[BrightFuture]

H is coming over in 30 min to pick up the forms I need him to sign and notarize. These are 401K and medical spending accounts beneficiary release forms - for him to give up his rights as a beneficiary and sign it off to my son. I asked him to sign the forms, but didn't specify what kind.

This could spark any kind of other conversation... Wish me luck...

[LoisB]

Good Luck!!!! :-)

[BrightFuture]

Thanks, Heather. As I suspected, my request brought the subject of D. He agreed to sign the forms, and then told me that at some point we need to discuss how to proceed with separation of assets and D. Separation of assets means me signing the condo to him. He mentioned though that he will have my son as a first beneficiary, which a good thing in all of this. We also talked about other aspects of this, which involves the trust (condo is currently in a trust in Mexican bank), then a piece of property that is also sitting there. The money that we borrowed to buy that property eventually was rolled into the mortgage that I’m paying for my house. He doesn’t want that property. I don’t either.

He also mentioned his 401K/IRA account and how there is not much left of it, because he put a significant amount of money for down payment for condo when we bought it. This was mentioned on purpose. I think he had discussed this with some people, and I have a feeling with the attorney too. This is just to let me know that he has an investment into the condo, and not only me paying mortgage for it for a few years while we were together. I think he thinks that I might want him to buy me out and not just sign off the condo to him. I might as well go for that, as I think there is no hope for a reconciliation.

He said that once the assets are sorted out, the D should be very easy. He said that it’s been a while with our separation and we need to finalize this. He said that we could stay the principals in the business, or we could divide that too.

I asked him about the old bed frame and dressers, if he wanted any of that, because I’m planning to buy a new bedroom furniture. He said that he didn’t need any of that. But, remembered that there are still two wooden chests (his and his late Mom’s) that he would like to pick up at some point and asked me not to discard them. I actually was going to ask about these too, but he mentioned them first.

So, it seems like he’s been thinking about all of that and probably discussing it with people (most likely that crazy woman friend.) It also looks like he is still dead set on D, same as 2-3 years ago. While we were talking, I was trying to look into his eyes. He is wearing glasses, so it was not that easy. But… I didn’t see the shark eyes, like some people describe of an MLCer. He looked absolutely normal.

I think at some point during the conversation I felt like my face was getting red. I think my blood pressure raised, it was like a hot flush. I tried to keep the composure, but it didn’t work. After a few minutes I was able to get some control. I hate that I showed this weakness. I thought I was ready for this…

We chatted about some other stuff, like the dog and how he almost got a dog and how he misses to have a dog. He asked a couple of questions about my dog and commented how lucky this dog is. After all the dog came over to H’s camper when he was working in Texas and this is how the dog was adopted. H actually credits himself for this dog good fortunes. I agreed, and said that this is indeed a great dog. Anyway, I’m not making much sense here…

My observations and feelings… H speaks like a normal person, makes sense in everything he says. He looked straight into my eyes. I’m not even sure he is in MLC anymore. So, my hope is goooone… I don’t even think he has any guilt or remorse about us. It felt like he thought that he did the best thing for both of us... He talked about stuff like it was just a business as usual… Don’t these people think that other people might actually have some feelings...? Or, am I such a good actor that he thinks that I’m perfectly fine with my life going astray because he thought it was best for everyone? I feel like a failure…

I’m having some wine while I’m typing this… Sorry, if some of it doesn’t make any sense… I will have good cry tonight… And then I will be ready for a D tomorrow… I was actually thinking that I’m ready to resolve this as well. It is sad, but I hope it will open new possibilities for me down the road.

[BrightFuture]

What I’m thinking now, how H is dead set on D. There is no known ow… He is much worse on a finance side and probably will be when we D… It must be me… I must have been such a bad wife and a person in general, that everything looks much better for him now… He just needs to get rid of me… Legally… There must be no feelings left… there are no regrets… How cruel is this..?

[BrightFuture]

He just doesn't give a sh!t... Wow, what a realization! What was I thinking all this time?..

