I think today I will begin to dig into working through detachment. I hate this process... But I put it off too long.
Step one is to figure out how my R with my H is toxic. pfft... this part is easy
* H was emotionally unavailable to me * H was overly dependent on me * H had the power to impact my feelings about myself * I was always the chronic fixer * I feel obligation and loyalty to H that is too strong to let go * I have fantasies that H will change and make everything all better * H ignored all of my needs * I allowed, and maybe encouraged H's bad behavior.
The next step is to replace that garbage with healthy, more rational feelings... Here is where it gets murky. Maybe if I do one at a time?
* H was emotionally unavailable to me During the M, this is a problem, but the M is dead. My H's emotions are no longer my concern. His last few text messages were full of depression. I can DO NOTHING to fix or even slightly help this. Unless he actually asks me for help, I can forget about his emotions guilt free. If my H should ask me for help, I am still not responsible for helping him. Not anymore. I can offer advice on professionals that can help him, but I cannot take the responsibility for his emotions.
To deal with the guilt and fear I feel when I tell myself not to worry about my H's emotions, I will look at 2 specific positives in my life. I quit smoking and started running.
* H was overly dependent on me This was toxic because it created MOUNTAINS of resentment in me. I needed a protector, a rock, a partner. Instead I got a H who stood directly on my head while I drowned.
H's will fall behind on his bills in less than 30 days. Christmas is less than 30 days. I will have PLENTY of money this month to help him.
I am 60% sure I will be able to resist H. I am not 100% sure because I love him with my entire being and how can you sit by and watch a person you love get evicted on christmas??? But I am not helping him by helping him. I am controlling him and forcing him to assume the victim role that I HATE. Also, I am not helping myself at all. The children need that money much more than H does. Emotionally I need to separate H's problems with my problems.
To combat helping H stay dependent on me, first I will look at the progress I have made in this area so far. I kicked him out. He cried that he had no where to go, but I kicked him out anyway. He found a way, all by himself.
He found his own place. He completely took advantage of my mom, but that is 100% out of my control. He got NOTHING from me.
Fear will overwhelm me that if he gets evicted he will hate me. Also, if he gets evicted, he will move to a different state with OW.
I was evicted twice last time he left me and the kids. It was my problem. If he gets evicted, it is his problem. If he moves in with OW, that is his decision, and I should support it because it will stop him from being dependent on me.
There is also a huge fear he will beg to come home because he has no where to go, but that is not what he will say. He will lie and say he wants to come home because he misses me... For now, since this is not a problem, I need to ignore this fear because I do not have a solution.
* H had the power to impact my feelings about myself I am not sure how to detach from this...
* I was always the chronic fixer I still have this role, but I am only using it with the kids. I cannot, will not fix his issues. I still feel resentment and controlled by the fact that I have to solely fix 100% of the kid's issues because he refuses to help. But I cannot force him into taking this role. I can only control the role I play with him.
To help me stop each time I plan on fixing his issues, I will look at how hard I worked to fix my own issues. I will remember all the late nights studying flashcards with a sick baby in my arms. I will remember asking my boss for food so my kids could eat some nights. I will remember the pile of school loans I have to fix. That will overwhelm any problem he thinks he wants me to help with.
* I feel obligation and loyalty to H that is too strong to let go Guilty as charged. No idea how to let this go yet.
* I have fantasies that H will change and make everything all better Sometimes... But my fantasies all involve a better M. None involve him returning as-is. I need to remember specific ways I need to see changes in him before I would even consider allowing him back into my life. But these fantasies can prevent me from taking actions to make my life better if I allowed them to control me. For example, I could include him in future plans in the hopes that... I cannot do this. I need to exclude him from all plans. He can go make plans with OW.
* H ignored all of my needs I can let go of this one. Because he is completely ignoring every need I have now, and that is just how it is.
* I allowed, and maybe encouraged H's bad behavior. I think I am getting the point through to H that I wont stand for any of it anymore. He has stopped asking me for money or help. So he might be standing on his own 2 feet and developing better habits and behavior. But it does not matter if he is or is not. As long as I do not allow it, it does not matter who else might allow it.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
