in house S (5)

[vise82]

Hey GS9,

Yes I will remember that she owns her anger. Last time she was angry I asked why are you angry, it stopped her and she replied why and took a step back and calmed down. I think that is a good way to exit if she still is angry.

I have normally defended myself a little then just took it.

I have all these tool to use but in the time I stay and do the same old. I don't know why it doesn't come to me what to do at the time. Its a learning process.

I have also left the room before. The not letting anyone speak to me idea is good as well, because its the truth, I don't want anyone speaking to me like that.

[gs9]

Vise,
When you defend yourself you're feeding into her anger as I'm sure you've seen. It took me a little while to get it right. I spent significant time roleplaying in my head how I was going to respond the next time she got angry. That helped me prepare. The other thing I had to keep telling myself is that her anger is not rational, it's not my fault and it does not matter what I say her anger will escalate. There is no talking her down.

I would not suggest just leaving the room. When I use to just leave it would escalate my WW. She said I was walking away from the conversation and that is a "trigger" for her. I had to firmly state my boundary and then stick to it. The last couple times her anger was unacceptable I said "my part of this conversation is over" and then left the room. But first I had to tell her what my boundary is and then maintain it consistently.
I've found it's better for me, for the kids and also for her. She should not be allowed to speak to anyone this way.

Good luck! It's difficult with strong willed WW's

[isittoolate]

In Hold on to your NuTs:

One of the pillars is to : express your feelings, but don't defend them.

[vise82]

Hey,

Just had my interview for a promotion and they basically said now is not the time for me. That the interview was a courtesy to me. I guess it is what it is.

It has kept my mind of my sitch for a bit so it was good I applied.

Last night W came home late as she works late, I got hair cuts for the kids. We were watching a movie in the basement and W comes down to watch with us. Kids had to go to be W took one kid and I took the other to bed. Then with no kids around she stayed in her part of the house. I didn't want to watch TV by myself so I did other stuff but it feels weird to not be able to just sit with her.

This morning she is up before I am. Normal stuff, good byes to the kids and oldest was in the same room as W I hug and tell him I love him, then I just say to W Ok see you later, she says bye. Again it feels like I should give her a hug and say I love you to her. I feel like I am setting a bad example for my S6.

I know I cant do that right now but he doesn't know that. But I have touched that hot stove before and it just sends her so far away from me it hurts.

What we have right now seems to be working. Even though I want more W doesn't right now. I have to be strong and just hopefully it changes for her.

After my good bye to W she was agitated and dug into me for leaving something electronic in the car over night. I can only think the good bye situation triggered it. I think in a sitch like that in front of the kids I could get away with a hug. This is what goes through my mind now. But for obvious reasons I don't do it.

[vise82]

Hey,

W emailed me today. It seems to work not emailing her first. The dynamic has changed and but this is the same a it was before BD, she would email me and I would avoid messaging her. I was just irritated to get messages or calls from her so I would ignore them. Why was I irritated? because it was always a communication to me to do something. Didn't get many just because emails or calls. Like it was another thing to add to the to do list.

Now if she text or emails me I reply after work. She seems ok with that right now.

Its about kids gifts, and what her parents can get one of the kids for a big gift. SO I am with the kids a lot and hear them talk about what they want and I give them the ideas and they get to reap the rewards (the kids do too because they get a great gift). Is this normal to express love giving gift like this? I have read its a love language. Its a new concept for me and seems like it can make the kid materialistic?

Its like this one time I wanted to get my kid a used bike, his first bike, but his grandma had to get him the shiny new bike that cost 10 times more. and every time he is on it W says to kid, who got it for him. Is that normal? to remind your kid who gave him what gift as they use the gifts through out the year?
It just rubs me the wrong way to hear stuff like that.

This email also included a statement that we are going to eat together before my kids event that W takes him to.

That's good she is thinking of us like a family. I am trying to be so positive right now. Almost to a fault.

Now that she emails me how do you get her to change the topic away from just kids?

[vise82]

hey,

I just got another email from W, Its too good to be true, She is asking me about new years. This is out of the blue. If Me and her and the kids wanted to go to a waterpark and hotel.

Is this for real? she said she got an email for a special deal from the last place we stayed at. I am trying to stop my self from crying happy tears.

