Confession: I'm truly sad and hurt by this, and remain so. It no longer affects my decisions or my general attitude though. She was always so special to me (only person I ever bought an engagement ring for, only person I ever wanted to spend my entire life with), but her behavior soured that. Unfortunately, she never wanted to be special to me again. I do know there is a path there had she decided to take it with me. I am fully accepting the consequences of her decision and what it means for me and the kids.
At this point the sadness and hurt is simply that; it's not despair or overwhelming grief (I was there as recently as three months ago), and it's in proportion I think to the overwhelming appreciation and contentment with all I have to be thankful for in life.
Things could be so much worse...for me, for the kids. And I recognize that while, like many of us, I have tended to be obsessively focused on these things I can't control and that I didn't want, so many in this world have much more dire situations than I do.
My STBX is coming over tomorrow to get all of her stuff ready for moving day, which is Friday. I'm not enthused but she will not see me sweat. I do love her, but as I saw somewhere in a sig on this site, at this point that love at best is simply a "commitment to my commitment", and the commitment is gone on my side. Clearly has been gone on her side for years. NMMNG for me. I no longer enjoy an emotional connection with her. I am moving forward without her, one day at a time.
The thing is...the rest of my life is pretty darn good. No real complaints. So my continued GAL is to continue reconnecting with old friends; continue seeing myself as I am and not through her eyes...and continue being confident and assertive in my personal life as I am at work; continue hitting the gym hard; continue staying in touch with, and supporting and helping, parents and family as much as possible; and some new goals:
- going to attend one meeting of a divorce support group just because it's out of my comfort zone. I tend to be more internal about things but recognize I probably need to open up a bit more.
- get back to achieving results at a better velocity at work (last 3 months have been more 'maintenance mode' than 'pushing the envelope and driving positive change'
- started doing some competitive shooting last year, getting into that more regularly
- give each of my kids the opportunity to accompany me on a business trip out of state in 2016
- get my house refinanced or sold, depending on which makes the most financial sense
- get both kids together with me for some kind of activity at least once every 2 months
- double the amount of time I spend with each kid individually and be more actively available as a resource as they continue their transitions into adulthood
- donate more time at church and/or community
This is a tough road at times. But I've learned that it's navigable and leads to good things if I keep moving and make good choices.
You have an amazing outlook. I hope to be as strong as you. I am wondering if you ever told your boys about your wife's EAPA? I'm struggling with that myself. Keeping his secret is so hard and painful, especially when they kids say "give him a second chance." I don't want to hurt them or ruin their relationship with their father.
Thank you but it wasn't a quick or easy path for me getting here. I was far too invested in her to the degree it was almost (or maybe was) codependent or borderline coD. Had to sort through that. But I did it so it can definitely be done!
My W has had multiple EAs/PAs. I know about 3 over the last 10 years. I have not deliberately told the boys and don't ever intend to unless some situation I can't possibly foresee makes that necessary. The first one was particularly bad: Went on for several years, OM divorced his W for my W, ended up getting herpes from the OM, and possibly passed it on to our son who began getting cold sores just a couple months after all this came out.
My anger was high. We had many loud arguments over it in our bedroom but the boys were in the house. I tried to keep the details down but they may have heard something. They definitely heard us fighting for a while. It was bad and I regret having handled it that way. But it's what I did.
Thanks for sharing that. It's amazing to me how those of us here have been trying to protect our families and putting our kids first while the WASes only think of themselves. Must be a difference in DNA
