[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, Sotto, job, rd, thanks everyone so much for your support. Logically I know that it is not 100% my fault and that I was not a terrible wife. It just feels like that every time I see H being so indifferent and seemingly happy with his life “after me” (like he said.) In these moments it feels like it is not him who is broken, it is me, especially that I still cannot detach enough and move on with my life.
I needed to hear your kind words of support today. Thank you.

I woke up this morning with the knot in my stomach. It reminded me how it was for the good couple of years after the BD. I thought I was past that. The good thing is that I’m working from home today, as I’m a bit of a mess and keeping good face at work would be hard.

Job, thank you for your previous post too. You said: “It takes a lot of effort and energy for depressed people to socialize and yes, put on that happy mask to convince others that they are fine.” You are absolutely right. I know this from my own experience. Who knows what H is thinking most of the days, but he fools me every time he comes over with the happy face and having a normal conversation. I guess these visits affect me so much because I keep looking for any sign of remorse or grieve on his part and every time he doesn’t show any. I think it is similar to when my mutual friends tell me that I look so happy and content while I’m silently hurting inside.

I cannot believe that after 3 ½ years I’m still feeling these emotions, I’m still not over the grief, still hurting… This is where I lose any hope that it is going to get better, ever… I think my friends and family are right that I need to cut the cord, otherwise I will not be able to move on.

I need to get myself together, as I’m expecting H will be contacting me about these signed forms, and maybe coming over again.