Wayward Wife, my addiction, advice needed

[trumpet]

Thanks, 123mich.

We had an hour discussion on the phone today. She is still just in la-la land, and thinks leaving me in limbo is fine. She really thinks things might still go the way of D, so she's leaving all her options open.

We'll be going to MC tomorrow, but it isn't going to be pretty. I won't have much to say, since the homework we were given is still not done. When the W doesn't want to do any of it, and insists I'm the one to do it, it doesn't bode well. I'm ok with it, really. I think the M has farther to fall, or my wife has farther to fall before we can start building. I'm more resolute in making sure I'm detached and just working on myself for now, and probably for the next couple months.

It was my mistake to think it would take days or weeks. I'm going to be working on GAL and seeing what life looks like w/o my wife around, or being the center of my universe.

[Zues126]

It was my mistake to think it would take days or weeks. I'm going to be working on GAL and seeing what life looks like w/o my wife around, or being the center of my universe.

I think it's a mistake to think it will work at all. Those are just expectations and attachment. The reality is that many sitches don't turn around, and those that do typically do only long after the LBS has grieved the loss and is living their next life.

If I were you I wouldn't go to M counseling. It is demeaning for you to try to work on an M while she walks from it. I would use that session as an opportunity to let her know that, and that you won't be attending any more. Then I would let go, create some distance, and build your new life without her.

If you disagree with anything I have said you truly are off by a factor of 10 how far gone she is and how done the M is.

[trumpet]

Update.

Saw Pastor/MC last night. Before we went, I took half day off, and got a new haircut - a little different than usual. In the past, we were getting out of debt, so I was cutting my own hair, and my wife was trimming it up, which she hated. Getting a new phone as well. New Bike got dropped off 2 days ago. Bought cologne on Sat.

Needless to say, this change in Trumpet, and the haircut put her over the edge. Got really angry when she got home, and she asked me who I'm planning to to go out with, and if I had a date.

Here is where I made a mistake, thinking I was kidding... and said 'maybe...' with a smile on my face. This one word took her over the edge, and she started getting angry in front of the kids. I let her go for a bit, and then stated that my portion of the conversation was done, until we could see the counselor in an hour. That didn't set well with her, either.

She drove separately.

She started the session in tears, and what we planned on working on during the session drifted away. Both of us showed anger and hurt, and the pastor realized we hadn't moved on from the hurt stage yet towards MC. I explained that this was my worry, but he was pretty sure that we had overcome that. Nope.

At home, something happened to my W. She wanted to talk, and right away, after the kids were moving towards bed, she told me 'I am sorry', and not in anger, but in a voice and demeanor that showed something had changed in her. She acknowledged the EA and start of a PA with OM, but stated again it was over, and has been for a week. No contact. She stated she wants to work on the marriage - a true first for her in 6 weeks. Other times it was 'we'll take it day by day'.

We talked on our bed for a good hour. When she was heading to bed, she said 'I do love you, but there is a lot of crap on top of it. I'm still working through the idea that I wanted to be in love with someone else, and the idea of that (aka fantasy). I like your new haircut, and I also like the cologne you're wearing'.

Those words let me know that what I had been doing was paying off.

In the session, I was told to continue to lead. The wife agreed. And we both agreed it will take many back and forths to finally get past the hurt, and that it will be difficult.

I was content with all that last night, and will continue to work on myself.

This morning - a surprise. She asked me to come close and she kissed me. She wants to go on a date on Friday. She initiated. I said yes.

The roller coaster is going up the hill, faster than I want it to. Baby steps.

For any of you 'piecing', putting a R back together, any advise you have would be helpful. It looks like the D word is leaving my W's vocabulary for now.

[sandi2]

Why are you having hour long phone conversations?

[trumpet]

Sandi - hour long in the house.

[123mich]

It was my mistake to think it would take days or weeks. I'm going to be working on GAL and seeing what life looks like w/o my wife around, or being the center of my universe.

I am completely with you on this!

When I tried MC my W told me then she was only there for me and now I get it she was there just because.. (aka she was not there emotionally and not ready to put in the work). Not sure if W will EVER get there so I need to GAL too.

[sandi2]

We had an hour discussion on the phone today

.

Oooookaaaay.

[Uphill]

Sandi, you and trumpet are talking about different posts. You are reading the one at the top of the page. A few posts below there is another one... Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to point that out

[trumpet]

Thanks Uphill - caught my error.

Yes - had a talk on the phone for almost an hour... that was before the MC session. The hour talk at home was on Tuesday night.

We're moving forward with a 'date night' on Friday. Not getting my hopes up, but will be on my best behavior. I think the fog is lifting, finally, from the EA. The issue is, now that we MIGHT be able to put this M back together, how many steps forward and backward are we going to take? It's going to be tough. I think it's marriage 2.0, really. We somehow have to make it through all the hurt. Forgiveness - what does that look like at a permanent level, and not for a day or two? The hurt and anger come back easily.

I'm scared to make a mistake.

I'm also excited that she is willing to take this step.

I think for our whole marriage we've been selfish, each of us wanting to talk our LL, feed OUR needs, and never looking at it from the other side of the fence. Fires would begin, we'd deal with them, kids came, we dealt with them, the job losses, the medical issues, the addiction - and now go back to the beginning, and truly try to give of ourselves into the idea that it isn't all about us.

My addiction makes it tough, though. I haven't backslid at all, but it did mask the emotional and physical needs that I never got from her. At least I can talk about those needs, and tell her what I need, instead of just being angry, and not communicating my feelings. But 6 weeks in, it does get tougher. Will have to rely on Jesus, and exercise to get me through this.

[trumpet]

Well, Another 2 steps forward, another 2 steps back.

I had Friday off, so I worked around the house, and was excited for us having a 'date night'. I worked on cleaning up our clothes closet, and worked on cleaning our bathroom, which really needed it.

We headed out ok, but during our date night, which started with a 'date night' bible study, I saw my wife grow distant, like she usually does when talking about feelings, about emotions, and marriage. You could tell something was wrong, and when we were supposed to talk to each other about making 'bid' - aka love deposits - I had some great ones that I like to hear from her - but she couldn't come up with any, aaying this is 'difficult'.

After leaving, I asked a few questions, but the conversation became strained, and the night started to take a bad turn. I really need a new phone, so we stopped with about 45 min to spare to work on picking one up - I had all the particulars done beforehand, so I was hoping that's the time it would take. As soon as we get there, my wife tells me 'we don't have time for this right now', insisting we leave to go to dinner, which was just up the street.

Needless to say, I didn't take it well. After yelling, and almost walking home the 2 miles, we had no dinner, no discussion, and my wife was back at Facebook on the computer as soon as we got home. The kids were really confused, since we were supposed to be home 2 hours later.

It keeps coming down to my wife saying 'just give me time', in which that is code for 'don't ask any questions about the M, or her feelings, or really anthing to do with us'.

I'm really hurt, and have seen myself get angry again tonight. I'm headed to bed soon, with a new bed in the basement, and even all my books and alarm down in the basement now. My wife just isn't ready to realize how much hurt I have in my heart, and that all this supposed 'time' she needs is really just letting my heart out of wanting to be in the M. I told her I need the connection, but without any movement towards emotional and physical needs, I'm finding it hard to move forward towards MR.

Any adivice for me? Ugh, back to square one.