[mleigh4]

I am so sorry. I don't know what to say but I can hear and feel the pain in your posts. This is a terrible process to go through, but you must believe and have faith that everything will be ok.

As far as your H, I have dealt with a similar coldness before. I find it hard to believe someone can be so numb and also be emotionally "ok" I am sure this is not the norm for him, otherwise you would not have been together so long. He may just not see any other way or solution right now?

I am sending you big hugs and prayers. I hope you hear from someone soon who can offer you some better advice.

[Sotto]

((((Bright)))) I am sorry to read your post above. It is hard when your spouse calmly moves towards D without wanting to work on the M.

It may be that he is in MLC and it may not. What I would say is that my H has projected 'sorted and happy' at times, but I think some of it is a mask. But, whatever the cause, please don't feel that you must have been a poor wife and person. Truly when you think about it, that's not the case. I'm sure like many of us, you will have been a good wife - not perfect by any means, but good nonetheless.

Perhaps this move forward will be beneficial to you and will give you some greater surety in financial terms and some more closure in emotional terms. I don't think it means there is no hope and it is up to you if you choose to continue standing as you separate assets and potentially D. I am glad that your H seems to be doing his best to be decent and discuss things.

For now, let yourself grieve this new development, and then you will be able to keep moving through this my friend.

Take care xx

[job]

Bright,
I'm sorry to read about what transpired yesterday. Okay, now here's a 2X4 from me...stop thinking that you were a terrible wife. Stop blaming yourself. Don't even think of taking that blame on to yourself because your h is a broken man.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself financially. Grieve the old marriage and then pick yourself up and continue moving forward. No one knows what the future holds and this "divorce" may be what he needs to continue his quest to find the answers within himself.

Again, I am so sorry.

[rd500]

Hi Bright. Hope it's ok to post Please get those thoughts of not being good enough out of your mind. I'm sure blame is not all Hs but it certainly not all yours.


I get where your coming from because I feel like that too but which one of you is on a forum trying to save your M and grieving because it's failing ???

I'm sorry your in this position but hope is never gone until you decide it is

As for your H not caring , unless he's psychotic or some other disorder then he still cares in some way Maybe not how you would wish but he's moving on in his head so take how he is with a pinch of salt. Truthfully you have no idea how he's really feeling. I read a reconcillitation story on here about a guy who's W acted with complete indifference for almost two years. Once they were back together his W told him she had gone through hell and thought about him every day.

I'm not saying your H is like that but just giving an example

Do something for you today , something that will make you happy and even if it's only for a short time , enjoy it. Life will be good again

Take care. Rd

[BrightFuture]

mleigh4, Sotto, job, rd, thanks everyone so much for your support. Logically I know that it is not 100% my fault and that I was not a terrible wife. It just feels like that every time I see H being so indifferent and seemingly happy with his life “after me” (like he said.) In these moments it feels like it is not him who is broken, it is me, especially that I still cannot detach enough and move on with my life.
I needed to hear your kind words of support today. Thank you.

I woke up this morning with the knot in my stomach. It reminded me how it was for the good couple of years after the BD. I thought I was past that. The good thing is that I’m working from home today, as I’m a bit of a mess and keeping good face at work would be hard.

Job, thank you for your previous post too. You said: “It takes a lot of effort and energy for depressed people to socialize and yes, put on that happy mask to convince others that they are fine.” You are absolutely right. I know this from my own experience. Who knows what H is thinking most of the days, but he fools me every time he comes over with the happy face and having a normal conversation. I guess these visits affect me so much because I keep looking for any sign of remorse or grieve on his part and every time he doesn’t show any. I think it is similar to when my mutual friends tell me that I look so happy and content while I’m silently hurting inside.

I cannot believe that after 3 ½ years I’m still feeling these emotions, I’m still not over the grief, still hurting… This is where I lose any hope that it is going to get better, ever… I think my friends and family are right that I need to cut the cord, otherwise I will not be able to move on.

I need to get myself together, as I’m expecting H will be contacting me about these signed forms, and maybe coming over again.