My H was always "weak" and I was the strong one. No wonder our marriage toppled eventually. I couldn't carry all the weight and broke. Now I need to get strong again on my own and so does my H. Without both being strong the marriage will never be solid.
JulieH, you are getting some great advice from both tl2 and mutatio.
(Hugs)
We can both get stronger from this!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
It's easy to fall into the trap of assuming that since the LBS is standing for their M that they must have gotten some fulfillment or satisfaction from the M the WAS did not.
We all KNOW that isn't the case.
The only difference between the WAS and LBS is the LBS doesn't believe in divorce. They don't believe in compromising the outcome of a lasting marriage, they believe in compromising what they can accept in their life until a fulfilling marriage becomes possible.
I hear you question whether it makes sense to stand. Right now the answer is 'yes'. Not because you miss the relationship. Because you vowed to. Once a divorce is finalized and/or an A is discovered then that is your decision to make. But the minute your commitment to your M hinges on factors that mirror WAS's then you are basically validating his decision to leave because that's the same road he was on.
MWD acknowledged that saving a marriage isn't about fair. Right now you are doing all of the work, not because you enjoyed being M more, but because you have to.
All I can say is that WAH is doing the best he can. He clearly has a cross he is bearing. As a supportive wife let him bear it and see if he makes it through. While there is nothing that excuses walking out of a M in my mind that doesn't mean I can't feel compassion for the suffering of a WAS.
You've done a great job being open-minded to this so this wasn't meant to be 'educational', I was actually trying to validate that I understand how tough it is. Probably a bad job at validating, no wonder WW had to throw me out
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Zues, Your wife threw out a winning lotto ticket. I feel sorry for her.
Thank you for reminding me of my commitment to marriage, which is getting harder and harder. My husband mentally checked out a while ago, and physically left 6 months ago. I am surviving without him and will do even better once he has to contribute financially. I am realizing what a little role he played in our family to begin with as there is little difference with him gone. What does not help is that we did not have normal living arrangement past year so we don't have set routines or traditions to look back upon.
As you picked up upon, I am having a really hard time remembering any good times with husband. I see only the bad. What makes it especially easy to do this is that he walked away. I feel like I would need him to really be the one to make the effort now because I just don't want it bad enough at this point. I have been rejected and humiliated enough and I can no longer initiate. I am open if he is willing to actually put the effort in, but I have been patient enough. It is in his hands now. Eventually it will be too late. I feel like the worst part is over for me. All I can go is up. For me, distance and space does not make the heart grow fonder. It just makes him more and more of a ghost.
I always felt me and kids were last on his priority list. He had a lot on his plate and I believe has trouble handling things because of his sleep problems and possibly OCD. He felt he was under a lot of stress. His mother was always asking for help, his job, and us and his desire to fulfill his own hobbies and friendships. When he walked away he proved my suspicion because we were the Easiest for him to let go of. I am more troubled that I have to include kids in this. If he was just rejecting me it would be easier. I tell myself that this is what he observed and was told was ok by his mom his entire life but it is so hard for me to see how he neglects the kids. The worst thing my family and I endured was having to see my brother pull his only infant son off of life support. He would give everything to have what my husband had. My husband can't see it. To him sleeping late, proving himself in a job where he is underpaid, going out with friends was more important then putting energy into his family. For my husband to consistently neglect this gift is truly abhorrent in my eyes. I worry my sons will repeat this cycle because it is all they have seen as well.
I think in the long run, my husband will regret this. If what he says is true, he might allready. I don't know. He was probably enticed by divorced friends, feeling despair by our living situation and our inability to survive in a location that has become prohibitively expensive, frusturated by our inability to communicate and connect, and scared about some serious health issues. I get it. I can get over his anger and projection onto me because I believe I did this to him after kids were born. But it's hard for me to forgive the weakness and lack of commitment to family. It means he is capable of walking out when times get tough. What would happen down the lines if there was an even more serious crisis? An injury or illness or death or just aging? How can I ever depend on him? What's that saying, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"
I am very confused.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Mutatio, your right in that there is a part of me that wants to punish husband. I want him to experience the hurt that I have. It is hard for me to remain compassionate, He said that he was miserable and depressed. I imagine it is true because of the amount of liquor bottles we found in past and seeing his weight gain. I have to remember that he hurts too but I feel like he did not have to make this choice. I had frequently communicated with him a willingness to work through our problems and he never wanted to hear it.
Basically I am just keeping my thoughts to myself. I am letting him lead. I am remaining friendly and staying open right now. compassion would help but as time goes on I feel less and less. It's time to reread some relationship books I think.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
A triangle is very strong, and a ladder is essentially a triangle when it's opened and sitting on flat ground which provides the bottom plane.
A ladder with two weak or broken sides won't support much weight. A ladder with one weak or broken side won't support that weight either.
You have to be a strong individual first. The only marriages that can support their fair share of weight are those where both individuals are strong independently of each other.
You seem to have a lot of strength but like all of us we have broken parts as well. Work on that like mutatio said and you'll be ready for just about anything.
I love this analogy. It's funny, I never thought of myself as a strong person. When my boss found out I was going through this she remarked upon me being one of the strongest people she knew (I had suffered some losses and health issues earlier last year and remained professional and maintained all my Committments). I am getting through this without medications or relying on any vices. I continue to meet all committments. I am probably not going back to IC (had 2 sessions) as I don't necessarily need it or trust it and would rather spend time and money on something else. for the most part I am proud of my actual behavior as I was able to separate my thoughts from my actions and behave in a manner that enabled me to maintain some dignity and humor. I have and continue to recognize my own faults and contributions and have changed or make plans to change them. I am trying to understand and address and accept my flaws. I am trying to understand and simply accept the lack of control I have over all events in life.
Maybe I am wrong and things will change tomorrow but for now I feel strong. By filing for CS I took back my power and I feel better now.
I have these boards to thank for it.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Good for you. That's great. Strength is evidenced by making the best decision despite fear, anxiety, etc...and feeling strong is a result. I think you're proving that.
Julie, one of the people you should treat with compassion is yourself. Be kind to yourself. This is imperative for your well being. Treat yourself well, be well
It's easy to fall into the trap of assuming that since the LBS is standing for their M that they must have gotten some fulfillment or satisfaction from the M the WAS did not.
We all KNOW that isn't the case.
The only difference between the WAS and LBS is the LBS doesn't believe in divorce. They don't believe in compromising the outcome of a lasting marriage, they believe in compromising what they can accept in their life until a fulfilling marriage becomes possible.
I hear you question whether it makes sense to stand. Right now the answer is 'yes'. Not because you miss the relationship. Because you vowed to. Once a divorce is finalized and/or an A is discovered then that is your decision to make. But the minute your commitment to your M hinges on factors that mirror WAS's then you are basically validating his decision to leave because that's the same road he was on.
MWD acknowledged that saving a marriage isn't about fair. Right now you are doing all of the work, not because you enjoyed being M more, but because you have to.
All I can say is that WAH is doing the best he can. He clearly has a cross he is bearing. As a supportive wife let him bear it and see if he makes it through. While there is nothing that excuses walking out of a M in my mind that doesn't mean I can't feel compassion for the suffering of a WAS.
I wanted to quote this because I thought it was a brilliant post and it should be added to the reading list for new members.
Zues, yesterday I felt bad about H's pain - even when it expressed itself in some minor attempts to lash out at me and blame me. I didn't do anything to make it go away, but I told him I felt bad for him and us - that when he has hurt me, I couldn't seek comfort in him, like a spouse should be able to, and now I couldn't comfort him in his need.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
