I had a role. I was in a difficult position, and I do not believe I am to blame, but I did have a role in it. I complained too much instead of getting professional help to figure out how to deal with the problems. I knew H didn't have the skills or perspective to handle the situation well and I just kept pressuring him to do it. Until it all blew up in my face. And now I truly believe I am being made the scapegoat for all of it. I believe that I am going to lose my H because of this. H has shut me out and wants nothing to do with me.
In MC I have asked if we can move forward, if we can establish healthy ways of relating and moving forward and H does not want to. He wants to rehash the past.
Pho, you remind me so much of myself. There's another poster who you remind me of in some ways - SS06. You might want to read her sitch if you have the desire.
I was in the same situation. XH and I were good - until we hit issues. When the issues hit, I pushed XH to handle the situation. I pushed for him to face his fears. To cut the chord from his toxic parents. To address the issues he had from growing up in a negligent environment with a mentally ill mother who was also a drug addict and alcoholic. I think that deep down I knew he wouldn't be able to do the work, that the wounds were too deep. But I wanted so badly for him TO do it. For him to want to be better. For him to see the potential that I saw in him.
The problem, I see now, is that XH didn't have the skills or perspective to deal with it. And honestly, I don't think he wanted to. I think, in the dysfunction, there was comfort. It was all he knew, and to walk away from it - was unthinkable to him. He couldn't separate love from dysfunction. He thought they were synonymous. And here I was, pushing for him to change - thinking I was helping him grow into a better person, yadda yadda. And he resented me for it. But I think he resented himself more. And then it blew up in my face, he had a mental health crisis, everything he has been hiding from has come to the surface and he can't deal. And now we're divorced.
I often wondered, if when we hit the first bump, if I should've insisted on counseling. If it would've made a difference. If we could've been saved? But that would've required him to be honest and open about his feelings and situations, and address a lot of issues. And IF and this is a big IF he had addressed the issues, I don't know if I would've been in a place to hear them. We had different mindsets on what we thought were the issues, and he wasn't strong enough or willing to do the work.
It's hard, because I am such a strong personality. I am hell on wheels and then some. And I think that I was too much for him. That he constantly felt that he had to be something for me. Something that he felt that he should provide. When all I wanted was honesty and love.
I digress, but the point is this. Pho, own your part of it. Learn from it, work on it. But do not adsorb the responsibilities for his part.
y
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
