Wife checked out

[2ltl2lt]

The concert date was nice, we actually had a good time. I ended up taking her back to MIL house afterwards. I was kind of hoping she would want to come home and stay with me for the night, but she said she was tired and needed to get up early. The kids were there at MILs too. She was going to meet with one of her "new friends " the next morning and I was picking up the kids to go cut our Christmas tree. When I was on my way to get them she calls me to see if she could meet us at the tree farm. I said it was up to her that we would be there anyway. She met us there but stayed glued to her damn phone the entire time and really just aggravated the good time me and the kids were trying to have. She took off before we had even finished loading up the tree.

Me and the kids get home and a good friend of mine came over so we grilled hamburgers and hotdogs and build a bonfire. We were having a great time then she texts me that she was coming over. She got here about 9:30 after the kids were already in bed. Stupid me tells her that I miss her and want to try to work on things. She says she shouldn't have come and that she wants to move on getting D, and that she is a bad person. She wants to date people and see what is out there. She says I'm a good man and knows she won't find anything better but she just doesn't love me and doesn't think she ever will be able to again. She then went back to MILs.

I just want to understand what is happening to her. Why would she be willing to throw everything away while acknowledging that she feels like the bad guy. I'm willing to try and she has completely given up on our lives. Maybe she is just a horrible person, maybe she just wants to screw some other people and feels guilty about it, maybe I am just pressuring her too much..... Maybe I should let go

We had such a good thing going, great kids, great friends, nice house, I love her with everything I have. It's hard to accept that someone who I've known and loved for more than half of our lives can do this. She says she knows how illogical and irrational this is and that she wants to be independent and for me to move on as well. I can't understand how a loving mother could ever consider doing this to the kids at this age.

[2ltl2lt]

This morning W came to pick up D for a dance competition at 5:00 am. The competition was three hour drive away. They were gone all day until 7:00 pm. Me and S had a full day of activities and fun! When they got back W seemed a little more loving with hugs and talking about the day. I don't want a D. Then she says she is talking to other guys and she just might sleep with one of them. I can't understand what she thinks is going to happen. It almost seems like a form of self destruction. This isn't her at all! I guess I'm glad she is being honest about it.

[2ltl2lt]

Tonight W tells me that she hasn't been attracted to me for a few years and this is why she wants to see and potentially sleep with other guys. This is news to me, I knew that our intamacy had gone down but I figured it was from having the kids. When we would talk about it in the past she would say that it was her that it was something physically broken with her, like a medical thing. I just thought it was sort of normal considering our ages and time together. Or maybe I shouldn't believe a word she says and learn to STFU every once in a while.

Still need to work on detaching, it is the worst.

Went to IC this morning, her advice reminds me of Sandis advice. She is suggesting that I continue to create some tension and challenge between us. She heard W say that she may find it attractive if I were to be with another woman, while she won't directly tell me, it seems like she might think it wouldn't be a bad thing to try. She is also on board with me staying in the house and having W shuffle the kids back and forth every other week. To me, it feels like manipulation but it seems to be common advice, here and everything else I've read.

[TxHubby]

It sounds like a silly childish game, and it is, but the detachment and setting a mood of "I don't need you that bad, I'll be fine without you" really does snap them out of this stupid fog they're in. That's why the 180 has such a great track record. No more "I miss you's" or anything about your future relationship. That gives her the power, whether she's conscious of that or not, and she likes that position. Since she likes that position she isn't going to change her behavior. 180 my man. To the letter. It works. Make your conversations with her like a business transaction. No love, no hate, no emotion.

[2ltl2lt]

I think im having a breakdown right now. I got the kids to school and I lost control of myself crying and yelling. I came back home to calm down. I don't know if I can do this. I have to do this, I have to be strong enough for those innocent angels that I love so much and need me. God it hurts.

[sandi2]

It is going to be okay. You need to take a break. What works to calm your nerves? For me, it is going to quiet place and walking outdoors, just being alone with nature.

You are under a terrible strain and putting stress on yourself. Just for today, give yourself a break and relax.

[2ltl2lt]

Thanks Sandi,

I'm doing better now, just had a moment. She has been calling and texting me all day and I haven't responded. She knows I snapped earlier and left work to check on me. I wasn't at the house so she called my brother who I work with to see if he knew where I was. He told her I was at work and she texted me that she does care about me. I'm going to arrange care for the kids for a few days and take a road trip. I gotta get away from this for a while. Not going anywhere in particular for no particular amount of time.

[SM34]

You are doing well so far! Keep it up.

I see some similarities between my wife and yours. We also have been together since she was in high school, and she developed the same feeling your wife did. Not being sure that this marriage is what's right. In their heart they feel it's good but in their minds they have a voice that keeps whispering "what if there's something better out there".

Stick with the program. You are getting great advice. You are being an awesome dad and that is something to be proud of. Kids come first and it's obvious to them which parent has their head screwed on correctly.

Do t ask her to stay over. You brought on that last divorce talk yourself by being pressuring and pushing for her to stay over. Natural reaction for the WAW is to push away and want even more distance.

Pull back. Pull way back. Create space between you. Let her miss you and her family and her family life. It's early in your sitch so slow it down.

You said it yourself when you posted about your house that was never decorated. She's indecisive. She doesn't know what she wants but every time you pressure her she momentarily feels she knows exactly what she wants and that's to cut and run. Don't give her reason to run.

Keep posting. How was your day? Tell us about your emotions.

[2ltl2lt]

Thanks SM

My day turned out ok considering. I do believe your advice, I'm just having a hard time practicing it right now. I mean, for Gods sake we have known each other since we were kids and now she is treating me like an annoying coworker or something. We were always able to share everything with each other and now I'm here being mr mom and can't even talk to my best friend.

I will say, even though I didn't get to work until after 10:00 this morning, I did the work of five strong men today. Don't know if it was refocused energy or what. I'm going to take off for a while and camp out in the desert to get my head straight. She will need to take care of things while I heal a bit. I hate to take a break from the daily routine with the kids but after this mornings breakdown I feel like I need to immerse myself in natures solitude to center my emotions.

She has me tightly in her claws right now and I need a break.

Hopefully I will move ever so slightly toward detachment by removing myself from the equation. I still find it difficult to STFU when we communicate, so l will be where there is no cell phones and no distractions so I can really swim around with my thoughts and my soul.

[SM34]

Could she already be involved with someone? I'm a little behind on your sitch although I did read it yesterday. I don't remember if you said she is or isn't.

My hunch says she is. Women don't disrupt the balance until there is at least a prospect but usually a full blown man friend.