Hello, before I start in with my story I would like to thank everyone at DB. I've found the DB board helpful and started reading DR last night.
My wife and I have been married for 7 yrs and lived together about 7 yrs before getting married. A few months ago a friend (close to wife) was killed in an accident. A week or so later we got into an argument and I basically shut down for a couple of days. I know we were both depressed but I thought things were getting back on track then a few weeks later she dropped a bomb on me. "I feel nothing for you, I love you as a friend but I don't have any romantic feelings for you, I feel like our relationship is purely functional."
Since then things have continually gotten worse. I was doing nearly everything wrong on Sandi's list until I stared counseling and found this board last week. I'm at the point where I feel like I'm holding my family together by a thread(5 yo and 7 yo). I'm doing nearly everything: getting kids ready in morning/putting them to bed, cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. My wife has buried herself in her work (just went back to work when kids went to school) comes home from work late and now goes out and stays out late on weekends. She is rarely at the dinner table or there for the kid's bedtime anymore. We are still living together and in the same bed but she has made a pillow barrier and sleeps as far away from me as possible. She said she wanted different rooms but we haven't done it. I'm living with a stranger. The kids are starting to sense things are off, it's awful. I know we have some problems like everyone (things I want to work on but she says it's too late now) but this just seems like too much. She told me she hasn't been happy nearly our entire marriage, then it was since marriage, and now she has taken it back to a few years before marriage. Needless to say she doesn't have an interest in counseling (told me she had bad experience before but then said she didn't say that). She went with me to my first session and said she had no interest in anything to do with me basically. I'm still going by myself.
I asked her if there was someone else and she told me she is not having a EA but there are some signs that are hard to overlook. I want to believe her bc she has some health issues. However, she has a new female friend (who lost her husband) and she is going to concerts with her and out on weekends. I hear a lot of MLC things (I'm going to start running, learn guitar, art, different music. Before I started implementing DR tools, during an argument I started talking about the effects of D. She told me I was "jumping way ahead" but then said she had no feelings for me and didn't want to work on our relationship. When I asked what she wanted then she said "IDK, I'm only thinking about myself right now."
So after my last session and reading here I quit doing things for her mid last week. No calls, text, make your own plate if your home, no coffee, no asking questions, no laundry, not much talk, etc.
This weekend she came home late Friday after being gone the night before for work, I said nothing. The next morning I said the kids and I were going to get a tree and asked if she would like to come. "Of course" as if I'm stupid. That night she went out w/ her friend (I slipped up and noted her ring was on). I got a late text that she was sick drunk and would be home in the morning. I slipped up again and sent a reply that it was bs. I read more here so early the next morning came and I didn't say anything. Later that morning she talked to me a little, tried to find me an old friends contact (she ran into a few months before but lost it), and did some laundry during the day but was stand offish when decorating the tree and that night. I noticed her ring was on all day. The next morning she made sure to try to press my buttons before I left for the week.
I thought I caught a slight glimpse of her old self but IDK. If I'm trying to implement the tools from DR and she does something like some laundry (some of which is mine) should I help or not? I always did before but now IDK if I should.
Since this seemed to be triggered by a death is there anything else I should be doing, reading, etc.?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Kyh, I'm sorry you are here; midlife crisis is a tough situation for both MLCer and LBS. With the help and knowledge from this forum, I'm standing.
My Grandma passed away during Spring 2012, I did not know my husband is stepping into the tunnel until he had bomb dropped on Sep. 2014, he doesn't know he is having midlife crisis but he did told me before he moved out that after my grandma's funeral, he felt something 'strange' started in his head...
He had money spent, drinking a lot (he never like alcohol) had both EA and physical affair with young women... blamed me for everything. Spewing on me, throw his wedding ring to me and moved out last Spring.
I studied from several site/blog, death of friend, relatives could be the trigger the crisis.
You read the thread that Cadet gives you and you learn boundary setting and detachment. Stay strong!! take good care of your kid and yourself. Give her to God.
