Thanks my beautiful sister Sotto and my lovely love RD,
Your words are wise and now I can accept them so freely and I understand so much more the weight that those words done on my life.
Sotto, XWH does not have my keys since august, I asked for the house keys and he was pretty surprised and I just said:
Me: XH I would like the house keys back, you do not live here anymore and it is my house after all.
XWH: Well, I guess that is the way it is.
I also changed the locks and the garage code. Now, as you know, I have teenagers and it is not an easy task to just say stay out of my house when you come to pick up the kids. Because sometimes my lazy teenagers are not ready yet, or they just want to hang out with their dad in a house.
So, I decided to accepted that, no big deal about it. After all, I am Brazilian and a Brazilian house is everyone's house. XWH gives me a schedule every 1st of the month what gives an idea of what he is doing with the kids.
What I am doing now is that I am not there. Like yesterday, I knew he was coming at 6pm, then the kids said that he texted and was going to be there by 5:30pm, so I left very fast and was not there by the time he got to get the kids, and was not there by the time he dropped them off and he knows it because he came into the house.
I feel much better this way. To tell the truth it has been a trillion times better that I am not involved in his turmoil.
I need to be strong tough, be alert of all the tricks he uses to keep me hooked up. This morning he called and texted saying that he would be late to get the kids to school and wants to make sure I was available to take them.
I ignored it all because he can call his kids directly. I won't answer anymore of his nonsenses. And I know some people would say that he was just innocent trying to solve the issue about the kids. But this is what he does once I start ignoring him and he can't see me anymore. He start inventing stuff and calling me with some stupid excuses, then the conversation goes into our R again. That's a sick cycle that I am not in a mood to get involved anymore. It is unhealthy for me and it just makes me sad. So NO, NO, NO, NO... BASTA! I had enough of all this bull and I do not need to hear him crying the milk spilled version anymore, or his Shakespearian version of how much he loves me.
XWH did this many times before and I won't fall for it anymore. If the subject is urgent, then I will do whatever it takes, but this kind of logistics issues will not get me anymore.
S21 went out with them yesterday and told me that XWH is very stressed out about work, that things are not working well for him and that he has a lot of problems to resolve. S21 said that he tried to give his opinion and XWH was just talking, not listening. S21 also said that he is in denial, he thinks that everything he does is the right thing and that everyone else is doing the wrong stuff. That he needs to be careful because people are out there to get him and destroy his career. XWH also asked about our plans for XMas and what "Mom" was planning to do. S21 said that we are still talking and have nothing decided yet (Wow, these kids can DB much better then I do).
I just think that I will probably see him worse. He is also in denial about getting some professional help. It's obvious he needs someone to talk to, someone with knowledge to help him to see things a little different. But he does not want it, and it is all his problem.
It's ashamed to see someone with good potential to get so uncontrolled and lost. Well, I am not in my best place yet either, I need to do a lot of work for myself and in/out myself, right now my priority is my kids and myself and that's about a lot.
I just want to say that it is amazing that just flipping my attitude, that it is really making me feel better about myself and my life in general. I won't lie and say that I am in Wonderland now because it is not true. I am still hurting, but in a different way.
I feel stronger every day and I am going back to who I was once. I was the owner of my life, wishes, desires, victories, failures, my smile, my anger, my crazy. O owned it all and I was free within myself. It's coming back and I feel the power of being my myself again.
I love you guys, and I love you a lot more then you can ever image. I can honestly say that if this forum did not help me to get my H back, for sure it helped me to rescue myself and make me a better person and that alone is more then have the idiot back. His loss.
And RD, we will see about this "You love your XWH". Sometimes, that big love dissipates and is gone forever. I am not going to hold on to that love, I understand that my M is over, my R with this man is dissolved, there is nothing there anymore. From now on, it is up to life to fill my heart with love again, and it can be XWH or anyone else, who knows!!! I don't for sure.
