow some advice because I find myself in the same boat right now. It's painful, it hurts all the time.
It is not the same pain anymore, it is almost like being on a funeral of someone you love dearly. I don't know if this is the last step to let go. It may be that it is an intense pain because the next move is to just give up on all of this.
RD, hang in there, I am sure that there is a better purpose for our lives, for us to be in this board, even for the people that are helping us to get out of this mess to be the ones that show. I do not believe in coincidences, but rather believe it is meant to be, it is our path.
I get the whole thing about being grateful, we have it all, it is great and we should be thankful because we got our houses, kids, we have a job, we are not in harms way and blah, blah, blah. But we also have the constant presence of the other one, reminding us of that deep pain of rejection, abandonment.
And we have TEENAGERS at home, with their own natural turmoil, building their future right now. We need to be strong and be there for it all, whatever comes we need to be calm and supportive.
So, we are in a million pieces. We need to be strong and wake up every day to keep the money flowing. Someone has old underwear and we need to put on a good attitude and smile and go shopping.
We can't just get drunk and be irresponsible, cry our lungs out and break some plates against the wall.
We can't even die, it would be so unfair with our little ones.
So what to do??? Maybe we need to just be selfish and decide on some serious boundaries and THE HELL WITH YOU attitude. You made the bed then now sleep on it kind of thing.
I did not feel angry most of the time, but I am somewhat developing anger. I am angry that I need to carry the heavy weight and my X is just figuring out his life.
Let's wait for some smart folks to give us direction, some ideas that will help us to move forward. For now, I actually feel good we are in the same situation. Somehow I feel that in the middle of all this disgrace we are finding that life is indeed beautiful and we will get to the other side soon enough.
You will see RD, just give a little more time to all this to be unfold in a better situation. I think that what is painful now is that we are this kind of people that will hold on to our values and have a hard time to just let it go. And we know that once we do, it is very hard to go back. Although we love our Xs we deep inside know that we are very, very close to our moment of 'I HAD ENOUGH".
Well, let's see what advice we get and move on from there.
On a private note: I also care about you a lot RD, I even think that we are getting a little mixed up because we did develop some flirting. We see hope and in the same time it is something so vague and abstract. Not even saying kind of impossible with our million kids. Why are we both in these crazy ride? I don't know anymore. My friends think that I went nuts for real now. When I look back into my life journey, I can't even believe I find myself here. I tough the crazy was out, and yet it is even more crazy right now.
At least we can laugh at ourselves today, we find ourselves in a big mess but we can find comfort in each other.
I am just perplexed and amazed of how life keeps juggling with us, our hearts and feelings.
Love you with all my heart and who knows, maybe one day we can be broken together.
Have a good day RD, laugh, enjoy the pain, it is teaching us to be better.
Um abraco gostoso da Pink que te guarda no curacao.
Hi all. Came back to post because while I followed everyone's posts I just feel my story is over
This is just another phase, your story is just beginning.
The last couple of weeks of stuck to not speaking to EXW about anything other than kids.
I think this is the right approach.
That hasn't stopped her contacting me but I'm polite and listen without really saying much.
RD, if you need to be polite that's ok, it isn't failure. It just is.
I'm sort of lost at the moment and it's more to do with dropping the rope without being heartless or uncaring.
Sometimes simply doing what is best for RD is enough. This is unfamiliar territory for you, that's all. In time this phase will just be part of your journey. Without a map you will be lost for a while. That's also ok.
EXW had a nice car when she left but it was expensive to run and she sold it and bought something much worse and just as expensive to run
She has had no MOT ( certificate of roadworthy ) for three months now and the car has many problems that make it worth next to nothing.
Her choice.
I offered to buy EXW a replacement as I know she cannot afford to continue to run her car She asked for time to think as she didn't feel it was right for me to have to pay for her car A few days later EXW text me to accept but I had Ickes her on my phone so did not receive the text. She called later from a landline and asked if I had received text and I said no. She explained that she had wanted to accept my offer but it' didn't matter now I was not in good form and said ok .
If you feel it's right to do this and it works for RD then it's ok.
Every nonth I pay 200 euro in EXWs account as she still pays two direct debits for the house and a personal loan she took out for us Last month around he 19th EXW asked could I pay the money in early as she wanted to buy S16 some presents for his birthday. I didn't do it for a couple of days and I got a text from EXW to say her car insurance had been cancelled because the direct debit was returned unpaid. I sorted insurance and paid in the 200.
If you make a commitment then honor it. Otherwise say no.
EXW called me on Monday , S17s birthday to say could she borrow 200 euro for presents for Christmas I didn't really answer and we talked about other things She told me her Dad had made a DVD out of some old VHs tapes of S20 riding his first motorbike at 2 years old and would I like to see it. I answered I would love to and could she leave it at the house and I would get it copied
Be straight if it's no. Say no.
At the moment EXW thinks we are spending Xmas together but I plan on not being there.
Then tell her, be straight forward about it.
My questions for my friends on here are,
1. I have dropped the rope and if anything I'm the one making it clear to EXW that I'm not interested in another R but obviously I care for her so feel leaving her to sink in her financial mess is the wrong thing to do .
That was the choice WW made when leaving. If your commitment is 200 pay it. Be clear that's it.
By the same token it seems OM is nothing more than a friend ( Intel from SIL ) so should I help ?
