She sounds as if she's given up, and probably does have depression. There may be no love interest elsewhere, but she is vulnerable for one.
Years of resentment, yeah.....I've been there. It's really, really hard to get past it. When you see your youth and younger version of your M gone.....and realize those years can't be replaced, and that it could have been so much better if only your H had.......(fill in the blank). Not a productive way of thinking or living, but that's how a lot of W's get into this hole of giving up on their H's ever changing and staying changed for the better.
Living with you doesn't sound like it's been a walk in the park for her. I would suggest you make some big changes. Ones that are realistic and you will keep for the rest of your life.
When you have depression, and going through what you went through, it's tough for both spouses. By the time you were pulling through....it had taken a toll on her. It's sad.
Work on yourself with improvements. Don't smother her, but don't ignore her. When you are with her, be positive and upbeat. Now, don't over kill, b/c it will make her angry that you waited till she was done and then you change. Take it slow and easy.
Stay away from mentioning anything about the past. Don't ask her how she's feeling or about the future. Stay in the present.
If you watch tv or movies together, I'd suggest watching comedy. Anything romantic or sad is defeating both of you. It can trigger her negative feelings.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
