my wife requests space, deattached from me

[SM34]

I think you are confusing some of the DB principles of acting as if nothing is happening, with being a doormat If you know she is cheating on you, you need to make it clear that you know that she is, and that you won't be second place. Acting like nothing is happening is AFTER you get all of that in the open. It's about pretending you know you are worth more than being second, even if you don't feel like you are...

That, is acting as if.

How long do you intend on living with someone who is actively with someone else while you pretend nothing is happening? This is not healthy for you.

Also, setting boundaries is not about boundaries for HER. So you don't ask her why are you chatting to OM?

The boundary is something that YOU will not cross...

For example: As long as you are chatting with OM, I refuse to be a part of this marriage.

Also the consequence: if you continue to choose to behave in this way, I will have no choice but to separate from you.

Do not use threats. You are not threatening her, you are telling her what you will not stand for in YOUR life, not hers. This is not a threat this is a boundary. Make sure whatever you state is the consequence of continued bad behavior is something that you will actually do. Not something you are not willing to enforce.

Then you need to have in your mind the consequence of her continuing this behavior. Then you back off and see. If she continues the behavior you immediately move to your intended plan. The one you stated to her. No games.

She is an adult and she knows there are consequences for her actions. Right now she has no need to stop since there is no consequence and she gets to have you and eat her cake (OM).

One year is long enough (too long really) to wait for something to stop. In any case you've waited and it hasn't happened. And if it stops because of natural causes like them having a fight etc there will be OM2 and OM3. Could you put up with this? What is YOUR boundary?