Recent Hurricane

[NateG79]

Okay,so some background here.
My WW and I have been together for around 10 years. I met her right at the end of her high school days, she ran off from her hometown and moved to the big city of Dallas as soon as she could (which is where I lived). I was a touring musician at the time, so our relationship was very difficult at best. I stayed true to her, and she was infatuated with me. Eventually, when I left the music industry and decided to pursue and education again, we moved back to her hometown so we could get a new start together. At one point when we first moved, we had a lot of relationship problems. We both went into a deep depression, and started to not treat each other very well. We were living at her parents house.

One day, I came home to her telling me that she couldn't be with me anymore. So, I was kicked out of the house with nowhere to go, and barely knew anyone. I eventually did find a house to rent with some other college students, and began to live my life again. About 6 months had passed, and she started contacting me, saying that she missed me and that she wanted to see me again. We did start talking again, and eventually started seeing each other again. It was about this time I found out a huge secret she'd recently let go of. That she had been molested by her birth father as a teenager. She went into a downward spiral at that time. Drinking a lot, addicted to pain killers, very messy.

She went on an almost bipolar roller coaster, got some new sales job, got rid of her paid off car, and got some new sports car she could barely afford, and about the same time I realized that she had begun a relationship with a 50 year old man within her company. She was 24 at the time. Anyways, she turned into a different person, then proceeded to just pack up her stuff and move to a different city 1 1/2 hours away and started staying with this guy. Her whole family was extremely upset about it. She stayed there for about 2 1/2 months. Quit her job, lost the new car, and one day called and said she wanted to come home. She came home, and apologized for what she had done and hoped that I would take her back. We tried to do some piecing, she started to fall back into the drinking and drug habits again, and I told her I would not stay with her if she continued to do it. So, she quit cold turkey from the drugs, saw a counselor for a little while, but then quit.

She continued to get better, and eventually I felt confident that I was finally ready to get married, so I went out and bought a ring. I somewhat held on to some of the bitterness from her tryst with the older man, and it always sat there, I wish I would have dealt with that. We were engaged for a year, and then found out we were going to have a little one. My wife stopped working when she was 6 months pregnant, and I continued to work. WE had our daughter, and things were pretty good for awhile. My wife stayed home for the first year and took care of my daughter. Eventually, she decided to go back to work. Prior to going back to work, she began doing a lot of exercising and did lose a lot of the weight.

She got a job working as a case worker in a state office, and started making some friends here and there. Our relationship I guess you could describe had gotten into a bit of the parenting fog. We didn't do much with each other. I've not always been the most emotionally available of people, and our intimacy level wasn't as frequent as it should have been. She's very high maintenance in that department, and was one of the main things that she has said she got tired of asking for. I got resentful and withdrew because of the way she talked to me sometimes, and every once in awhile I would get frustrated and angry when something minor would happen. I withdrew into gaming some, and after awhile, her complaints and nagging begin to subside. I began feeling a little better again, and so I got my nose off the computer and began interacting more.

It was at this time I noticed things were different. She was spending lots of money on clothing, makeup, underwear. She began saying that she was going to have to work more overtime because she was way behind at work. Our intimacy level was at an almost standstill. We went out one Sat night, and had a few drinks, I tried to be flirty and playful with her, but she wasn't having it. I got angry, and we didn't say much on the car ride home. I slept on the couch that night. The next day she came down and said she was sorry for what she had acted and said that she needed to talk to me. That night is when I got the ILYBINILWY letter. Her feelings had changed. I immediately went out and began a 180. I started working out super hard, I read at least 5 books including the 5LL and Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. She was still wearing her rings, and still saying ILY.

Things seemed to be better, but then she started spending money again, and spent lots of time in the morning doing makeup, and in the evening doing her beauty regimen. I had seen some TMs from a coworker that I knew that weren't leading, but had some content that you shouldn't really discuss with someone not your husband. She began to say she would have to work late more frequently. Then, she went to the dentist and tried to convince me hat she needed to get a loan to get $7000 worth of wisdom teeth pulled, and getting oral cosmetic surgery. This was a big red flag for me. That night, I took her into the bedroom, and let her know that I wasn't comfortable with getting that much credit in my name because of how our relationship had been recently. She was completely fine with it, and that didn't sit well with me. So, I came out and asked her straight up if she had been or is having an affair and she said yes.

That night I just went ballistic, I told her she would have to leave. I was so angry. She slept on the couch. The next day, I went to a D Lawyer to see what my rights were, and what should happen. She knows I went, but I decided that D was not the answer. She told me that she had recently broken it off with OM, but she needed some space. So, she got an apartment on the other side of town, we split the phone accounts up, she got her own bank account, she had to go rent furniture and start up new utilities on her own. She doesn't make much money. She said she would have to be living apart from me in order to qualify for Legal Aid in case she needed a lawyer, but I don't know if this is necessarily true. So, here we are now, about 3 weeks separated. She had said that she had split it off with OM, but I found texts in her phone the night before Thanksgiving from someone labelled as "My Love" in her phone with texts fit for a newly nesting couple.

I have since found out the OM is someone that works at her office, is my age, has been married for 10 years, has a mortgage and 2 kids and is in a supervisory position. I withdrew quite a bit after I found this out. She told her mother that she really wasn't talking to him anymore, but I don't believe that. She wants this as a trial separation, and then to see how we work out, but if not, she would prefer an amicable uncontested divorce if that's what happens. I have had 2 wonderful coaching sessions with Jody, and I'm set for another one on Thursday, but she doesn't know the details I've found out about the Text messages since our last coaching. I asked her if she somehow thought this other person would magically divorce his wife and run to be with her and her reply was "I don't have those answers". When I've asked her how she thinks this will effect our D, she just says "Oh, kids are resilient, eventually she'll be fine." So........I know this was a long one, but, advice would be grateful. I don't feel there's a lot of hope here. The thought of breaking up my family fills me with fear and bitterness. My W has become someone I don't recognize anymore, and most of what she's done just feels like a pre-run for going divorce and splitting up our family.