Never good enough

[kyrie]

So I have a question for the veterans & experts... here's a scenario that shows the dysfunction of our marriage that I just cannot navigate:
My husband is very picky (VERY) and somewhat OCD. I try to meet his needs for order & cleanliness but it is an impossible task. He says he's clear about what he's looking for - and how I can show that I care. I do ALL of those things. I also validate his feelings: "I know things aren't as you'd like them, or as clean as you'd like them, etc, etc" "How can I make it better for you", etc, etc. He always just replies that I just don't listen & just don't do it right. I just don't care.
Nothing I do is ever good enough!
What can I do???

(there's a lot more to this, I have a lot of history on here RE: his affair, etc.) Of course *complicated*!

[tl2]

I suggest talking to a counselor/therapist.

If what you do is never good enough, that's a red flag, OCD or not.

(but I'm neither an expert nor veteran)

[vise82]

Hey Kyrie

My first response would be if he doesn't like how you do things maybe its best if he does it. You get to choose how you do the task if you are doing it.

But really sounds like there is other issues going on here.

I am no expert or vet either.

[Rain75]

Complete newbie here but vise82 and tl2s advice seems spot on. Sorry. I know what it feels like to never be or do good enough. I hope someone else can stear you on the right course.

Best of luck

[tl2]

The thing that concerns me is that when one spouse sets standards that the other can't ever live up to, or has expectations that can never be met, that is often considered to be a form of covert abuse. Even if it's not intentional on the other spouse's part to do that, it can be very unhealthy for the spouse trying to meet those expectations and only being criticized in return.

[kyrie]

It is completely unhealthy.
He's a counselor himself so he's very good at detecting "tricks" of that trade and turning it all around. It is impossible.
If I suggest that he should do it, it gets turned into "you don't care, you don't listen, you're just not trying", etc.

[tl2]

If I suggest that he should do it, it gets turned into "you don't care, you don't listen, you're just not trying", etc.

Does that even require a response by you?

Have you talked to another C who might advise you how best to handle for yourself? Because you will never win the argument with him as long as he's wanting to argue.

[sandi2]

Considering I am a former WW, I doubt my response, to a man such as your H, would be appropriate. I would say only two words.

He could like the way I did it, or he could do it himself.

Look, he "picked" you when he M you, right? Stop being his slave and do things the way you want them done. I understand wanting to please your H, but there is a limit to things. He isn't your drill instructor coming in to do a military inspection. He's your mate.

I think the more you try to do everything perfectly, the further your self esteem will sink. As you said, you can't do anything that measures up to his extreme standards. So, just be yourself and he will either adjust or he'll do it himself.

Apologizing or agreeing that his expectations were not met, is not the healthiest way of validating, IMHO. You would always be apologizing. He has to learn to respect you as his wife, not his employee.

Life is too short to live this way.

[kyrie]

yeah. I hear ya'... things are so toxic. I just feel lost.

[melweb]

My H was similar in the beginning years of our M. I mostly tried to keep up and keep the peace. Eventually, I did get to a point where, like sandi, I just said "like it, or lump it".
One year he bitched cuz I did not get a Butterball turkey for Tgiving. I told "well, next year when you make Tgiving dinner, you can buy whatever kind of turkey you want"

Eventually though he was diagnosed with anxiety disorder, and since he has been on meds, he has been much better.