I need to be cool with this. I was wanting to just do something with the kids this new years... but this is better.

[isittoolate]

Sharing a bed?

[vise82]

Hey Isitoolate,

Looks like it was too good to be true. I get home and she tells me the deal was not what she thought it was, price was double.

I just said that it was too bad they advertised it like that.

As for the same beds question, we did this type of hotel/water park stay in the summer and how it worked was W slept in the large bed with the kids and I got the pull out.

For Christmas I am sleeping over with my W at her parents house. Now you got me thinking of how that is going to go with sleeping arrangements. I am expecting same room. but now I am not sure. I could end up in the basement. W hasn't said a word about it. It will be such a reality shock for everyone if we go to separate rooms. If this happens which I am prepared for now, and during Christmas I get the cold shoulder and treatment, I am going to have to change how I am DB. I am going to have to detach more. I am in a holding pattern right now. But way too attached. I see her and I melt. Its like I am falling in love with her again as I see how she is more family focused.

So last night W took S6 to his event, and I watched a movie with youngest. W asked me to do laundry when she was out, and I see she puts her clothes onto the pile, so I just grab the stuff under it and start a load.

She says something about not putting the kids clothes in to wash. Then she tells me she is going to work out. This is new now, but because its not on fixed dates she can just say she is going to work out and leaves. That left me with putting the kids to bed. And then I just stayed on the main floor to watch tv. This is where she normally watches. So she gets home she has the choice now to watch with me or go to the basement. She comes to the room and says if I am going to be watching TV up here I should be playing with the dog like she does. And she goes to the basement.

It was a little bit of a wake up call. Nothing has changed. Maybe she was temp checking with the new years invite. Now she has out of me what I was planning on doing. Now she knows that I was planning to have a party with the kids, and that gives her the option to go out and not worry about a baby sitter.

[vise82]

Hey,

Yesterday, I had to make an appointment for the doctors. I texted my W for her to pick up the kids from school. No reply for a while. She texts me back she cant, she is taking the day off work to go shopping with her mom. I couldn't believe it, I reach out to her and this is what I get. So I had to rush and get the kids and rush to the doctors. I had some symptoms that could be nothing or could be something bad, Doctor said not to worry at this point. It all worked out.

My Doctor is in the city I grew up in and I showed my kids around to some of my favorite spots and took some pictures.
On the way home we stopped to eat at a place on the side of the highway. W texts me she is near by. So I tell her where we were and invite her to meet us, She agrees.

She was happy and in a good mood, was happy to see me taking good care of the kids. It was a good visit.

We get home and kids go to bed, and I don't feel like going to the basement so I tell her I was going out. She asks where are you going? I just said to get rid of some stuff to the donation box

I left and was out longer then needed. I needed to shake things up a bit, I am glad I thought about going out. I come back and show her a couple things I picked up for the kids stockings.

In the morning W is up and she wants to talk about gifts and kids birthday ect. So Its an other sitch where I am looking at her in her eyes and listening. I have heard this tip on here. and I can see she is enjoying it, were laughing about something. I can't even concentrate because of my attraction to her but I see her laugh so I do. I feel that spark and chemistry again and she starts to put her hand on her neck and nervously on her shoulder. I mention that I will look into something else to do on New years with the kids seeing as how the deal fell through with the water park. She was ok with that.

I had to leave so I said good bye to the kids and her and left for work.

At work W texts me right away about our kid want presents now and she asks how my interview for the promotion went. There it is what I have been asking about, how to get her to ask something about me and not the kids. I think its very positive but there could be an angle, the more money I make the more she can get. So I wait till lunch to reply, and she replies back with three texts in a row, she was supportive about the interview and concerned with our kid want to open presents and that she will be going to the gym tonight and pick up a gift while she is out. I just said ok see you when I get back from taking the kids to their event. She replies that she might see me before that as she plans on eating at home first.

I read all this as positive. Do what works, time to get my best clothes on after I get home from work, to look my best.

One day at a time.

[Cristy]

Hello Vise82,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm glad you are recognizing and continuing with what works. Be cautious that it isn't too similar to the way things were before. Also be careful in regards to cake eating and temperature checking. Sounds like she has a lot of benefits and not too much downside from her point of view.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004