spoke to OW..the 1 he said he has no contact with

[tl2]

There's a saying around here, Believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.

I think not responding to the texts and calls and VMs is a good move. Only talk when it's necessary concerning the kids or perhaps a legal/financial matter.

Wouldn't hurt to talk to a pastor or counselor who knows what they're doing if you can.

[Azzork]

No on the L. In one of his rants he told me to tell him how much I need monthly to maintain myself and the kids. He already knows the answer as we have been living separately. He's never given me a problem about money except during my pregnancy.

Just because he's never GIVEN you a problem in the past doesnt mean he WONT in the future. What if he spends all of his money on OW? Then where does that leave you?

Id strongly recommend seeing a lawyer so that you can figure out how to protect yourself and your children.

Doesnt mean you need to file for divorce. But you should get something in place, officially, so you arent just trusting him.

[tl2]

Agree with Az...a legal separation may be necessary to insure he honors his family obligations. It will also be helpful to collect in the future if he doesn't pay for some reason.

[Rain75]

We were engaged not married. So seeing a L doesn't apply to our sitch. I could file for official child support though. I hate that thought. That its now child support and kid hand offs when last week we were planning our family vacation. It's all so fresh. This new wound over the last. Hurting like i dont know what. Lost.

[Rain75]

Thank you by the way. It's nice to hear from everyone here.

[Rain75]

He is so violently hurtful to me and so sweet to her. It's crazy. How do you not believe what he says when its seems so final. As if he is relieved its out in the open and just wants me to be quiet, care for the kids and let him go on with his fabulous new single life while i suffer in silence.

It's been hard but im glad I've been able to refrain from responding to him.

Thanks for the advice. I have been meaning to find a church. Just been to busy worrying about what he was doing. Now i know so it's time.

[Azzork]

We were engaged not married. So seeing a L doesn't apply to our sitch. I could file for official child support though.

Well theres still more to it than that. What about custody arrangements? These are his kids, right? How will you protect your time with them? How will you guarantee they have health insurance? And so on.

Let me ask you this. What is the reason to NOT file for child support?

I hate that thought. That its now child support and kid hand offs when last week we were planning our family vacation. It's all so fresh. This new wound over the last. Hurting like i dont know what. Lost.

It [censored]. I get it. Ive been there. To be incredibly content and then have the rug pulled out is so tough.

In my opinion, your priorities should be:
1) protecting your kid's interests
2) starting to rebuild your life as Rain75.
And thats it. Stop worrying about H and OW. Let that drama unfold on their watch.

In the meantime, what kind of GAL activities do you have planned?What are you doing for you?

[Pink17]

Hi Rain,

Love the name by the way. I love rain. It's refreshing.

Please, stop the insanity or it will be like this for a long haul.

First, this OW has no grounds to say, show, or whatever is her dirty business about herself or your H. Just ignore her totally. She is a piece of trash and a waste of your precious time. Forget about her.

Second, your H is reacting to the open and blown situation that was just comfortable for him the way it was before. He will make you feel bad, unhappy, miserable, guilt, ashamed, and a lot more... WHY? Because that is the way he feels inside his turmoil and he does not want to feel that way.

He says he loves this OW, well, if it was real love, it would be patient, careful, serene and he would have the decency of respecting everyone involved and not go on a frantic spastic blow as he is right now.

The best thing you can do right now is to retrieve, do not use any media to make yourself feel bad. You are hurting a lot already and does not need any extra help on the bleeding.

Start from the starting point. Do you want your H back? Is that important for you and your family?

If yes, then read the DB book over and over. Stop calling, texting, using excuses. He is telling you he wants his space and that is what you need to give him.

If you need to say something to him, then say:

"I am sorry H this situation got to this point, but I understand and respect your decision since I also need some space and time to think about my life too?"

He will be a little confused just by you saying this, then he will be more confused that you will let him go, will let him pursue this fantastic love of his. He is not seeing the big picture here, he is after a woman that is married, he has three small kids. People can be dreamers to a point, but he is not in a best position here.

So get yourself out of this mess, look for something you can do with your kids. I know, I know, you are a mess and can't even function well. But remember that your kids are going through this as well, and if you are not careful now, you will end up paying a lot of money for counselors once they are older.

Your H is behaving like a jerk, an insensitive teenager. Let him be and it will all explode in his face sooner then later.

You need to lose weight? The think what you can do to start that. You need to look into finances and protect yourself and the kids? Then schedule a visit with a lawyer (I did with three) to find out what are your rights and what can you in your situation to protect yourself legally if things goes to that direction.

Be informed, do not let yourself too sentimental about everything. Pick a time to cry, suffer, and pick a time to be practical. One thing does not need to be connect to the other. And if not for yourself, then do it to protect your children. They can't protect themselves and right now your H is a mess, they have only you to look after them.

I did my D, even not wanting one. But I was afraid that things would turn badly and I needed to protect myself and my three boys. I end up with a house, my car paid off, no bills at all, part of the money in my retirement account and a fat alimony check every two weeks for 9years.

Was it the best thing? For my heart no because I still love the bastard. But financially speaking I am not suffering.

The other thing I did is that I got myself in counseling, it helped me a lot, really a lot. I also got to a point that I couldn't work well, then I went to my doctor, explained the situation I was going through and got a mild Anti depressant, it did not dope me, it just took off the edge and I could function better at work and at home.

And don't take me wrong, I still cried, cried and cried. I felt I was a mess. But I could keep my head a little more clear for what was really important... my kids, myself.

Please, see a lawyer at least to check what you can do. Start gathering some papers, be prepare to act in your own behalf.

Let him go, he needs time and he is asking for it. The more you go after him, the more he will run from you. To get it back, you need to let it go.

You will feel better too.

Pink

[Azzork]

He is so violently hurtful to me and so sweet to her.
How can you take yourself out of the equation? Why are you letting him be hurtful to you?

It's crazy. How do you not believe what he says when its seems so final.
Hasnt he said similar things to you in the past? My XW said all kinds of wonderful things to me when we were getting together. I think you can guess that those werent "final"

Think of it another way:
- Have you ever felt hungry? Do you always feel hungry?
- Have you ever felt happy? Do you always feel feel happy?
The point is that feelings change. So how he FEELS today is not going to be the same as how he feels tomorrow.

As if he is relieved its out in the open and just wants me to be quiet, care for the kids and let him go on with his fabulous new single life while i suffer in silence.
Hes going to do what he wants to do anyway. Why do you need to sit and suffer?

It's been hard but im glad I've been able to refrain from responding to him.
Its hard, but its also important.

Thanks for the advice. I have been meaning to find a church. Just been to busy worrying about what he was doing. Now i know so it's time.
At this point, it doesnt matter what hes doing unless it directly impacts you or the kids.

[Rain75]

Azzork..hey. Yes that are his children. Beyond money and one text yesterday he has not attempted to see the kids. Has not even asked about them. When i refer to kid hand offs I meant in the future.

Honestly i hadnt thought about any of the things you pointed out to me re: custody and health insurance. I guess i should find out how much a consultation costs and see what i can do.

And a reason not to file for CS? I suppose a glimmer of hope for our R but honestly what R at this point. I will start by calling the CS enforcement office.

As for gal...i was thinking of contacting an old friend that lives a few hours away about a visit there. Not much else right now.