Late to the game

[Free]

You nailed it.
I haven't been the easiest to live with and I've learned a lot from what she has now told me. I have made MAJOR changes in attitude, lifestyle and appearance.
She has told me that she sees a difference in my attitude, especially around the kids. Once, she even acknowledged the weight loss (65 lbs since BD), but she cringes if anyone else compliments me on it.
Its been about 6 weeks since our last discussion. At that time, she said that she was still unsure and, for her, staying would be the easy way out. I told her that I understood and didn't push for anything. She already knows that I do not want to divorce. The last few discussions we had started with "I want a divorce" and ended with "I don't know what I want".
Needless to say, I continue to learn and improve while avoiding heavy discussions like the plague.
The comment about watching comedies rings true. Early on in this, I sat down to watch tv while she was flipping through the channels. She stopped on some show where a married couple was arguing about their future together.
Awkward moment. We looked at each other and she changed the channel with a little bit of a grin.
We have had a few moments of normalcy, surrounded by many moments of silence and numbness.
That had become the new normal until I started to detach.