I am constantly amazed when I hear how much other husbands are involved in childcare. The more I read here the more I truly cannot believe that I was not the walk away spouse and it was my H.
Spiff, good luck with the employment situation. Can you get a freelance job until something more permanent becomes available? Can you sign up with a contractor/staffing firm, maybe they have some temporary work that fits your skill set? (or permanent)
I wish we didn't have to be anonymous on this board, I have an HR background and a lot of contacts. Although they aren't helping me much right now so maybe I am not as connected as I thought.
Good luck and keep DB'ing, its not over yet and there is hope in your situation. Although nothing you can do about SIL.
I am constantly amazed when I hear how much other husbands are involved in childcare. The more I read here the more I truly cannot believe that I was not the walk away spouse and it was my H.
Remember your source - Of course I'm going to find examples where I'm involved, and I bet if you asked my wife she'd highlight examples where I wasn't.
That's not to say that I'm not involved or that your H is, I'm just asking you to remember the info is filtered in both cases
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Pho - haha, as long as it's just a bit of frost I'm good. If it gets to a thick layer of snow I'll help. Something V reminded me - safety first.
Another thing I'm trying to do is help get the kids out the door only until a certain time. After that I go to work. I still make lunches and corral them into combing hair/putting on coats, but in the past I'd stay to physically put them in my wife's car. Not sure why I was doing that, but it made me late a couple times this week and I decided I'd stop and let my wife deal with it. If she needs to wake up earlier so she can get dressed/made up to see the OM at work, so be it.
Great idea. Treats WW as an responsible adult and encourages responsibilities.
If the slap doesn't get on then so be it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Odd - I'm having lunch with my W this afternoon. It's something I'd suggested awhile ago as an easy way to spend some child-free time together, but it seems odd that now is when she decides to institute it.
Holy mixed messages, batman!
Just kidding. Don't worry I'm not reading into it at all - just a nice chance to get out for lunch
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Is it wrong that I was half expecting a BD during the meal? Maybe confirmation of PA? Another OM?
Nope. I'd say that it was a logical possibility especially if this invite from her was out of the blue, and that trying to be prepared for it is something that makes sense in these situations. On the other hand, it was nice that she invited you!
Not much new to post, things are good at home, yet I know she still has contact with OM and texts that she tells him she loves him.
The topic of the OM came up this weekend (I can't really say exactly how because it might reveal too much), and when I asked if she still talked to him she said "not really." I know she's texting him at least once a day - she says goodnight to him before bed.
I will continue to stay the course, but need advice. I am seriously thinking about some way to shake things up because I can't see any progress as long as she's in contact with him.
Options:
1) Do nothing. Hope that eventually she will see the light. I don't like this - it seems to passive and door-matty.
2) Withdraw and detach. I'm concerned that if I pull back I will confirm her suspicions that any changes I've made are temporary and that we will never be able to communicate well (big reason for our problems).
3) I don't know where the OM lives right now, but I could set up a sting and try to catch her red-handed. The process for this seems very painful for me, and has a good chance of back-firing on me.
4) Tell her parents (this is the direction I'm leaning). My W is extremely close to her Mom and if criticism comes from her I know changes will be made. However, there is a possibility that MIL already knows about the whole thing. Probably not (she is VERY anti-affair), but still a possibility given how much they share together. My guess is my MIL knows there might be an EA forming, but doesn't know about the sexting, pics, or lies. If nothing else full disclosure to clear the air will explain why I refuse to let the OM in the house (could be an issue- in-laws are flying in for New Year's and always ask about the OM because he was a very good friend to our family).
5) Start developing a friend network for the two of us (start going to church, volunteering, meetup.com). This is actually part of my GAL, but one thing struck me in our "casual" conversation about the OM. When I validated that it must be hard to separate from the OM, she said "especially without any friends." We live across the country from our family and childhood friends and because of typical "kid-focus" don't know that many people out here even though we've lived here for 10 years.
Any thoughts? Advice? 2x4s? I have a few weeks to come up with a plan, but I want to shake things up after the holidays, when we have fewer time commitments and distractions.
Last edited by SciDad; 12/09/1502:26 PM.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
If I were a betting man, I would be willing to bet that there is much more to it than her "not really" answer. But then again, there may not be. Just remember the saying of believing nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see.
My thoughts on your options.
1) I agree, doing nothing is allowing it to continue. Is that what you want?
2) This is a distinct possibility. Keep in mind that DB'ing techniques are not set in stone - what works for one doesn't necessarily work for the other. Communication is key. Work on it.
3. How could you set up a sting? I am interested in this for a variety of reasons. Although, we both may not be ready for what we find.
4) I don't think telling her parents would be such a great idea. She would see that as enlisting them for your aid and possibly even resent you more than that. I don't think her parents would have that much, if any, sway in the long run. And it quite possibly would do more damage than good.
5) This is your best plan.
I have a few plans in the works myself, but as with conversations, they never seem to go as how intended. One foot in front of the other!
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
For me 1: kick her out of MBR for good. Lock on door if necessary.then 2 and 5
It is possible to detach without appearing rude or ignoring her. Emotional detachment means your emotions are not tied to her actions.
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
