Confession: I'm truly sad and hurt by this, and remain so. It no longer affects my decisions or my general attitude though. She was always so special to me (only person I ever bought an engagement ring for, only person I ever wanted to spend my entire life with), but her behavior soured that. Unfortunately, she never wanted to be special to me again. I do know there is a path there had she decided to take it with me. I am fully accepting the consequences of her decision and what it means for me and the kids.
At this point the sadness and hurt is simply that; it's not despair or overwhelming grief (I was there as recently as three months ago), and it's in proportion I think to the overwhelming appreciation and contentment with all I have to be thankful for in life.
Things could be so much worse...for me, for the kids. And I recognize that while, like many of us, I have tended to be obsessively focused on these things I can't control and that I didn't want, so many in this world have much more dire situations than I do.
My STBX is coming over tomorrow to get all of her stuff ready for moving day, which is Friday. I'm not enthused but she will not see me sweat. I do love her, but as I saw somewhere in a sig on this site, at this point that love at best is simply a "commitment to my commitment", and the commitment is gone on my side. Clearly has been gone on her side for years. NMMNG for me. I no longer enjoy an emotional connection with her. I am moving forward without her, one day at a time.
The thing is...the rest of my life is pretty darn good. No real complaints. So my continued GAL is to continue reconnecting with old friends; continue seeing myself as I am and not through her eyes...and continue being confident and assertive in my personal life as I am at work; continue hitting the gym hard; continue staying in touch with, and supporting and helping, parents and family as much as possible; and some new goals:
- going to attend one meeting of a divorce support group just because it's out of my comfort zone. I tend to be more internal about things but recognize I probably need to open up a bit more.
- get back to achieving results at a better velocity at work (last 3 months have been more 'maintenance mode' than 'pushing the envelope and driving positive change'
- started doing some competitive shooting last year, getting into that more regularly
- give each of my kids the opportunity to accompany me on a business trip out of state in 2016
- get my house refinanced or sold, depending on which makes the most financial sense
- get both kids together with me for some kind of activity at least once every 2 months
- double the amount of time I spend with each kid individually and be more actively available as a resource as they continue their transitions into adulthood
- donate more time at church and/or community
This is a tough road at times. But I've learned that it's navigable and leads to good things if I keep moving and make good choices.
