LBH w/ a WW trying to save my M (6)

[gs9]

Another question. I bought an "elf on a shelf" that I would like to start the tradition with D4. Do I invite WW to be part of it? She will be here through Christmas most likely.

As I sit here thinking about it..... my initial response is "no, I just do it. She wouldn't think of me" but do I want to lower myself to her level? Or am I just showing her I'm moving on with out her? Do I consider inviting her to be part of it because I'm too much of a nice guy? Would a "man only a fool would leave" invite her to be part or just do it without her?
The guy I was when she fell in love with me would have just did it but I considered myself an A-hole back then. I guess I have to be more of an A-hole. Confident but not rude. Strong but not controlling. Firm but not unloving.

[gs9]

Interesting evening.... We have had several odd interactions

Interaction 1
WW went to look at a townhome. When she returned I was watching TV in MBR. She asked if I could watch TV downstairs so she could iron clothes and watch something else. I agreed. She then looked in D4's room and said " why didn't you make D4's bed when you put the blankets back in there"
I said " I guess I didn't feel like it" as I went downstairs.
She said " I know you usually don't think about anyone else but you could think about D4 and make her bed."
I said nothing and continued to the den and turned on the tv. WW is OCD around the house. I know a Bed being made is her thing. D4 hasn't slept in her own room in at least 6 months so the bed being made was all about her but she was trying to use D4 to manipulate me. I'm happy I was immediately able to recognize this.
She then stood on the balcony over the den and said "You need to start helping with D4's laundry. All you ever do is flop around here and do your own laundry. And turn down that TV you're not deaf. And did you get my email about the bills. You're keeping the house so you can take responsibility for paying the utilities for the house."
I said nothing and did nothing....including turning down the TV.

About 20 minutes later she came down stairs and sat on the couch next to me. I paused the TV and she said " I'm sorry for the mean way I was talking to you and what I said, Will you please help with D4 and her laundry?"
I said "Thank you very much for that apology. It means a lot to me and I appreciate it."
She said "I'm trying. I really am trying to be better."
I said " I will help with D4's laundry and I'll make sure the utilities are paid."
We sat there for a minute or so and then she stood up. She said " Do you have anything else you need to say or would like to say?"
I said "No, I don't"
She said "ok" and went upstairs

Interaction 2
WW asked if her Realtor would be getting updates on all the available properties in WW price range and requested neighbors. I told WW that her Realtor should be. She sadly said there isn't anything available. I shook my head acknowledging what she was saying. She went back upstairs.

Interaction 3
WW came back downstairs, let the dog out and then stood looking at me. She said " Well goodnight"
I moved the remote to make room for her to sit down. She sat down put her head on my chest and began crying. I held her for 3-4 minutes and then said "Well we should go to bed" and I began getting up. I then went upstairs.

What the heck is going on? 11 days til our D. Is she second guessing the D? Maybe. Is she being nice because she won't be able to buy a place right away and doesn't want me to kick her out of the house? Probably. Does she think she's losing me to someone else? Most likely bc she is a very jealous and accusing person and I have not been giving her reassurance. I have not been pursuing her, asking questions, showing concern over her not being able to find a place and I stayed at a friends house overnight last Thursday.

Ultimately it doesn't matter. Typing all of this out is really helping me process it. It doesn't matter bc nothing significant has changed. She may be reaching out but it's not enough. Some of the interactions feel like she expects me to be pursuing her. Nothing has changed bc she still is not to the point where she will fight for our M and fight to win me back.

11 more days

[gs9]

and now she follows up with a text that says "I'm obviously having trouble finding a home right now. Inventory is very low. Can we make an agreement about where I can live and things once the D is final and the loans take over?"

I responded " Do you mean where you can rent a place?"

She said " I don't want to move twice hopefully. No I mean buy a place"

I responded " are you asking to stay in the house beyond the D and loan processing?"

I think she is asking to stay in the house beyond the D and the loans processing removing her from the title and loans. Once she finds a place to buy it will be a couple more months before she can close. I don't want her around

[gs9]

she just responded "what else should I do?"

I know It's not my job to save her and if she D's me I don't want her around. I'm just not sure how to respond.

[gs9]

I want to tell her " I've been telling you what you should do for last 6 months but you don't listen to me. You should stop sleeping with other men, you should stop choosing other men over me and our M. You should stop putting yourself before your family. You should take responsibility for all the things you've done wrong. You should ask me to work on our M with you."

UGH!! what do I do......right now....I'm doing nothing. I guess sometimes the best thing is to do nothing.

[trumpet]

gs9,

How about 'I'm sorry. There won't be any available space for you here when the D is final. I'm sure you'll be resourceful and find a place that is fantastic. Good luck!'.

You saying your uncomfortable with it would show weakness. I think you have to have that boundary. She pooped her pants, now she doesn't have anyone to put a clean diaper on her. Oh well, she'll learn the life lessons she needs to by finding her own place.

Does she have a mom/dad that she can borrow money from? Live with? Friends who could help her out?

[gs9]

Trumpet. That's funny. She has pooped herself and not sure what to do.

I'm definitely not OK with her staying after the D and she's off the title which would be just before Christmas. I guess I would tolerate it through Christmas for the kids plus the equity loan should close before new years. I know she needs her money to close but she's not staying past the equity loan closing. And as I think about it that's probably too long. She should be out when she no longer legally owns the house.

I'm still doing nothing so far. She is finding it's going to be harder out there than she expected. I know I can't help her. I think not answering at this time is best.

[trumpet]

I vomit words when I shouldn't, so your idea of not answering is probably the right response.

[gs9]

Yeah. I still haven't answered. I was out late GALing last night so I didn't go home. I'm sure her jealousy will kick in overdrive.

I'm guessing I'll be confronted with the question again tonight

[gs9]

Sunday she said she is having a hard time finding a place and yesterday she actually sent me a text asking if she can stay in the house after the divorce until she able to find a place to buy. That would be several months at a minimum. I haven't answered her yet. I'm thinking the reality of not having anywhere to go may be another stone pulling her down to rock bottom. If she divorces me I can't let her stay. She is making all the choices to leave the marriage and this is another consequence. I can't save her she's going to have to do it on her own. I just haven't figured out how to tell her yet.