OM is irrelevant I feel this. If OM wasn't there would you assist. If yes for how long?
Not for any other reason than she's desperate ?
Do this for you and the kids, make your commitment, car and 200 and that's it. Then draw the line.
2. My insecurities have ended any chance of reconciliation
No, WW sacked you as her H. You may also have insecurities which of LBS don't but really this isn't you my dear bruv
and I do feel that while I'm there for EXW I'm making her suffer while she is depressed.
WW is responsible for her own sitch and her feelings. RD has no control over whether WW is depressed or no.
By making her suffer I mean she reaches out and I slam the door ( figuratively ).
WW isn't reaching out, she is looking for fin support. Don't confuse the two RD. Decide what is acceptable to you and acknowledge it.
I'm not saying she's trying to reconcile but she is trying to be a friend and supportive.
Mind reading RD.
Should I open the door ?
i don't think you ever closed it. And that is ok, you know.
I can't stand anymore pain and feel that closing the door regardless of EXWs efforts ( or not ) maybe easier.
It isn't a once and for all thing and that's ok too. If for you then you need your privacy do so. I recollect saying to you on many occasions that I felt you needed your own space. That WW had too much access to your inner sanctum, then if now is the time, take your privacy. That's ok, to do that which is best for you.
3. I'm slipping back regards mindfulness and while EXW has no idea , she is on my mind way to much Thats ok too.
Will this be forever ?
That doesn't matter at all. If she is, she is the mother of your children. You can stand.
4 I have no interest in dating and have tried to see how I felt.
There can be many reasons for it, you are not ready, wrong lady, too little GAL.
Obviously Pink is the exception here !!!!!!
I'm lost , I'm not in the emtional turmoil of a newcomer but I feel that I've reached a level I can't get past
You will in time and there is plenty of it. No rush RD. It's a phase you know, part of the grief curve. It's the holding pattern down phase of the Kubler Ross cycle. It happens to all of us in different ways and it is what it is. breathe, what is happening is absolutely completely, totally part of the process.
I'm very lucky compared to others
I got my kids , my house , 99% of my income and EXW tells me she doesn't regret our M , I'm a great dad , I'm the one person she can trust , she's sorry for how she acted and wishes she could go back two years and take anti d's to stop this mess from every happening I get no spew and plenty of positive signs from EXW. ( 2 calls and ;4 texts on my birthday last sat ).
Happy Birthday RD
I feel bad for posting
STOP. Immediately, everyone has a different sitch. Yours is tough in a different way. Your sitch is as important as any other.
because I see the heartache some posters get and when I read they are being told that their Ex is happier without them it upsets me let alone them.
So........ Your sitch is different, there will be other posters other lurkers who will relate.
EXW tells me she is very unhappy and doesn't know what to do and has even asked me to tell her. ( I advised I/C )
Its her choice RD, her sitch, her emotion. It's her hook for the rope.
I suppose after posting all of the above I should just be grateful that I'm in the position I am
Gratitude is always a good choice.
Sometimes you forget how helpful it is to write things down
----------------------------------------
RD you are where you are. Breathe, it's all part of the process.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 12/03/1501:33 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Happy Birthday Brother RD! Wish I could give you a big man hug and take you out for a drink (I'll have bubbly water).
V did a much better job than I could taking your post line by line. I agree with everything she said. You're still in a tough spot brother. Sure you've got your external life organized, you're successful in all the areas that you need to as a man and a father, but it sounds from here that you're still grieving Rd.
No offense, but you got (censored) over by your EXW. That doesn't just go away because the rope has been dropped. That's a process like Lady V said. It may take years before she's out of your heart.
Also, it sounds like your EXW has her life set up to be just dysfunctional enough to still rely on you. So you get to interact with her, but only in ways that are taking from you, not in ways that actually give anything to you. She gets in trouble, you step in. She needs money for the kids, you step in.
Every time you step in though, not only are you doing something for her or giving something to her externally, but it's also a reminder of her and that's painful! So it's a double hit to you, but it's a double hit that happens under the table. If she showed up at your house, took money out of your wallet and slapped you in the face, that'd be honest. This is all covert.
Of course you're still a mess. Pink is right, your spouses are pulling the same thing.
"I'm sorry, I wish I could change it....now let me do things that really hurt you under the guise of needing something from you be it fins or affection."
Sorry man, you're still in this. It sounds like you're going to be in it for a while too. Until she pulls herself together or realizes she has to go elsewhere to get her needs met, she's going to keep showing up and hurting you with her requests.
I've still got my fingers crossed that you and Pink end up together, and that I run into you both at an airport someday!
Stay strong Rd. Do what's best for Rd and his kids. Keep doing that.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
Hi V. Thanks for checking in. Life goes on As time passes I think I'm putting up walls to protect myself so I'm not going to be hurt again.
I read the newcomers on here and I remember the terrible pain that I was in and I couldn't expose myself to that again
W seems to be struggling along and has been coming forward but my reaction seems to be shutting her down as soon as she starts to open up. I realise it's the fear of being hurt again and I have accepted that while I would love her back with the family but it's not to be.
D14 very down so I'm taking her to I/C tomorrow. D11 had her hair cut to shoulder length and she looks amazing
S17 very quiet of late so keeping an eye on him
S20 is good
Business ok if it wasn't for pesky cash flow and my extravagant spending habits !!
I do realise that I will be happy one day it's just hard to visualise that day at the moment
